Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Three Poker Bloggers Walk into a Bar with the Hilton Sisters...
"In the U.S. you have to be a deviant or exist in extreme boredom...Make no mistake; all intellectuals are deviants in the U.S." - William S. Burroughs
The title this this entry could be the start of a really dirty joke. I'll let Ugarte finish that one. I'm always a little nervous in small towns. As a New Yorker, I'm freaked out by everyone's politeness. Usually if someone is nice to you in the big city, they either want money from you, or want to touch you in strange and uncomfortable ways. Polite is just their "in". With that being said, thoughts of vulnerability in small towns make me nervous, like a U.S. marine walking down a sketchy Fallujah street with his pants around his ankles.

Well, I arrived at chez Boy Genius in Grand Haven and we hung out for a while shooting the shit. After checking out the waterfront we headed back. While BG fielded phone calls, we played sample hands of seven card stud and hold'em. BG was getting monster hands. That worried him. We were playing for fun, but he might have used up his good cards quota for the day. Dinner rocked. I had been sparsely eating the prior two weeks while partying and what not. It felt good to get some real protein in me. The wine was smooth. And I encouraged BG to take an eager step towards writing more. He bounced around a few ideas about the direction of his blog, and the direction of his writing. The dude has vision, which I hope he can follow through on because he has some great ideas on where he wants to take his writing. More to come, I'm sure.

The game started a little late. It was a collection of some of BG's regulars, a couple of college guys that Lord Geznikor knows from their home game, and of course... Lord Geznikor and Gil themselves. Everyone seemed nice. It was an honor to meet Lord Geznikor. I'm a fan of his blog and I follow his weekly updates on playing professionally online. I always like to play against good players. That's how you improve yourself.

In all, 12 players with a $20 buy-in for T1115 chips. I'll let BG explain his theory on T1115 chips to begin with. BG had two tables going, and I was seated at the black table with Lord G and BG. I think our host rigged the draw to let the poker bloggers play with each other. It was a great idea.
The Players
Seat 1: BG
Seat 2: Lord Geznikor
Seat 3: Matt
Seat 4: Dr. Pauly
Seat 5: Gil
Seat 6: Mikey (Brother of BG)
I had not played cards in over ten days at that point. I was rusty and was determined to play tight and not force the action. After the concerts, my mind was very fuzzy for sure, I eliminated thousands of brain cells at the same pace Courtney Love churns out on a Thursday afternoon bender. It was BG's birthday and we did a little celebrating that afternoon as well. But I was there to have fun.

8:27pm EST... On the first hand, BG went heads up with Lord G and lost when he bet out on the flop and BG folded.

8:49pm EST... Gil won a few big hands and was the chip leader. I'm on the button with KQo. Everyone folded to me and I called. Gil (LB) called and Mikey (BB)checked. The flop: 10h-Jx-3h. The blinds checked to my open ended straight draw. I bet out and Gil called. The turn: Ax. I nailed the nut straight. Gil checked into me. With two hearts on the board I was worried about a river flush. No time to mess around. I went all-in. Gil took his time to think about it. I figured he was on a flush draw or he had A-little and was trying to figure out if I was trying to steal the pot. He sighed and pushed his chips in. Then, I knew it was a draw. He flipped over Jh-9h. And he had me covered in chips. I doubled up my T975 and had almost T2000. I was the chipleader.

The Lovely Ladies

8:54pm EST... I look down and see Nicky and Paris flashing me. I throw out a bet of T400. Mikey called in LP. The flop: A-4-A. D'oh! I checked and he bet T400. It was an odd bet. I figured he had an Ace that's why he was just betting small to get me to call. If he went all-in I would have guessed he was bluffing trying to steal the pot. I over-thought and forgot about a pearl of wisdom BG shared earlier in the night about his brother bluffing at a lot of pots. I had the chip lead and wanted to play tight. It was still the first hour, so I laid down the Hilton Sisters. Mikey took down the pot and showed me his K-Q. Bluffed by a local thespian! It wasn't the first time I let an actor (actress) bluff me out of a pot.

9:16pm EST... I have T1800+. BG knocked out Gil who tried to catch a straight draw and BG's kings held up. Al Can't Hang called (from Mrs. Hang's cellphone... ACH isn't a cell phone kinda guy) from a beach party at the Borgata in Atlantic City. He wanted to do dial-a-shot. We tried our best. He described his adventure with the words... "whorehouse"... which BG repeated twice while on the phone with ACH. Then we take our first smoke break. I was at the front of the pack overall in chips and feeling good.

9:36pm EST... BG heads up again with Lord G. Rags on the flop and BG pushed his stack all-in with the Hilton Sisters. Lord G had 9-10s and a straight draw. He river'd his straight, but it gave BG a flush. Lord G got knocked out.

9:50pm EST... I'm doing solid with T2080 after I flopped two pair with A4s.

10:32pm EST... Matt is shortstacked at the table and pushed out a decent sized bet preflop. I had AKo and went over the top putting him all-in. He called with KJs. We both flopped a King, but he caught a Jack on the turn and doubled up against me. It was a crucial hand (especially since Matt went on to win it all) because it chopped 2/3 of my stack and started a rush of cards for Matt. I was left with T695 and my first Western Michigan bad beat story.

11:01pm EST... The other table broke up and there was nine of us left. I found AKs and I raised all-in after Matt raised preflop. He quickly called with his Dudes. Man AKs vs KK is not what I wanted. I was out in a heartbeat. Lost two big hands to Matt. I'd like to think I helped him build his stacks with my chips.

Yeah, I busted out in 8th. I hit the Loser's Lounge and chatted with BG's lovely cousin, sipped Oberon Pale Ales, cured my munchies with BG's homemade bread, while everyone quickly dropped out faster than I expected. Suddenly, BG was heads up with Matt for the first place prize and vastly overstacked. He aggressively played his short stack but failed to do any damage. Second place is better than 8th!

Here's what BG wrote about the rest of the tournament:
From that point forward, the cards went ridiculously cold. I literally (not in the sixth grade girl usage of the word, in the "didn't land a hand worth playing" sense) folded my way into the money (top three). Problem was, MH was responsible for taking out the last six players. After Ms. Third Place Finisher bounced out, and I went heads-up, I had 3200 to his 10000. With blinds at 100/200, neither of us were hurting for needing to make immediate moves, so MH just sat there and waited for the right all-in preflop of mine to call. My 97s versus his ATo. He caught his Ten, and that was the ball game.

Still, second place without raking a legitimate pot over the last two hours isn't bad. It does ruin my perfect record playing heads-up in the home game though. I've finished third, but I've never finished second...
Yeah, he played pretty well but Matt was getting all the good cards and great flops. I'm glad he won, because he was really a nice guy.
The Top Four
1. Matt
2. BG
3. Sara
4. Mikey
Anyway, after a long night, I crashed and left early the next day. It was cool that I was able to meet another two other poker bloggers on my Phishy excursion (in addition to Daddy from Snailtrax in Indiana). In Las Vegas during the April Phish shows, I met up with Felicia and Glenn. That might be my new thing... traveling around the country, like a true rounder, playing cards with all my favorite poker bloggers. Early next year, I might try to set up a road trip where I can crash four or five home games or head to casinos with some of my fellow bloggers. Something to think about.
Phishy Thoughts from the Road
"Brain dead and made of money, no future at all..." - Phish

I'm going to miss Deer Creek

I posted a monster write up of my Phishy travels to my other blog, the Tao of Pauly. Here's a sample...

Following Phish is the closest thing to being a rock star that I will ever experience. Sure, I don't get up on stage every night, but I'm living the lifestyle, which is probably more fun without any of the responsibilities of holding iconic rock star status. Unlike Trey, I don't have a thousand barefoot children outside my house, dancing on my lawn.

Following Phish is like being a rock star. I'm on the road, in a different city every night, mostly places I never would choose to visit if you put a gun to my left testicle. I stay up very late, way past seeing the sun rise after partying hard while a steady flow of cheap booze and expensive drugs which they eagerly line themselves up for quick ingestion into my body. I'm always kickin it with some friends, but usually complete strangers, and it really doesn't matter, because they thought I was a golden God among pimps and hustlers, and that's a high I hope some of you get to feel once in your life. Alas, when I do wake up, with wicked cotton mouth and a groggy head, it's always in a different place; lying face down in a middle of a cornfield with a dozen mosquito bites on my hand, or passed out on a friend's couch with his dog licking my face, or curled up in generic bed in some generic hotel with a young girl fast asleep, her angelic face vaguely familiar and her hippie name a thousand miles away from any semblance of me trying to recall it when she eventually wakes up... More

Editor's Note: If you are not familiar with Phish, I posted a Glossary of Terms and Slang... for a little help if you get confused with the lingo.

I'll be posting a write up of the tournament at chez Boy Genius later today. Stay tuned! And yes, I will be making a return back to the tables on Party Poker within the next 24 hours to end my two week hiatus from playing online.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Week 6: Pauly-BG Challenge

Since I was on the road following Phish last week, it seemed natural that I try to stump Mr. Boy Genius himself with my wandering musical exploits. I asked:
Did I see Phish, The Grateful Dead, or NONE in the following cities...

1. Amsterdam, Holland
2. Reyjavik, Iceland
3. Toronto, Canada
4. Boise, ID
5. San Francisco, CA
6. Portland, OR
7. Buffalo, NY
8. Austin, TX
9. Minneapolis, MN
10. Charlotte, NC
11. Denver, CO
12. Jackson, WY
13. DC
14. Hampton, VA
15. Chapel Hill, NC

Make sure you pick 5 Phish cities, 5 Dead cities, and 5 NONE cities. If you get 4 correct, you will win.

