Thursday, March 11, 2010

Top 10 Ways to Annoy Chat Beggars

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

The bottom feeders of the poker community are those annoying brokedicks who hang out in chat boxes at different online poker rooms while trying to acquire funds when railbirding your tournaments and cash games. The chat beggars bombard financially solvent players with harassing requests for spare change. Their low-brow antics used to be out of control, but support staff at various rooms have improved their response times in weeding out the undesirables by banning their chat privileges. Sort of like how Rudy Giuliani cleaned up the streets of New York City in the 1990s when the police began issuing quality of life tickets/citations to homeless window washers and squeegee men.

Sometimes, however, you're going to be face-to-face in an inevitable confrontation with the unwashed masses because you cannot escape the millions of downtrodden souls in the world of online poker. Degenerate gamblers go broke everyday and rather than try to run of your bankroll through the Jesus Ferguson Challenge (or God forbid, they actually get off their asses and get a real job), they resort to begging for leftovers.

The scam always starts off with a suspicious "nh" in the chat after you win an innocuous pot. That's the brokedicks sneaky way of trying to open up a conversation that will eventually end with, "Can you send me $5?"

Of course, I always ignore the initial response. Never dignify a bottom feeder because they will follow you around forever. The persistent beggars keep buttering you up with more words of encouragement in the chat box. If I don't recognize the name, I immediately assume that I'm dealing with a peasant seeking alms.

Some of my friends dive deep into uber-tilt when dealing with these relentless parasites and maggots. Other friends love to have a laugh at the chat beggars' expense. Me? It depends on how bored that I am. Generally as a rule, I ignore everything in the chat box and focus on multi-tabling. On rare instances, however, when I'm feeling a little saucy or mischievous, I will go out of my way to completely fuck with the chat beggars.

Here are a few things that I've done in the past...
1.Guilt trip... I have been using the Haiti earthquake as a most recent excuse not to give them money. "I just donated my extra money to Haiti victims. These people don't have homes. I only donate money to worthy causes." That's like using a flamethrower to swat a fly, but it is highly effective. Not even the most desperate of gamblers can win an argument against those suffering from a natural disaster or act of God. I first started this tactic in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and that was an easy way of brushing away the annoying gnats.

2. Sounds of silence... Tell the chat beggars that if they remain silent in the chat and not type another single word for twenty minutes, and then you will transfer them money. Most of the chat beggars know you are fucking with them and go away. A few will actually attempt to keep quiet for free money. Just make sure you log off before their silent time expires.

3. A Rabbi walks into a bar... Make the monkey dance. Get them to tell you a funny joke. Of course, in the end, the joke is on them because no matter what they say -- you're gonna retort with "Worst joke ever" or something snarky like that.

4. Obscure trivia... Make the chat beggars search the intertubes for the most random (and hard to research) fact like how many wooden teeth did George Washington have when he died, or how much does a whale's vagina weigh (in ounces). Hat tip to SnailTrax for the whale vag bit.

5. Bible quiz... Degenerate gamblers and other low lifes have a morbid fear of organized religion and Jesus Christ. Use that to your advantage. Tell the chat beggars that you will give them $1 for ever Bible passage they can accurately quote. I prefer to blurt out numbers from New Testament particularly Paul's letters to the Corinthians.

6. Check is in the mail... Tell them that you're low on funds and will happily mail them a personal check. Ask for their full name, SSN, and street address.

7. Craigslist cocksmugglers... Point them to the casual encounters section of Craiglist. Tell them to embrace their reality -- it's time to suck cock for buy-ins.

8. Essay portion of the exam... Tell the chat beggars to email you a 3,000 word essay on how they lost their bankroll. If they post a hand history, they will be disqualified. I've actually had someone do this and got pissed when I didn't send them the money.

9. Animal farm... Tell the chat beggars that you have a fetish for farm porn. Ask to see pictures of them performing lewd sexual acts with various animals. You'd be surprised at some of the answers you get. You'd even be more surprised at the pictures some of them will actually send.

10. BrökenDicken... Answer the chat beggar but only speak in Scandi. Use umlauts (an o with two dots over it. Like this... ö). Use lots of umlauts to confuse them, and they'll eventually go away. Beware, this trick not work with actual Norwegians, Danes, or Swedes who will start harassing you in their native tongues.
Now you'll be prepared to have a little fun at the expense of busto chat beggars.


  1. Julius_Goat3:48 PM

    Let's not forget the Typo Gambit.  You claim you sent $20 to . . . but mis-spell the begger's username.  Repeat until the begger catches on or the whole table is laughing.  Typically this will be 3-5 times.

  2. <span>And YOU don't fell guilty when you use trick #1 ?</span>
    I couldn't use that one, unless I do a real gift to the cause I cite...

  3. Pauly5:19 PM

    I've donated my share already to Haiti, and even hosted a charity tournament & special Saturdays with Dr. Pauly -- where most of the money went to the Haiti Fund and PokerStars matched it.

  4. lightning364:05 AM

    "3. A Rabbi walks into a bar... Make the monkey dance. Get them to tell you a funny joke. "

    I've had some real fun using this. One time a guy worked really hard at it and a few of us at the table sent him $.10