Tuesday, June 24, 2008

WSOP Day 25: Save the Eskimo, Save the World

By Pauly
Las Vegas, NV

Attention Hippies,

The Eskimo needs your help. Put down the bong. Stop campaigning for Obama (Dick Cheney already rigged the November election, the Beijing Olympics, and the next two American Idols) and get your patchouli-smelling ass down the Rio Casino in Las Vegas because the Eskimo needs your help.

The Eskimo in his natural habit before global warming and pre-poker boom

The Eskimo is another casualty of global warming and will slowly melt away with the ice caps. A violent death by drowning awaits, like Al Gore's adorable polar bears.

Every time someone buys an SUV, another bit of Eskimo dies. Eskimo is doomed unless you and your fellow hippies come to his rescue. Hurry up and act now before Phish gets back together and you drop everything you do to follow them around the country hoping to hear Fluffhead for the first time since 9/29/00.

The Eskimo needs your help. Global warming is on the rise and several of your favorite animals are on the verge of extinction including seals, whales, musk oxen, walruses, over a dozen species of migratory birds, polar bears, and the Eskimo.

There used to be a time when the Eskimo's sole enemy were the sharks that infest the Arctic waters and the card rooms of Las Vegas. Now time and an increasing warmer climate are the Eskimo's biggest fears. Climatologists in Norway believe that the Eskimo will be extinct by the 2009 WSOP unless reversals of fortune are made immediately.

The Norwegian Eskimo Institute has been tracking and tagging Eskimo for several years observing them in his natural habit. From the data collected by Dr. Sigbjorn Amdal and his scientists has been widely publicized and the future is grim. For three years, they sought out the answers to two questions... What does the Eskimo do? And where does he go?

"The Eskimo's once fertile feeding grounds have vanished due to an increase in melting arctic ice and the influx of teenaged Scandinavian online poker players feasting on the schools of fish that used to feed the Eskimo's voracious appetite,"explained Dr. Amdal during a keynote speech at the Kyoto Climate Summit in 2007.

"Large masses of ice are breaking up as glaciers melt earlier and earlier every year. Rapid changes to the environment are causing a ecological nightmare which caused the Eskimo to relocate to the Nevada desert where chances of survival are less then 2%. The Eskimo will soon perish."

Act now to save the Eskimo. Help end the war on global warming. Eskimo's blood will be on your hands unless you make immediate steps towards a more eco-friendly lifestyle.

Every time you wipe your ass with recycled single ply toilet paper, Eskimo gets another buy in to a satellite.

Every time you install an energy saving light bulb in your home, Eskimo gets another buy in to the 2/5 PLO game in the Amazon Room.

Every time you buy a Prius hybrid, Eskimo gets another buy in to a donkament.

Every time you choose not to fly on commercial airlines, Eskimo gets another buy in to the Main Event.

Only you can prevent Eskimo from drowning. Don't waste water. Reducing your flushing habits. Remember... Yellow = be mellow. Brown = go down.

The fate the of the Eskimo is in your hands. Can you allow another endangered species on this planet become extinct by the evils of mankind and the corporations that control them?

This is my call to all the hippies in North America... to all my brothers and sisters in Vancouver, Boulder, Eugene, Olympia, Bellingham, San Francisco, Santa Cruz, Humbolt County, Austin, and Vermont. This is a time for change in America. This is our time to rise up and make an impact on a global scale.

President John F. Kennedy once said, "The energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavor will light our country and all who serve it; and the glow from that fire can truly light the world."

Save the Eskimo. Save the world.

Yours in the bong,

Original content written and provided by Pauly from Tao of Poker at www.taopoker.com. All rights reserved. RSS feeds are for non-commercial use only.

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