BONUS: there is one city on the list I HAVE NOT VISITED, pick that and you get one bonus point

OK here's BG's answers (in italics) and my answers follow.

1. Amsterdam, Holland: I can't imagine Pauly NOT having been to Amsterdam. I'm going to guess that he saw THE DEAD in the Dam.

Pauly says: NONE. I almost saw Phish open for Santana in 1996, but missed the show by two days. Boy Genius = 0/1

2. Reyjavik, Iceland: I've read "The Blind Kangaroo" and I think that rules out Pauly NOT having been to Reyjavik. But did he see a concert there? I'm going to guess that he SAW PHISH play in Iceland.

Pauly says: NONE. I took a spur of the moment trip to Iceland with Senor in Jan. 2001. I never so saw many beautiful women before outside of NYC or LA. Wow. Good pick up on my novel, though. Boy Genius = 0/2

3. Toronto, Canada: I fully believe Pauly wouldn't open up his numerical selections with one of each (Dead/Phish/Neither), plus, Toronto seems like a likely Pauly destination for a show. Specifically, THE DEAD.

Pauly says: PHISH. Summer tour 1999, headed north of the border with Gil and Senor for a killer show. They played Led Zeppelin's cover of Misty Mountain Hop for the first time, and it was a smokin' show. Boy Genius = 0/3

4. Boise, ID: No one goes to Boise on purpose. I also don't think Pauly would have such an obvious choice on this list for the one place he HASN'T been. I am therefore going to guess Pauly SAW PHISH in this city.

Paulys says: PHISH. Pretty funny. I did a bunch of shows in the Pacific NW for fall tour 1999 with my then girlfriend, Heather. She locked her keys in her car after the show. Boise was the middle stop in between Portland and San Francisco. Boy Genius = 1/4

5. San Francisco, CA: Too easy? The Dead are from San Francisco, but as I'm looking at this geographically, a roadie in the Pacific Northwest seems like it might not have resulted in a San Fran stopover. I'll say Pauly's been there, but NO SHOW was seen in Frisco.

Pauly says: PHISH. I like your logic, but it backfired. The Grateful Dead is from San Fran, there home base, but alas, I have never seen the Dead on the West Coast! Boy Genius = 1/5

6. Portland, OR: Hippies are abundant in Portland. He absolutely SAW PHISH in Portland.

Pauly says: PHISH. I used to live in Seattle for almost two years, so it was natural I took a quick trip down to Portland for some Phishin'. Boy Genius = 2/6

7. Buffalo, NY: Chances are excellent Pauly's been to Buffalo, especially for a show. Let's say he saw THE DEAD up there.

Pauly says: The DEAD. Do you know the lyric, Truckin' up to Buffalo...? Well that was me!! Boy Genius = 3/7

8. Austin, TX: Pauly has neither been to Austin, nor has he seen a show. NO SHOW.

Pauly says: PHISH. Big whiff there. Austin is my favorite city in Texas. My Phishy ex, Heather, is from Texas, so I spent some time down there, especially following Phish. We even took her parents to a show (in Houston). Boy Genius = 3/8 (also missed the BNOUS question)

9. Minneapolis, MN: Ah, the crown jewel of the Twin Cities. This seems as out-of-the-way for Pauly as Boise and Jackson are, but maybe this is just an airport stop-over? NO SHOW in Minny.

Pauly says: NONE. I have not been to 4 states in America; Alaska, Hawaii, North Dakota, and Minnesota. I've been everywhere else. I skipped the lone Phish show in Minnesota on their fall tour in 1999. I almost went to Minny but backed out at the last minute. I shall visit Minnesota someday soon, to meet Chris Halverson! It's the only town I have never been to on the list. Boy Genius = 4/9 (and clinches the win!)

10. Charlotte, NC: Two North Carolina picks? Sheesh, this gets hard. I'm thinking he saw a band in one, and no band in the other. Since Chapel Hill is a college town, Pauly saw NO SHOW in the land of the NBA's Bobcats.

Pauly Says: The DEAD. I went to college in the South, and that's when I saw most of my 46 Dead shows. Boy Genius = 4/10

11. Denver, CO: Denver seems like a great place to catch THE DEAD at old Mile High Stadium, right?

Pauly says: NONE. I wish I caught shows at nearby Red Rocks, but didn't. Boy Genius = 4/11

12. Jackson, WY: This was the toughest one of the bunch. I've been to Jackson Hole, and list it as one of my favorites spots on the planet. Frankly, there ain't much up there. But, since I confidently typed answers to every other entry on the list, I'm left with one remaining choice: Pauly saw THE DEAD here. I grit my teeth and await your answer.

Pauly says: NONE. I almost saw Widespread Panic there in 1999. Cool town. I love Wyoming. Boy Genius = 4/12

13. DC: While I'm sure Pauly has visited the seat of our nation's government, I would bet that if you got technical about it, the concert venues Phish and the Dead would play in that area lie outside the city. In places like Hampton, VA. NO SHOW.

Pauly says: The DEAD. RFK stadium baby! Boy Genius = 4/13

14. Hampton, VA: Pauly SAW PHISH here, possibly at some sort of festival.

Pauly says: The DEAD. I used to live in the South... and VA is just a stone's throw away, sort of. It was a trick question. Phish played a series of shows for a live CD back in 1998 in Hampton called Hampton Comes Alive. Boy Genius = 4/14

15. Chapel Hill, NC: College town, and smart money says Pauly SAW PHISH on Tobacco Road.

Pauly says: The DEAD. At the Dean Dome too! Most of my Phish shows I saw in North Carolina were in Raleigh or Winston-Salem. Boy Genius = 4/15.

Well... congrats to Boy Genius. He just made the cut! Good work. I'm awaiting Week 7. We are all tied up.

Monday, June 28, 2004

Hilton Sisters Update

My favorite pair of Queens

Congrats to Bad Blood, who cracked AA with QQ very early into the contest. He wins a Pauly painting! You rule, Bad Blood.

Chris Halverson also cracked pocket aces with the Hilton Sisters this weekend and I'll find something cool to send him. Good job guys!!

I will be having another Hilton Sisters contest at the end of July. Stay tuned.

A quick hello! I'm not quite home yet, but I will be blogging a lot the next few days. In the meantime... visit Boy Genius to read a quick update about our meeting on his 30th birthday. I also got to meet the infamous Lord Geznikor and Gil. I played in a tourney with some locals, getting knocked out in 8th place, when my AKs ran into KK. A full report and write up upcoming.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

On the Road, On Hiatus, and Inside the Paris Hilton

I'm going back to Deer Creek, IN

I've been awaiting today for several months. I love being on the road. It's one of my passions. Tonight, marks the start of the first leg of Phish's summer tour. They kick off two shows in Brooklyn tonight. I'll be seeing six shows (out of eight) in total spanning NYC > Saratoga Springs, NY > Deer Creek, Indiana... and following the band on their tour. I'll also be spending some time in Toronto, Chicago, and Grand Haven, Michigan on my way back to NYC. The second leg of the summer tour is in early August.

Obviously, the Tao of Poker will be on a ten day hiatus. I'll be back to blogging on Monday, June 28th. I will have limited internet access and I'll be camping out for a few nights. And yes, the rumors are true. I will be crashing Boy Genius' home game and meeting the legend himself, as well as meeting fellow poker blogger Lord Geznikor. Expect a write up for sure.

What should you do in the meantime?

1. Read the Tao of Pauly for on the road updates and setlists.
2. Read the birthday issue of Truckin', my literary blogzine.
3. Log onto Party Poker and try to win the Hilton Sisters Bounty.

Hilton Sisters Are Ball Busters

Pair of Queens

Wait, Dr. Pauly, what's the Hilton Sisters Bounty?

Your mission: Holding QQ aka the Hilton Sisters, you must crack AA.

Simple. Right? Email me your hand history and post it to your blog. You must crack AA with the Hilton Sisters in any game except a $5 SNG. Multis, ring games, and other SNGs are fine. The contest is only open to bloggers during the following time period... Thursday, June 17th 8pm EST thru Sunday, June 27th at Midnight HDouble time... and it has to be on Party Poker. The Bounty starts tonight, so don't miss out.

The winner will get an authentic Pauly Painting.

One of my paintings

FYI... I'm not giving away this specific painting. It's just a sample. For a quick view of some of my other paintings, visit: Pauly Paintings. I think that the contest is simple in it's rules. But we shall see what happens. I wonder who will be the proud new owner of a Pauly painting? I'll throw in a bonus prize if you write: Dr. Pauly loves Paris in the chat.

Go Read Truckin'

Ok... now here's part of the front page to my blogzine:

Truckin' June 2004 (Vol. 3, Issue 4)

Welcome to the birthday issue of Truckin'. I started this idea two years ago and it's still here. This special issue features nine stories! Three from your fellow poker bloggers.

