Kafka, Eurodonks, and Repartees

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

I played short-handed LHE 5/10 and 8/16 over the weekend and came across two dream opponents: a total Eurodonk and a total know-it-all. Both were to my immediate left. No matter if I opened or three-bet, those two dickwads called everything every fuckin' time. Unfortunately, I never got paid off with a huge hand. Instead, I got my proverbial nuts kicked on five different instances. Here are three examples... K-K vs. Q-3 and the Eurodonk caught running threes to make me slam my fist on the dining room table... Ad-10d vs Ah-2d and I flopped a diamond flush, yet Eurodonk rivered a four-diamond straight flush to which I used my Lord's name in vain... J-J vs Q-3 and the board runs out A-K-3-K-A.

I screamed and stood up and screamed some more about the unwelcome Kafkaesque experience. Instead of turning into a cockroach, I morphed into a frothing Phil Hellmuth clone. I took two deep breaths and even ripped a bong hit to calm down. Luckily, it took only two hands to get back to normal and shake off the tilt.

In the past, I have come across the same situation. Sometimes I dig in deep and focus and try to get my money back. Other times I'm fired up over the beat and play with a personal vendetta. "I just want to slice the testicles off that assface-fudgepacking-shitstain-cocksmoker-knob!"

The Zen warrior fights ninjas as they jump out of Bonsai trees. The tilt-o-dork foolishly runs downs the street naked shooting off his Uzi looking for a fire fight instead of taking the Buddhist approach and going with the flow.

Every pro, every coach, every poker book will tell you the same thing -- you want that bad player at your table. But going after him and forcing the action is recipe for disaster. You know they're a donkey. Simply let them walk into your trap instead of falling into theirs.

However, when I engage in donkey hunting on tilt (DHOT), I deviate from the normal course of action. According to the definition of tilt, my aberrant behavior fits accordingly. Nothing boils the blood more than a bad beat from an inferior player. The immediate response is that I want payback. Justice. Redemption. Now. I'm not going to fuckin' wait. I won't be happy until there's bloodshed. A good old-fashioned lynching. Hang 'em high. Fry their testicles with car batteries. Mercy is for the weak.

I avoided the urge to go donkey hunting on tilt. I resumed my normal play but with a semblance of vigilance. Yes, I didn't play each hand with "slaughter the donkey" in mind. Rather, if the donkey and I crossed paths, I was definitely prepared to hack it to pieces like the ox scene at the end of Apocalypse Now.


At the same time as I struggled with my own tilt-a-donkey demons, I also had to deal with a yapping know-it-all jagoff who kept complaining that I was raising his big blind. He was one of those players from the shallow end of the gene pool... the result from generations of inbreeding and the fact his mother was stoned on airplane model glue and muscle relaxers at the point of his conception.

The jagoff over-used the CAPS function when unleashing his sophomoric barbs. Calling each other homos and fags after losing a pot? What are we in the fourth grade?

The best way to tilt these morons in the chat is to ignore the jag-offs. Turn off their chat and resume your life because they want is attention and validation. If you do not even acknowledge their existence, they'll either give up or they'll grow angrier and be susceptible to tilt themselves. Staying silent has tremendous long term tilt odds.

At one point the incessant complaining and taunting stopped. The annoying player's connection had went out. I couldn't resist myself and typed, "guess the power went out in the trail park."

I found a couple of ways to be a complete pain-in-the-ass to your opponents and want to share those bits of chat insurgency...

...when a player types "ZZZZZZZZZZZ" into the chat, that's a player asking to be fucked with. When an action junkie seeks an instant fix and wants the play to speed up? That's when I do the opposite. At that point, I slow down and wait to the last possible second to make decisions. It's even more effective if you're in a hand with them.

...when a sore loser constantly berates opponents for sucking out, I'll go out of my way to congratulate the sucker-outer in an attempt to tilt the original sore loser. Nothing pisses off someone with low self-esteem issues than ignoring them and validating their nemesis.

...when someone goes basaltic on you and calls you a donkey, just quote The Big Lebowksi... "Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man."

...when an opponent quips, "nice catch" that's my chance to break out the infamous line from BadBlood... "Thanks, I have a big glove."

...when an angry opponent says "nice hand" in the chat (when we know they don't mean it), simply shoot back, "Do you want fries with that?"

Original content written and provided by Pauly from Tao of Poker at www.taopoker.com. All rights reserved. RSS feeds are for non-commercial use only.