1. A Harmonica Subway Story by Tenzin McGrupp

A one-armed, harmonica-playing pan handler slowly walked into the subway car. I did a double take. I had never seen a one-armed harmonica player before... More

2. Tequila and Bad Weed by Richard Bulkeley

"Tequila - it makes you horny"... I grinned at the bartender when Lisa returned and he gave me another conspiratorial wink. We quickly sank our tequila and left... More

3. Anna and the King Queen Suited by BG

She grabbed the cards off the table for the third time, sweeping them up and clutching them to her chest in one quick motion, lest anyone get a glimpse of anything on the other side. She peeled the corners back and saw the cards again... More

4. She Smelled Like Fresh Flowers by Tenzin McGrupp

Ivan walked into the Tavern and saddled up to the bar. Charlie quickly slid over a double shot of Stoli and a glass of ice water. Ivan picked up the vodka with his right hand and downed it in an easy, swift motion... More

5. Stories from the Bar: Road Trippin' with the Band by Al Can't Hang

It took an incredibly long time to calm this fracas down. Four band members, a large crowd of bar patrons, and Al Can't Hang scuffling in the streets. I was alternating between peace maker, offensive lineman, and paramedic to intoxicated, hyped up, aggressive musicians... More

6. Partying Brazilian Style by Armando Huerta

Everyone on the beach is wearing white, a Brazilian custom meant to symbolize starting the new year with a clean slate. The sight of 1.5 million people wearing white and milling about on the sand is one that everyone should experience at least once in their lifetime... More

7. The Tract by Jessica E. Lapidus

I was drunk and insane when I stumbled into the stinking, damp, pissed-on subway. Four in the morning. Big mistake. Three teenagers across from me seemed to be enjoying their last free weekend before the start of school. They were laughing and grinning, white lollipop sticks protruding from their swollen lips... More.

8. Baki Baki: A Miami Story by Tenzin McGrupp

I was slipping and sliding physically and mentally the entire night. Never mess with a man on a mission, lost in the fuddled reality between sobriety and utter madness... More

9. I'm Taking Off My Pants! by Senor

The cop leaned over and whispered into my ear, "Mr. Senor, I will not ask you to remove your underwear in this public place. However for security reasons I must ask you to let me have a peek"... More

OK, kids. That's it for now. Good luck at the tables everyone. See y'all when I get back.

Boogie on,
Dr. Pauly

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Flopping Quads

Just another wild day on Party Poker. I've read about those stories about people flopping the nuts then letting the other players catch a decent hand and then they go in for the kill. It happened to me yesterday.
***** Hand History ***** Tue Jun 15 17:19:49 EDT 2004
Seat 9 is the button
Total number of players : 10
Seat 1: Dr. Pauly ( $24.75)
Seat 4: Random Guy ( $33.40)
Dr. Pauly posts big blind (0.50)

** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to Dr. Pauly [ 9c, 9d ]
Random Guy calls (0.50)

** Dealing Flop ** : [ 9s, 9h, 3c ]
Dr. Pauly checks.
Random Guy checks.

** Dealing Turn ** : [ Qs ]
Dr. Pauly bets (0.50)
Random Guy calls (0.50)

** Dealing River ** : [ 8c ]
Dr. Pauly bets (1)
Random Guy raises (32.40) to 32.40
Random Guy is all-In.
Dr. Pauly calls (22.75)
Dr. Pauly is all-In.

** Summary **
Board: [ 9s 9h 3c Qs 8c ]
Dr. Pauly balance $47.30, bet $24.75, collected $47.30, net +$22.55 [ 9c 9d ] [ four of a kind, nines -- Qs,9c,9d,9s,9h ]
Random Guy balance $8.65, bet $33.40, collected $8.65, lost -$24.75 [ Js Td ] [ a straight, eight to queen -- Qs,Js,Td,9s,8c ]
Nice, very nice.
Wednesday's Wacky Bet of the Week

I have a running weekly prop bet with Boy Genius. Here's what were doing this week as BG reported on his blog:
BG vs. Pauly, Round 5

We're all tied up going into round 5 of our weekly wager. This week, it's my turn to propose. We're going to play What Won't BG Eat?

Here's how the game works: I'm going to list 20 food items. Ten of which, I'll eat, ten of which, I wouldn't. If Pauly can put six items appropriately on the Won't Eat list He'll win.

The List:
1. A Big Mac
2. Escargot
3. Sushi, raw
4. Sushi, cooked
5. Cheddar cheese, cubed
6. Potato Salad
7. Shepherd's Pie
8. Oysters on the half shell
9. Deviled Eggs
10. Oatmeal
11. Duck
12. Beef Stroganoff
13. White Chili
14. Grilled Cheese Sandwiches
15. Spinach
16. Creamed Corn
17. Green Olives
18. Salt and Vinegar Potato Chips
19. Yogurt
20. Bologna

Good luck!
Wow. Here's Pauly's Picks (with BG's comments and answers in italics):
1. A Big Mac YES
NO! That Thousand Island Sauce is disgusting looking. Plus, American Cheese is nasty.

2. Escargot NO
YES! Oh, absolutely yes. Especially swimming in a garlic butter sauce...

3. Sushi, raw YES
YES! Sushi rocks.

4. Sushi, cooked YES
YES! Oonagi and the simple crab on rice stuff. I don't eat rolls, usually just the simple stuff.

5. Cheddar cheese, cubed NO
NO! I don't like yellow cheese unless it's melted.

6. Potato Salad NO
NO! Mayonnaise is the instrument of the devil.

7. Shepherd's Pie NO
YES! Beef+Mashed Potatoes = bliss.

8. Oysters on the half shell YES
YES! Generally can only eat two at one sitting, as the texture is bothersome

9. Deviled Eggs NO
NO! I can't think of anything more disgusting to watch someone else eat.

10. Oatmeal NO
YES! What the hell do you think I think is wrong with oatmeal?

11. Duck YES
YES! Greasy gamey bird is awesome.

12. Beef Stroganoff YES
NO! Sour cream is awful, and I just have to know it's in something to be grossed out.

13. White Chili NO
NO! Again, sour cream is a primary ingredient. "You won't taste it!" Wanna bet?

14. Grilled Cheese Sandwiches NO
NO! American Cheese singles made me puke as a tot, haven't gotten back on that horse.

15. Spinach YES
YES! Any way you want to serve it, count me in.

16. Creamed Corn NO
YES! Looks the same coming out, but is tasty stuff.

17. Green Olives YES
NO! Never did like olives, especially with pimentos. What the hell are pimentos?

18. Salt and Vinegar Potato Chips YES
YES! My potato chips of choice.

19. Yogurt NO
NO! Not out of the jar at least. I pretend it's not there for tzatziki sauce on gyros.

20. Bologna YES
NO! Jesus good god no! I won't eat cheap meat, and it just doesn't get any cheaper than bologna.
I got my 6 right and I won the week. Right now: Pauly 3, Boy Genius 2

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Monday at the Blue Parrot
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive...
and all the impersonators would be dead."
- Johnny Carson
Well, it had been a while since Signor Ferrari hosted a game. I was eager to get back into the action. I fared well, my previous two times and wanted to get a little quick cash and gas money before I hit the road on Saturday morning. Last night, some familiar mugs were missing. Rick Blaine and his wife moved to San Francisco (anyone in the Bay Area looking for players, drop Rick Blaine an email. I will vouch for the guy. He's a gentleman and a scholar. Plus, he's the dude from Rick's Cafe.) Ugarte was away on holiday and Coach was on his honeymoon. A couple of occasional players dropped in and we had a new face to the mix. Apshnxma, a fellow poker blogger from Riding the F Train, has picked up Rick's old seat and was fresh off a satellite win at the Borgata (he won a seat at the $1500 NL later this year.) And writer, Diane Roy, joined the big boys for a second time. During her first appearance at the Blue Parrot, she took the money and ran! And posted a good sized win.
The Cast
Seat 1: Asphnxma
Seat 2: Dan
Seat 3: Signor Ferrari
Seat 4: Sugata
Seat 5: Diane (arrived late)
Seat 6: Charlie
Seat 7: Dr. Pauly
8:23pm EST... The game got started late. It was tough getting players last night. I considered holding up a sign next to the odd lot of homeless people panhandling near the entrance to Penn Station. A catchy phrase was all that I needed to snag a few well-off commuters heading back to the burbs for the night.
Need Poker players
$100 buyin
During hold'em, Apshnxma hit four jacks. He had AJ and was head up with Ferrari (x?-10). The flop: 10-x-J. Then it got crazy, when two running Jacks popped up which gave Apshnxma his quads. Nice. During Anaconda, I caught the Wheel, but the pot was fairly small. But it was a win. Let me say that set the tone for me... Anaconda wise. It was the first of six Anaconda pots that I'd win. That's ridiculous. I think we played no more than 10 times. Normally, I'll win one or two big pots and lose a big pot in an average Monday night. The nights when I walk away a winner, are when I don't lose and big pots in Anaconda. $200 and $300 pots are not uncommon (it's a hi/lo game with the pot getting chopped to the two winners with the best high and the best low hand). Coach and I chopped a $350 pot once. That was nice.

9:01pm EST... -25. Playing $2-4 hold'em with five players, I raised in UTG with AA. Ferrari was the LB and reraised. I played back to cap the betting. The flop was no help: 2-8-J rainbow. Betting was capped (I can't recall if Ferrari check-raised on the flop or he bet out. But it was capped). Ferrari emphatically checked on the turn and at that point I knew he flopped a set. I put him on 8-8 especially when the check-raise on the turn came. No help on the river and he bet out. I just called and flipped over 2-2. Ouch. He cracked my aces. It was the first big hand I played all night and I was shot down. Despite my tight play, Ferrari wanted to see a flop. His set did some damage to my stack.

10:17pm EST... -50. Omaha 8b. I limp in on the button with Ks-10s-10-9. The flop: A-Q-x. I called. I caught my Broadway straight on the turn and took down a medium pot.

10:48pm EST... +30. Anaconda and I got a full house 10s over 7s passed to me. It's a toruble hand. I could lose a lot of money with a medicore full boat. The betting gets down on third street and it's me and Dan battling it out for the high share of the pot. Ferrari had the low locked up and was jamming the pot. I knew I had the nuts. Dan was showing a straight. He underestimated the values of hands in Anaconda or he felt that I was flat out bluffing. My reputation as a loose-maniac has spread slowly but surely. I was playing tight all night. I was going to laydown my boat if I saw anyone with a potential higher boat. I jammed the pot and Dan called me down to the river. I chopped a $250 with Ferrari.

11:27pm EST... +10. Diane arrived and right away we were heads up. I took down a nice sized pot with J-8 in the big blind when I flopped two pair. The big blind special, indeed... but I ordered mine with wheat toast. Didn't bring me the toast. Charlie had been getting a nice run of cards and he double up early. I don't recall too many hands he had, but he made it easy for me to fold marginal hands. He'd be raising in front of me, so the decision was easy.

11:48pm EST... +35. Two Anaconda hands. I got the Wheel again and caught Diane in a bluff when she represented a full boat K over 10s with two of each showing. I had nothing. Four to a flush showing (I had a flush, missed a straight flush by two cards.) She didn't have enough chips to chase me out with reraises. She wilted on four street and my flush took down another pot, chopping it with Apshnxma. I hate Anaconda. This is why. It's teases you with good hands and monster pots. Next time, I'll loose the equivalent of one of Al Can't Hang Sunday morning bartabs.

12:13 am EST... +60. Heads up with Ferrari in Anaconda. I had: K-J-K-J on fourth street. He had: 8-9-9-9. I slowed down the betting and got concerned. I had a full house. If he had one I would win. The risk was: Did he have quads? Anaconda is a game of strength. I've seen straight flushes get beat by Royals. Quads beating quads. I got lucky tat time. Ferrari had a full house and I won, but Ferrari saved himself some money by slowing me down. The arrangement of cards in Anaconda is vital in bluffing out your opponent. Great move by Ferrari. I tip-toed through the last round of betting, like a drunk, one-legged man, walking through a mine field.

12:50am EST... +90. Apshnxma took down a nice pot during a round of Follow the Queen. He fought back from almost losing his stack. He had to lay down some good hands. He consistently had the second best hand all night. He had to lay those down or risk losing big pots. Diane and Ferrari were heads up a few times. And I wish I took better notes. Maybe they have more specifics. She caught some good cards. And at one point, she declared actual fear of Signor Ferrari.

(To Ferrari) I'm afraid of you.

Ferrari Shrugs his shoulders.

How afraid? Like, you're afraid of spiders?
Or like, how your afraid of Al-qaeda?

Anaconda was game for the showdown of the night. Ferrari had: 2-3-3-3 showing. Again, he was betting out representing quads. Diane had 6-K-K-6 showing. She had a full house, and would win the pot if Ferrari didn't have quads. It got pretty ugly in the end with all the betting, and, sure enough, Ferrari had the quads. Diane had a feeling he had it, but called anyway. How many times does that happen? I do it a lot. The tough job is laying down hands when they are beat.

I counted up the chips and I was up $86. Not too shabby. No complaints. I was down a lot early after getting the rockets cracked by 2-2 and all those Anaconda pots helped. I got some gas money for the road and I went home a happy dude. Sugata and Dan are good player, they weren't getting good cards all night.
The Final Tally:
Charlie +170
Ferrari +98
Pauly +85
Asphnxma 0
Diane -49
Sugata -140
Dan -160
Next write up will be about the Michigan home game I expect to crash next weekend. More details to come.
Coming Soon...

I played poker at the Blue Parrot last night with our host Signor Ferrari. I'm in the process of sitting down to write it now. So, stay tuned.

In the meantime, go over to the Tao of Pauly and read up on my posts about the best trip I ever took... four years ago... when I followed Phish through Japan. I've been posting some pictures and random exceprts from my travel diary. Check it out.

Monday, June 14, 2004

Getting Ink
"Blogs are the new tattoos." - Me
I secretly love seeing my name on other people's blogs. Here's two recent instances. Boy Genius recapped a conversation we had. Check out his entry called: The New Tattoos:
I was talking with Pauly on Saturday, in very general terms about, to borrow a phrase, the viral phenomenon of blogs.

Pauly's line, one that I feel is apt, is that "blogs are the new tattoos." Everybody is going to have one, or already does.

Viral, actually, is a terrific adjective to describe blogs, as the Howard Dean campaign proved early on. For better or for worse, Dean's supporters utilized blogs to at once rally and corral the troops.
Yes. And of course, I'm getting ink in New Zealand. The Poker Penguin recently mused about our conversations regarding Shakespeare. Here's a bit:
Pauly (Tao of Poker) and I both fessed up in emails to having memorised bits of Shakespeare. Now, this is actually a surprisingly fun thing to do. Big Will had a hell of a grasp of the English language, and memorising it as a speech puts it in a whole new light from reading it or watching it as a performance. It's a far more active way of understanding the text.

Pauly admitted to knowing parts of Hamlet. Which fits, I mean, I can just see Pauly in a wacko state, going on a murderous spree of vengeance (or at least writing insulting things about them). But really, I can only speculate on him.

Me, I know Richard III's soliloquy (Now is the winter of our discontent...) and one of *the* speeches from Henry V (What's he that wishes so? My cousin westmoreland) yes, it's the band of brothers speech.

Henry V is how I'd like to see myself, or even be. A brave, noble leader who is a lover and a fighter. I'd settle for being able to convincingly imagine this was the case. Richard III, by contrast is how I fear / believe I actually am. A devious, ugly (in body and soul), selfish bastard.

Niether are entirely true. Which is the way with so many things in life.

So really, this entire monster ramble has no real point, and just shoves the poker content futher into the archives.
See poker bloggers just don't blog about poker!!

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Poker Hermit's Sketch

I was wandering through some on my blogger links and stopped by The Poker Hermit who is currently on a hiatus. But... he managed to post a "it's funny because it's true..." sketch of some of his fellow poker bloggers. I think they are fairly obvious who's who. Guess which one is me? Good job, Hermit! Alas... I 'm looking forward to reading more.

Created by The Poker Hermit(2004)

Click on the picture above for a better view. And yes, penguins don't have hands. I love the Grateful Dead bong in the background.
WPT: Hollyweird Homegame

The real celebrity poker is on tonight... the Travel Channel at 9pm EST and HDouble time. Check it out.

Flopping Quads?

I played in the $5 multi on Party Poker this morning with my brother. I was busted out in 783rd (out of 1120) when I went over the top of a loose-raiser with AKo and lost heads up to his AQ. Ouch. Anyway here's the only highlight:
Multi-Table(18990) Table #60 (Real Money)
Trny:4170165 Level:3
Blinds (15/30)
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to Dr. Pauly [ 9d 9h ]
RoundRPoundR calls [30].
Dr. Pauly raises [95].
studers calls [65].
RoundRPoundR calls [65].
** Dealing Flop ** [ 9c, 9s, Th ]
I checked on the flop (last to act), called a raise on the turn and bet 1/4 the pot on the river and was called. Too bad I was booted a few hands later.

Saturday, June 12, 2004

Wacky Saturday Party
"Leisure is the mother of philosophy." - Thomas Hobbes
Another day at the crowded tables on Party Poker. Congrats to Boy Genius who made the money in this morning's $5 Multi. Both our brothers played and were knocked out early. I played too and was booted out in 373th, in a tough tourney when I didn't get any hands. I was shocked that I lasted that long.

I had a mediocre afternoon at the tables. Played a little bit NL with Maudie and Al Can't Hang. I bluffed Al Can't Hang out of a pot (we both had Q-10) with a Q on the board and I was betting out fairly strong. I also hopped on a micro limit table to play with Young Poker. He told me about one particular guy at his table who was staying in with crapola. Never did get a crack at him. Realized that I haven't played much limit these days. But I definitely chased a few nut flush draws, since it was costing me next to nothing to see one more card.

Making the Money in a Multi SNG

After dinner, I decided to play in one of those multi-table SNGs, part of the new upgrade to their software. I played a three table $30 + 3 SNG. Top 5 places get paid ($270, 235, 180, 135, 90)... so it was worth me giving it a shot.

Level 1 - 5: Tight Pauly. It was a fold-a-thon. Reading the Wall Street Journal was more exciting than playing my hands. I folded 3-3 in LP and would have flopped a set and the winning hand. I was holding on with T770 and half the pack remained with an average stack of T1875.

Level 6: Chipped down to next to nothing, playing short handed, seven players at my table. A2s UTG and I went all-in. Doubled up against K9s. In the LB the clown n the button went all-in. He was the table mosquito, the annoying nimrod who went all-in almost every time. One guy from Wellington kept pleading with the other players at the table to call his obviously bluff-steals. I decided any ace or pair, I'm going to call the clown... and I did with A6s vs his K-10o. No contest and I doubled up amid the cheers from the other frustrated players at my table. Pocket Cowboys on the button in the next hand was enough for me to build my stack from T545 up to T2650.

Level 7: A9s and KK got me a few more chips and I went over T3200 for the first time, as I made the Final Table. I was 5th out of 9th. Time to tighten up, eh? I slid my way into the final 5 and made the money when one guy got wicked hot and caught cards like crazy and knocked out four guys. We still had one guy who was trying to steal the blinds too much. Again, I was waiting to get a hand and double up against him. He went all-in on the button and I called with A-10. His 44 was winning on the flop, but I hit an ace on the turn. He won when a fourth heart fell on the river (he had the 4h). River'd and knocked out in 4th. I collected $135 or a $102 profit. Not too shabby.

Nothing's better than making the money in one of your first SNGs. I played tight and let a lot of idiots knock themselves out early, waited to double up ad surfed into the money. I'll play one or two of these a week in the future. Not a bad format. The levels are 10 minutes instead of 15 minuntes. You get a break every hour.

Friday, June 11, 2004

"Life's not fair." - Jimmy Carter
It's reader mail time. I get asked this question a couple a times a week: How do you blog so damn much?

The answer is two-fold. I am an insomniac and I can't ever stop writing. Sleep deprivation is an odd thing. I come up with some of the greatest ideas at 4am in the morning (I figured out the endings to my last two novels at that time)... but I also come up with some the more moronic thoughts at the same hour (getting into a stupid bet with Haley involving a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, yes, that infamous bet which I'll write up as soon as possible, entitled... The Bet.) It's a coin flip, normally, the legitimacy of my late night thoughts. I am a walking coin-flip. I gets lots of weird phone calls at 4am.... from strange women with soft, sultry voices, from drunk friends who mumbled more words than I can comprehend, or some hippie friends of mine on the West Coast who still think it's 1999.

Back to writing... it's a nasty habit of mine and I need several blogs just to quench my never ending thirst to fill of the blogosphere with gibberish. Part of the reason I can post daily to multiple blogs is I am a marathon writer. I write a minimum of two hours every day as part of my daily regimen, in addition to working on other projects. And yet another fortunate reason is that I am able to blog very quickly (and all of you can attest to that, those of you who catch my many spelling, puncuation, grammatical errors) and I'm done with it. Some days I wish I could go back and rewrite my entries... but I never do, even when I cringe at some of my bitter or harsh or asinine words. I leave them up because what I wrote at that time... is how I felt. And I'm not into revisionist-bloggery over here. Not yet at least.

Where am I going with this? Absolutely nowhere. But you get the jist. I'm a word junkie. Writing has kept me alive, out of prison, away from the bars, and a safe distance away from high school girls.

Let's dip back into the mail bag. Do you watch poker on TV? You betcha. I watched a little of poker on TV the last few nights. That Celebrity Poker Letdown is such a blight upon this poker world. That host, Dave Foley, has about the same comedic enthusiasm as a warm glass of flat Diet Pepsi. Too bad because I used to think he was hilarious. You should let me host. You betcha I'll be hitting on Rosario Dawson. Hey, how yeeeeeeeeeew, doin? You know I'll drop plenty of Revenge of the Nerds references to Timothy Busfield. Too bad Booger didn't stop by with wonder joints to liven things up!

Also, a nice change would be that every week, I'll get a new guest blogger to be my side kick! And nothing against Phil Gordon, but every week, you should get a new professional player in there. I wanna see me kicking back with Doyle Brunson, eating slices of cheesecake and sipping Southern Comfort with Al Can't Hang... tooling on that moron, whose name I never got to know because he was bounced on the first hand by Norm McDonald. (Incidentally, yes, I have been knocked out of an SNG on the first hand before. It's not a fun feeling. It's like getting your balls massaged by an ice scraper.) I wanna see Phil Hellmuth whine at poor starting hands and listen to Iggy hurl Guinness-fueled insults at some of the very loose calls by the b-list celebrities. Could be a lot more fun.

Hey Hobbit Boy! Go all in!!

But there's a new added feature... Ask a blogger. When a celeb gets in a jam, they can ask a blogger for help. I can imagine HDouble jogging out and whispering into Chandler Bing's ear, "I think you should fold. And Pauly wants to know how come you didn't bang Rachel instead of Monica?"

Of course, I came up with this idea at 4am earlier this morning. So you decide. Have a great weekend. See ya at the tables on Party Poker.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Party Poker Software Update: Bad Beat Jackpot and Multi-table SNGs

I logged into Party Poker and found two new interesting twists: Multi table SNGS and Bad Beat Jackpots. They also are allowing late registration for tourneys. I'll try out the new multi SNGs and let you know what's up. I know that they have two and three table SNGs to play in.

Never Trust a Junkie

"Greed... is good." - Gordon Gekko, Wall Street
One of the reasons I wanted to be a stock broker was spurred on by the infamous scene in Oliver Stone's epic film Wall Street, when the Michael Douglas character Gordon Gekko addressed the crowd at a shareholder's meeting, where he uttered one of the most famous speeches in recent cinematic times. I was hooked.

Gordon Gekko, Wall Street Posted by Hello

Why did I end up on Wall Street at two different times of my life? Was it the money? Was it the power? Was it the respect? Was it the rush? Was it the challenge? For me... it was all those things. But there was also another added element. I felt as though I had no choice. My parents made several sacrifices to send my brother and myself to Catholic school (instead of trusting that we'd survive the NYC public school system). I got a scholarship to a prestigious Park Avenue prep school in Manhattan and four years later, I also got a scholarship to a well known Southern university, the one that the locals dubbed "the Harvard of the South". My educational background almost paved the path for me to return back to NYC and slug it out on Wall Street.

I was an easy target, one of the guys that the Gordon Gekko's of the world wanted to work for him... I was smart, hungry, broke... and had no feelings. I was young and impressionable. At 22, confused and lost and with bundles full of energy, I could have easily been recruited by the CIA to be a hitman or get sucked into an obscure religious cult in Texas... instead I was drafted by the suits on Wall Street. I found my niche very quickly and was the top rookie in my training class. When I started out on my own, I owned all of those feelings that I mentioned before. Powerful. Wealthy. Respected. Feared. Jacked up on the ups and downs that the market threw at me. I was an information junkie. The more I knew, the higher I got. The more stocks and bonds I sold, the higher I got. Everyday was like riding a rollercoaster without a safety bar, or jumping out of a perfectly good airplane without a parachute. The rush was tremendous. It wasn't about the money anymore. But the hours were hell. Eighty hour work weeks were killing me and I burnt out quickly.

Poker reminds me of my time in the trenches. I feel all those same emotions, the ones that get me out of bed everyday. But there are many different aspects of my life today, that allow myself the opportunity to stay fresh and focused. Before, my job took up almost 90% of my waking life. Today, poker is just one of the (yet vital) interests that I have in my life. It's not my full time job, so I can switch back and forth into my hobbies at will. I would still rather win a Pulitzer than win the WSoP. (If I won a major tourney, it's because I got lucky. If I won the Pulitzer or an Oscar... that meant I did something right.) I am lucky that when I'm not playing well, I jump into writing. The blog is a good start. I'm venting about poker. I don't let all the bad beats stir inside me and drive me insane. I bitch about them and let it go. Bloggers are an amazing support group. We share in each other's misery, gloom and doom. Afterwards, I thrust myself into whatever projects I have been working on, whether it's short stories or my blogzine or a new novel idea or a screenplay or letters to Penthouse Forum.... I have a place where I can escape to. And the Party Fish can't bust my pocket aces in my creative head space. And yes, in my dreams, I take down the first place prize in the WPT event du jour and I also get to go home with Shana Hiatt, where we'd sip exquisite wine, gingerly stroke one another while discussing Sartre or Keirkagaard, before she'd whisper in my ear that I have the biggest pocket rockets she's ever seen.

The poker boom. Blah blah blah. Will the poker boom last? Yes it will, because at heart, people, especially post-Baby Boom Americans, are greedy motherfuckers. It's been beaten into us, either by the cool kids and bullies at school, or from our media, or Hollyweird, or from our politicians. We've been brainwashed. Can you blame guys my age that want to ditch their jobs, wives, kids, and mortgage payments, and fork over $10,000 so they can fly out to Vegas to play cards for a week straight and bust Moneymaker, Brunson, and TJ Cloutier? The poker boom is the most forward thinking and the biggest acceleration of the American Dream that I had seen in my lifetime. For the first time in a very long time there is blind hope. People have something to strive for and get excited about. Any average person can walk into a casino in Las Vegas and become a tournament champion. Anyone. That little guy inside your head that insists that you can hit your open ended straight draw on the river... and you listen to him. Why? Poker is the one thing that we use to fill the gaps in the parts of our lives that we are seriously lacking. For some of you it's money. For others it's power. And for some it's respect, or a personal challenge, or to serve as a crutch for one's mental health problems. At any rate, poker fills the void that so many of us have had. Is it the answer to life's problems? Most likely, no. But it's a great distraction.

Will poker still be popular three years from now? Sure. Poker on TV is a hybrid of the game show craze and reality TV genre. It's real life drama with money on the line. The cast is almost always different and the cards are never the same. This lends itself to a new excitement every episode. After a while, a sitcom gets derivative in it's plot lines. Game shows getting boring. After 12 episodes, you get bored of your favorite reality TV stars. But poker... is what it is. Money sucks people in. That will never change.

Mark my words: Poker players are the new rock stars. And poker blogs are the new tattoos. As soon as all the kids on the corner have one and as soon as I find out my Mom has one... then I'm pulling the plug on the Tao of Poker and I'll start a new blog on a new hobby. The Tao of Shooting Marbles. I love reading about poker. But I can't keep up with the eighty new poker blogs that are popping up every day. My intern is swamped!! Back to the rock star bit... these days, there's no real rock and roll band that comes to town and creates mayhem like they used to back in the day (The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, The Sex Pistols, The Who...). The closest thing I have seen in a long time is the rambling insanity that the Courtney Love freak show and circus unravels wherever she goes. But these days, most rock stars are vomit inducing boy bands or these whiney-hipsters with perfectly messy hair (my brother's coined phrase), in nice clothes that their record label made them wear or they are these boring British, politically educated, mineral water drinking vegans, who sound more like one of Michael Moore's minions than a rock idol. Where's the modern day Keith Moon chucking flaming couches out of his hotel window? How about driving their cars into swimming pools after drinking four bottles of whiskey? Or assaulting groupies with frozen fish? Billy Joel drove into someone's house the other day, but he was just having a bad day. Given the chance, poker players can do as much damage as some of these rock stars. They have plenty of free time on their hands, and I'm sure if Al Can't Hang ever won the World Series of Poker, rest assured someone within earshot of his bender would be going to the hospital. I can trash a hotel room like the best of them. And most of you know, I can go on Hunter S. Thompson-esque benders that involves morbid, deviant, and ball busting moments. That's what I called 1998.... the longest bender in my life that lasted until early 2000.

I enjoy the competition. I welcome the challenge. The game feeds my creative interests. I dig the money. The respect is something I can say I enjoy more than I am willing to admit. The power thing never really got me off. But since I've a known sex addict, drug fiend and I once was a serious alcoholic (but then again what 19 year old frat boys aren't?)... poker definitely fills a "desire to get high and get off" in much more healthier terms than say a bottle of Jim Beam or a bag full of pills or a slew of inebriated, emotionally bankrupt women whose last names I'll never know.

I'm not bragging, but being honest. I've done my fair share of drugs over the last decade. I'm a drug, sex, and rock and roll kinda guy. That's why I'm a writer. Poker and writing suits my personality. And poker is the closest thing I have encountered that I can say matched the adrenaline rush that I got after digesting certain drugs. Man oh man. I've done the least amount of damage to my body in the past twelve months. Why? I've been playing poker... my new drug.

What a rush poker can be when you hit your flush draw on the river or your AA holds up to crush your opponent's under cards. You hit those highs and they last much longer. That orgasmic, finger tingling feeling is amazing. After a sensational session, I feel like I'm walking in air. I'm bulletproof. I have that spring in my step that I normally have after I've just gotten laid. Oh yeah. Confidence builds. I walk tall. Women smile at me, and I smile back. I have that freshly fucked glow... and everyone can tell... and it's all from taking down a monster pot or from coming from behind with a short stack to win a $20 SNG. I have the giddyness of a school girl when I double my buy in. There have been only three times when I almost got hit by taxi cabs in NYC because I wasn't "there"... once was in the mid-1990s, when I was so far polluted on chemicals that I thought I was hanging out with Margaret Thatcher (it was just one of my British friends wearing a blue hat) and wandered into a busy intersection. The second time was when I was so madly in love with a spit-fire of a gal from Texas, that I lost all sense of direction and a cab driven by a Eastern European dude with a last name containing fourteen letters and no vowels nearly clipped me in the East Village. The last instance, I almost got hit last month, was when replaying the winning hand in a multi-way pot when my pocket 99s cracked AA and KK, and I flopped a set.

Poker, sex, drugs... the only things in life that make me dizzy (besides writing). Add Katie Holmes to that mix and I think you got a decent four of a kind. Maybe Katie will start reading my poker blog too.
All Tied Up

What a long strange trip it's been... Posted by Hello

Boy Genius and I are all tied up.... 2-2 with our prop bets. Yes, he gave me the win for Week 3 and I finally have the results for Week 4's bet.

The over/under for how many Grateful Dead concerts Maudie & Iggy have seen is: 3.5

Iggy told me he saw 3 Dead shows (I estimated he saw 6) and Maudie admited on her website that she doesn't know...
Oh....and The Grateful Dead? I was on my way from Santa Fe to Taos on a solo road trip through New Mexico when I heard on the radio that Jerry Garcia had died. I thought an era had come to an end. Apparently not. When did I see them? I don't know. I don't honestly know if I've seen them or not....if I did it was in college during the 'fog' - which would be totally appropriate that I wouldn't remember a Dead concert. So...I'd have to say that the number of times I've seen The Grateful Dead is from zero to I don't know....sorry, Pauly.
I decided to give her a half a show. For a grand total of 3.5 shows combined. Well under the set number by me. Good job, Boy Genius!!

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Pauly Goes Down... And Finds Four Aces
"And then the monkey kicked the Lion in the ding-ding!" - Punchline to one of my favorite jokes
I hope I'm never the punchline to a bad joke, delivered by watered-down, bad-suit-wearing talk shot hosts, and ripped off the morning after by second-rate shock jocks on the radio. At any rate, yesterday I had the worst day ever... for me on Party Poker. It's news for me. Since I started playing online in February, I never lost more than $100 in one session. I always logged off before that could happen. I installed a stop-loss method to playing online: Never play more than eight hours per session and never lose more than $100 per session. Those are my rules and I stuck to them... until yesterday. Yes, yesterday, it was ugly. Like double bagger ugly. My Party Poker bankroll took a massive hit. Sure I lost about $50 in tourneys ($5 + $1 NL multi and two $20 SNGs where I came in 9th and 4th) but I also got slaughtered on the NL ring tables.

In the multi, I had AQo cracked twice! I lost to a short stack at my table with KK. He went all-in in LP and I went back over the top of him. I never put the guy on KK. Then in Level 5, I walked right into a guy with AA when I had AQo. Ouch. Busted out 491 out of 1154. I was feeling good too. I was smacked around maliciously like one of Rick James' drug-riddled groupies. I wrote for an hour and logged back into Party Poker.

All my good hands were cracked. AA lost to 10-10 (river 10). KK lost to JJ. The mimrod called my $10 over the top re-raise and caught his J on the turn. My AKs lost to AJ when he caught runner-runner for a set. One of those days, eh? I did what I could. I got my money in pots when I knew I was the favorite... and I got idiots to call me, which I wanted. My expected results were not fun to stomach. I reloaded three times. If I felt I was near tilt, I would not have reloaded. I would have walked away. But I was sure I could turn it around. Said like a true junkie.

I got my little heart crushed in the $20 SNGs. I had been winning them 33% of the time. Nothing like adding a quick $100 to your bankroll. I figured I'd place in both. It didn't happen the way I scripted it. Like when Joey dumped Dawson on Dawson's Creek... I was doomed. My AKs flopped a flush. I went all-in vs. KK. Yes... he caught runner runner for a full house. D'oh!! Out in 9th place. Then I was bubbled out in 4th in the next one. I grinded my way and I should have been knocked out sooner. I logged off a little depressed. I needed to play tic-tac-toe with a bunch of six year olds to get my confidence level up. I even turned on Wheel of Fortune, which I do when I want to feel smart.

Four Aces?

After dinner, I logged in to see who was playing. Maudie was on another rush and I couldn't resist sitting down. I'm glad I did. Stinky showed up a few minutes later and they witnessed yet more history. My first ever quad aces.
***** Hand History for Game 660344926 *****
Boygza has left the table.
0/0 TexasHTGameTable (NL) - Tue Jun 08 20:51:55 EDT 2004
Table Pick Pockets (Real Money) -- Seat 3 is the button
Total number of players : 9
Dr. Pauly posts small blind (0.25)
chata911 posts big blind (0.50)
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to Dr. Pauly [ Ad, Ac ]
kelly_g44 calls (0.50)
Murlz calls (0.50)
Maudie_B folds.
sniperd calls (0.50)
goldencondor folds.
stinky_pants folds.
Crackinizer folds.
Dr. Pauly calls (0.25)
chata911 checks.
** Dealing Flop ** : [ Ah, 5s, 9s ]
Dr. Pauly checks.
chata911 checks.
kelly_g44 checks.
Murlz checks.
sniperd bets (2)
Dr. Pauly calls (2)
chata911 folds.
kelly_g44 folds.
Murlz folds.
** Dealing Turn ** : [ As ]
Dr. Pauly checks.
sniperd checks.
** Dealing River ** : [ 3s ]
Dr. Pauly checks.
sniperd checks.
** Summary **
Main Pot: $6.20 | Rake: $0.30
Board: [ Ah 5s 9s As 3s ]
Dr. Pauly balance $34.90, bet $2.50, collected $6.20, net +$3.70 [ Ad Ac ] [ four of a kind, aces -- Ad,Ac,Ah,As,9s ]
sniperd balance $21.75, lost $2.50 [ Ts Td ] [ a flush, ace high -- As,Ts,9s,5s,3s ]
Yeah! It made me feel better. I wish he bet out on the flush!! And I was going for the check raise on the river, inc ase you were wondering. Too bad he didn't bet. I need to play with Stinky and Maudie more often... since Sunday, they have seen my Quads Aces and my Royal Straight Flush!!

Time to pick up the pieces and play much better today.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

5 Random Sitcom Characters I Want to Play Poker With...

1. Kramer from Seinfeld
2. Rev. Jim Ignatowski from Taxi
3. Jack Tripper from Three's Company
4. JJ from Good Times
5. Coach from Cheers
Slow Playing at a Blogger Convention
"Son, there are two types of people... winners and losers. Don't be a loser like Flanders, boy!" - Homer Simpson
I had a rough day on the tables at Party Poker. I was bogged down writing all morning and afternoon, and needed a break. I played 3 $20 SNGs... placed (9,9,1). I had my KK cracked by AA very early. Oh well.

I wasn't going to play anymore, but something told me to log onto Party Poker to check my account balance. And I found Al Can't Hang playing a $25 NL ring game. He had a guy with $230 at his table. That is an impressive feat for a max. $25 buy-in. Al Can't Hang was hell bent on getting his massive stack so I sat down as well. I must say that Al Can't Hang went on a nice rush, winning several pots and catching cards. Within a few minutes, the Jedi Master himself, Iggy McBoobs joined the mix and lost a pot heads up with Al Can't Hang. Soon after, Stinky Pants was there too. Four poker bloggers... and one massive stack we were gunning for. He had well over $280 at one point.

Alas, the guy sat out for too long... and Party Poker booted him after 30 mins, which sucked. Alas, Maudie hopped on and took the empty seat. And then... HDouble appeared! 6 poker bloggers at one table? You bectha. It felt like that scene in Rounders.
The Players:
Seat 1: Nobody
Seat 2: Big Stack with $230+... then Maudie
Seat 3: Fish #1
Seat 4: Dr. Pauly
Seat 5: HDouble
Seat 6: Al Can't Hang... then Monte Christo
Seat 7: LA Fish
Seat 8: 90210 Boy
Seat 9: Stinkypants
Seat 10: Iggy McBoobs
Ironically, on Monday nights I had been playing at the Blue Parrot. Alas, Ferrari did not have a game this week, so my Monday night antics switched to Party Poker. The game had a very loose, jovial feel to it. I wasn't taking any notes and spent more time goofing off in the chat. Hell, as Iggy said, it's was a lot of fun playing with everyone. I dunno if any of the other players knew that we were all familiar with one another. One guy was from Beverly Hills, and he made a snide ("I'm a cool guy toughster") comment directed at me or HDouble. I quickly went on the offensive. I like fucking with pretty, rich boys. I know I can kick their asses with little effort. I started calling him 90210 boy, which drew a slew of Brandon and Dylan cat calls from the peanut gallery. He shut up right away. Al Can't Hang left to spend some quality time with Mrs. Can't Hang and Monte Christo took his seat, to keep the blogger flow going and keep our 6 to 4 seat edge, lol.

Mr. Slowplay

Two hands made me a nice bundle. I got AKo in middle position. I limped in and HDouble raised to 3x the BB. I got him! Everyone folded to me and I reraised all-in. Mr. HDouble called with AJo. The board: 9s-Qc-9c-3c-8h. And that's how Dr. Pauly doubled up against HDouble. He never saw it coming.

A few hands later, I found AA UTG. I limped in, hoping for a raise at the loose table. One of the LA fishies raised and doubled the BB. The big blind reraised to 9x the BB. Wow. Did he have AA too? I let all my time expire, something I never do... but did it for the dramatic effect and let the fellow bloggers taunt and tease both me and the fish to going all-in. I went over the top of him and he quickly called. I had him! I held my breath and hoped the rockets held up. The board: Ah-9c-8d-Qh-3d. I had a set of aces. The big blind held 8-8!! I beat him, set over set. I almost got outflopped when he hit his set, but luckily, so did I! Oh yeah. Two sloplays. Two big pots. That made for a great evening.

All in all, another quality night on Party Poker. Watched Iggy dig deep and rebuy a few times. A couple of us dropped the Hammer (myself included), I busted HDouble heads-up, schooled some fish, and played with some bloggers I respect dearly. Yes, oh the humanity! Some nights, poker is tons of fun.

Sunday Night SNG

I forgot to mention, that I played a $5 SNG with both Boy Genius and Phil from Studio Glyphic. He has a write up of our exploits: Poker Blogger SNG. Poor BG got busted on the first hand with KK!! Always a pleasure to play with fellow bloggers.
Party Poker and Ireland!

I am going to try to win a seat at the World Poker Championships in Dublin, Ireland... via a satellite on Party Poker. Shit, a free trip to the Fatherland? Never been there, but would love to go and win an all expenses paid trip.

In case you were wondering, Party Poker is the largest poker room in the world with almost 40,000 players at one time. Download their software today and set up a real money account. Use my bonus code: TAO4. They are having new member free roll toruneys, in addition to a shitload of giveaways. With all the fish out there strating to get into poker, it's an excellent opportunity to make some quick cash. As Iggy once said, "Party Poker is a virtual ATM machine."

Amen. Visit the land where Guinness was invented and perfected.

Monday, June 07, 2004

Week 4: BG-Pauly Gamble-thon... Deadheads!

This week's prop bet, as chosen by me: How many Grateful Dead concerts have Iggy and Maudie seen combined? The over/under is 10.5.

Boy Genius picked the Under. I'm thinking around 15 or 16. Iggy's a Deadhead. And based on some her stories from the Nixon era, I'm guessing that Maudie's seen Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds way before she started flopping diamond nut flushes. Hehehehheehehe.

Anyway, I think I have the Week 3 wager locked up... guessing the combined weight and height of random poker bloggers. Just waiting for confrimation.

I lost Week 2: Shrek 2's Memorial Day weekend grosses when I over estimated a whopping $151 million. I won Week 1: Who will die first... an actor or musician? when Tony Randall died.

Alas, Iggy and Maudie, settle this bet for us and let us know how many shows you've seen!!

Editor's Note: I know that Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds is a Beatles song, which The Grateful Dead covered from time to time. Ironically, at my last Grateful Dead show in June 1995... the last song I ever heard played was.... Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. In case you were wondering, I saw The Grateful Dead 46 times... all before my 23rd birthday. My first show? My 15th birthday in 1987 at Madison Square Garden, here in NYC. I have been a Deadhead ever since.

Sunday, June 06, 2004

Royal Tao!

I popped my straight flush (and Royal SF) cherry! It's like having your first no-hitter be a pefrect game. Or losing your viriginity to Paris Hilton. And the coolest part? It was witnessed by 2 bloggers... Maudie was on a wicked rush, and netted $120 in less than 30 minutes! And Stinky just joined the mix to see me take it down.
***** Hand History for Game 654901174 *****
Table Home of the brave (Real Money)
Seat 1 is the button
Total number of players : 10
Seat 1: dmd071976 ( $12.62 )
Seat 3: Dr. Pauly ( $21.3 )
Seat 7: Maudie_B ( $129.1 )
Seat 8: axian ( $30.98 )
Seat 9: stinky_pants ( $22 )
Seat 6: levis03 ( $25.9 )
Seat 5: JSwegerWCU ( $39.95 )
Seat 10: kurokitty ( $21.3 )
Seat 2: dwhitney1978 ( $24.5 )
Seat 4: ig305 ( $17.55 )
dwhitney1978 posts small blind [$0.25].
Dr. Pauly posts big blind [$0.5].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to Dr. Pauly [ Js As ]
ig305 folds.
JSwegerWCU folds.
levis03 folds.
Maudie_B: Figured you for the A but it was cheap to call
Maudie_B folds.
axian calls [$0.5].
stinky_pants folds.
kurokitty folds.
dmd071976 calls [$0.5].
Dr. Pauly raises [$0.5].
axian folds.
dmd071976 calls [$0.5].
dwhitney1978 calls [$0.5].
** Dealing Flop ** [ Qs, Ks, 3d ]
dwhitney1978 checks.
Dr. Pauly bets [$0.5].
dmd071976 calls [$0.5].
dwhitney1978 calls [$0.5].
** Dealing Turn ** [ Ts ]
dwhitney1978 checks.
Dr. Pauly checks.
dmd071976 checks.
** Dealing River ** [ 9d ]
dwhitney1978 bets [$5].
Dr. Pauly raises [$15].
dmd071976 folds.
dwhitney1978 calls [$10].
Dr. Pauly shows [ Js, As ] Royal Flush.
dwhitney1978 doesn't show [ Qc, Jd ] a straight, nine to king.
Dr. Pauly wins $33.25 from the main pot with Royal Flush.
Well, that's that! My first Royal and straight flush ever.
Congrats to Coach... and Mrs. Coach!

Poker buddy, Coach, got married yesterday. You can read the NY Times write up of their nuptials. Congrats!!
Al Can't Hang: The Home and Home Series

Wow. I cannot believe I lasted 12 hours of drinking with the legendary Al Can't Hang... and I didn't puke! (Yet... that's a big YET!)

Seriously, I watched the Master SoCo-ologist down no less than 30 shots... starting at 2pm and ending up close to 2am. 30 shots. I don't drink 30 shots in one year, let alone a half of a day!!

Here's what Al Can't Hang wrote on his site before he started his weekend trip to NYC:
I am a mere two hours from the NYC side of the Al and Pauly home-and-home series. I got my maps, my directions, and my MAC10 ready to go. My goals are set low. I no longer wish to drink all the SoCo in Manhattan, I'll settle for drinking one bar out of the nectar...

In honor of my trip north to Pauly land, here's the top 5 things I want to do in NYC.
1. See a Met's game. Easy
2. See a Yankee's game. Easy
3. Get drunk.Could be tough. Tolerance high along with the prices.
4. Get myself AND Pauly drunk. Could be very tough. Pauly showed impressive resistance to my calls for shots.
5. Get the wifey drunk. Easiest. She's probably got a booze already.

That's it for the weekend. Writeups starting on Monday if I'm alive.
Yep, Mrs. Hang and Mr. Hang came prepared for a long weekend of baseball and drinking! More to come... but for now I just wanted to let everyone know that I am alive. I have both my kidneys in tact. My liver... is a whole other story. But suffice to say, I hoisted a shot of Southern Comfort (the nectar of the Gods... as Al Can't Hang calls it) and barhopped with the Hangs in two boroughs! We also witnessed a Yankees loss, a Smarty Jones defeat, and an ugly 2OT defeat of my beloved Calgary Flames!! That hurt.

And yes, Al Can't Hang ate a Gray's Papaya hotdog. Be back later with more details.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Dr. Feelgood

It's Saturday morning. I got up early to write a new short story, eat bagels, and watch the French Open. I'm not a big tennis fan. I had money on the Russian broad. My brother is playing in a the $5 + $1 Multi on Party Poker. I went over to my Mom's apartment so I could sweat him and play an hour or two at the $25 NL Ring games. And yes, HDouble, the NL games have been very fishy the past week or so. I never saw so many nimrods go all-in preflop... with absolute garbage. Too many Gus Hansen minions out there, trying to bluff-steal pots preflop with Q-10o or even 5-6s, coming over the top of people who bet 8x the BB (holding AA, KK, or AKs.) Keep 'em coming! All I have to do is wait for the nuts, then pounce.

Last night, I played a little $1-2 with my favorite Minnesota blogger, Mr. Halverson. It was a treat especially because there was a guy who kept making fishy calls... (e.g. losing to me twice in a row with inferior kickers.) I saw him drop 22 BB in 15 minutes. He reloaded after I busted him. I admit, I chased two flushes all the way down to the river and caught them both, taking down two huge pots... which is one of the tempting and dangerous aspects of low limit poker. For only $2, I'll see another card. In NL, if you're up against a solid player, they'll put you all-in to chase that flush. I won about 8BB in a short hit and run session. Would have won more if I didn't get Nicky & Paris cracked by KK.

I've been a bubble boy the last few $20 SNGs. Keep getting to 4th place without the benefit of any cards. Haven't seen too many monster hands recently. They'll come around eventually.

Smarty Jones could make history this afternoon. I put money down on Purge and Rock Hard Ten... just in case Smarty doesn't handle the slop.

I'm off to Yankee Stadium today to see the Bronx Bombers take on the Texas Rangers. I'm meeting Al Can't Hang and Mrs. Hang before the game for afternoon cocktails. Updates to come.

Later taters,
Dr. Pauly
Choice Poker Stole My Money: The Letter

I'm working hard on trying to get our stolen money back from Choice Poker. The bastards. Here's a bit of what I wrote to them:
Dear Choice Poker,

I have contacted the Costa Rican Mercantile Registry and the Ministerio de Economia, Industria y Commercio. I reluctantly, yet graciously, gave you plenty of chances to come clean with me and tell me the truth about your financial woes. On more than one instance you and several members of your support staff lied to me.

Now, you leave me with no other alternatives. I am forced to seek the help of your government officials in helping secure payment owed to me and several of my friends, whom you also misled and lied to on numerous instances.

I will be contacting attorneys in San Jose as my next step. I'm sure I can find at least one attorney who is willing to accept our case, once he knows how much money is owed to us.

I will be awaiting your response. This is the 45th e-mail I have sent you since March 1st, 2004.

Dr. Pauly McGrupp
The signature was inspired by Mr. Decker! And yes, I have contacted the Ministerio de Economia, Industria y Commercio and Costa Rican Mercantile Registry. They were not the most helpful bunch, but at least I made contact with someone. More to come.

Friday, June 04, 2004

Call Me Dr. Pauly
"What's money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do." - Bob Dylan
The Poker Prof has an interesting post about the legality of online gambling called: On-line Poker, Is it Legal? Here's a bit:
The answer to the title question right now is a capital NO! It's not legal under federal law, meaning it's illegal in every state despite that state's laws (e.g. poker is legal in California and Nevada). Now, the question becomes why not? And an ancillary to the predicate is what can we do to make it legal? Before I go about trying to answer these questions some facts.

1. Almost every poker blogger plays on-line poker.

2. Quite a few people can and do make a living at on-line poker, especially during the economic downturn.

3. On-line poker sites have millions upon millions of registered accounts and each account is a voice.
I know I am skating on thin ice... and with so many off shore accounts that I have... it's a matter of time before I am flagged for National Security reasons, and the thugs at Homeland Security run me "downtown" and force me to put a plastic bag over my head and do the dreadful "butt pyramind" with other degenerate internet gamblers.

But I'm still free for the moment, considering a move to Iceland for legal reasons and tax loopholes. I always wanted to buy a farm and raise and breed reindeer.

Oh, Canada!

I know I have a few fans from Canada... and yes, I'm a hockey fan. (To clear up the rumors... I never played hockey professionally, semi-professionally, or even in the Olypmics... I played in high school). I am a NY Rangers fan which means I have no one to root for in the postseason. Every year I pick a new team to root for. Last year, it was the Minnesota Wild... this year, I put money on Calgary when I was in Las Vegas. So I'm pulling for the Flames! What a game last night, eh TP? Sudden death OT in hockey is one of the most thrilling aspects of professional sports.

Pauly Blows Chow

Expect to see me hurling in the streets of NYC sometime late Saturday night. Al Can't Hangover and his lovely wife, Mrs. Hang are coming to NYC to see to baseball games... both the Mets and the Yankees. I'll be tagging along for the Yanks game on Saturday, of course showing Al Can't Hang the coolest Yankees bar in the Bronx. Since we're not going to be playing poker... I can drink as much as I can handle.

Blogger Roundup

Mr. Decker has a hysterical post about a Nigerian email scam about a widow trying to con Mr. Decker out of all of his money/bankroll. Here's my favorite part of his repsonse:
By the way, do you play poker? Maybe after our transaction is completed we could go to Vegas together. We would certainly have the bankroll to play the highest limits. Since you have mentioned the possibility of marriage, I must inform you that Vegas has some very liberal views on marriage, and should we decide we are compatible, it would be very easy for us to wed. I feel obligated to tell you that I am a breast man, and my future wife MUST be well endowed. Can you tell me, how are your jugs? If they are not of adequate proportions, I am sure we can locate a plastic surgeon who could "enhance" them. I know of a Dr. Pauly McGrupp who is a specialist in the area of female anatomy and I am sure he would do a wonderful job on your melons. Are you open to this, Ms. Abacha?
Good job, Mr. Decker!

Chris Halverson just checked out The Gourds last night. He has a nice write up.

The boys from Up for Poker... CJ and Otis have some good write ups as well.

Best of luck to Mean Gene. I got the ax last February from JP Morgan, and I've been super happy ever since! Sure I make 1/8th of what I was pulling down in the trenches on Wall Street, but I don't have those "suicidal thoughts" anymore that I used to get seconds after my alarm clock went off every morning.

Felicia is out in California trying to win some tourneys at the Cali State Championships. Check out the latest post from Glenn.

Burt Fu is always highly entertaining. I must sometime soon meet up with some of the other area bloggers in AC... maybe later this summer!

Lord Geznikor has a wrap up of Week 17 as a poker pro. It's always a must read.

And yes, HDouble has been living in LA too long. Alas, here's another hilarious post: The Poker Wisdom of Rushmore.

Wait... How Have You Been Playing?

Pretty solid on Party Poker over this week. No complaints. I had a down session yesterday, but I didn't make any bonehead plays that I am prone to make from time to time. I got nailed on a few bad beats, but I got my money in pots when I had the best hand, and that's all you can ask for. I am shrugging off the bad beats with the ease and patience of a Buddhist monk. I focus on the bigger picture.

I have been flirting ith two tables at once... in addition to playing short handed NL ring games. I'm not 100% comfortable with playing multi-tables at the same time. I'm good, but not that good. I think it's easier to play 3 tables of Limit poker at once... than it is to play NL tables... because you really have to pay more attention to how people bet in NL. In limit, you either have the cards or you don't. No Limit is a different beast and I found it difficult to effectively play more than 2 tables at once.

OK, now go do some work!!
5 Random Simpsons Secondary Characters I Would NOT Want to Talk to While Tripping on LSD...

1. Reverend Lovejoy
2. Ned Flanders
3. Bumble Bee Man
4. Chief Wiggum
5. Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon

Bumblee Bee Man Posted by Hello

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Random Referrals: Phil Laak and Paris Hilton?

I have been getting a steady stream of traffic for people looking for: Phil Laak Bio from Google and other search engines. He won last night's event on the WPT. So that makes sense. This morning I got a hit for someone looking for: Paris hiltons high-end purse collection.

I'm throwing those random websurfers a bone. Here's the WPT bio for Phil "Uanbomber" Laak.

And for Paris Hilton's high end purse collection seekers... you're shit out of luck.

Yesterday, I had someone stumble upon the Tao of Pauly looking for: shit + airline + beverage cart.

If I got drunk enough on a flight from Vegas to NYC, while sitting in first class with Phil Laak, I'm sure the degenerate gambler in me could be cajoled by the Unabomber or even Boy Genius into taking a dump in one of Paris Hilton's high end purses, instead of the standard deviant defecating on a beverage cart boisterous behavior. I'd love to see the look on Paris' face when she opens up her purse to powder her nose and finds a nice hunk of the Tao of Poker in her designer, baby seal skin, $1200 handbag... big enough to hold a compact, a cell phone, a vibrator, and one full bowel movement.
Congrats to Ugarte!!

Who knew? Ugarte is the second funniest Jew and the funniest lawyer in NYC! He took second place on Tuesday and first place last night! He's kicking ass. Read all about his exploits over at Rick's Cafe. Yep, I'm proud of the guy! Good work.

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

5 Random Simpsons Secondary Characters I Want to Get Stoned With...

1. Groundskeeper Willie
2. Carl, but not Lenny
3. Bumble Bee Man
4. Mayor Quimby
5. Otto the bus driver