Thursday, April 07, 2005

Reader Mail: The Other Tao Guy, Summer Books, Empire's Reload, Ad Space, and Timmy's Boner

It's that time of the month again when I dip into my mail archives and pick out a few emails to publish for your viewing pleasure. Feel free to send me an email for consideration in a future edition of Reader Mail. This edition features everyone's favorite reader... Timmy. I also was fortunate to get an email from a famous author... Larry W. Phillips.


Very cool site. Like it a lot. Huge. Somewhat cosmically, it combines two of the things I like best, too-- writing and poker.

Larry W. Phillips
Other Tao of Poker Guy

Mr. Phillips,

Wow. It's an honor to get an email from you. I always suggest your books to my friends (even those who don't play poker). My ex-girlfriend gave me your book The Tao of Poker a few years ago. I still have it and it's been passed along to regulars at my home game.

Glad you dig my site. When I started it, I didn't think anyone would read it... recently poker and blogs and pokerblogs for that matter "blew up" over night.

Take care and thanks for reading,

P.S. I hope you don't sue me for naming my blog after your book. I'll make sure I pimp your book as much as I can, to avoid any future law suits.

***** *****
Hey Doc,

Is Empire running a new reload bonus? What is the code?

Lonny (Lexington, KY)
Hey Lonny,

Empire Poker is running a rare reload bonus... Bonus Code: EPmania.

It's a 25% bonus up to $150. So if you deposit $600, you can get $150 free. You have to play 7x raked hands in 7 days. The time for this promotion is April 6th thru April 10th. So don't delay and head over to Empire Poker to do a little bonus whoring. See you at the tables.

Thanks for reading,

***** *****
Dear Dr. Pauly,

Could you recommend any good non-poker books to read while on vacation this summer? I read all those Dan Brown novels. Now, I'm looking for something new and different.

Eddie (Joliet, IL)

Hey Eddie,

I think you should check out Arthur Nersesian. He's my favorite NYC writer and the author of The Fuck Up. I would also steer you towards Marty Beckerman. That kid can fuckin' write man. Of course Wil Wheaton has two solid books out there. Go read his stuff. If you are into current events and Middle East Politics then one of my best friends from college, Jon Schanzer, wrote a book called Al-Qaeda's Armies: Middle East Affiliate Groups & The Next Generation of Terror.

I am currently reading Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman. My buddy the Joker insisted I read it and Briana gave me her copy. It's a hilarious read. He reminds me a little bit of Boy Genius. In his book, Klosterman pretty much goes off on pop culture. His chapter on The Real World is amazing. I never thought anyone could deconstruct the modern MTV-driven society in a clever way, and Klosterman did just that. He also writes about the coolness of Billy Joel, being on the road with a Guns N Roses tribute band, internet porn, and how The Empire Strikes Back was the movie that completely epitomized Generation X. Good shit in there.

Thanks for reading,

***** *****

While browsing other gambling weblogs, I came across your weblog on gambling and wanted to see if you are interested in putting text or banner ads in a related category on your site. I am one of the inventory development staff at CxxxxAds, an ad network focused on weblog advertising. We have an increasing number of gambling advertisers who wish to advertise on our network. Hence, I am interested in recruiting more weblogs that touch the subject of gambling.

To address this market, we are considering launching a new program centered around the gambling market. We would pay you on a CPM (impression basis) rather than a CPC (click through basis). Would this be something you would be interested in?

Yo Frankie Poo,

I apologize in advance for the crudeness of my email. I get 100 of emails like this everyday. And it's a pain in the ass to weed out the no names from the serious parties.

Straight up... I am interested in you advertising on my blog... please tell me more. Quick question? Is this like Google's ad sense? If so, then it's not going to work out. Google is run by a bunch of greedy criminals. 2cents a click through? Please! I am better off jerking off lonely businessmen in Penn Station. At least I'll have a little dignity left over.

I have talked to my friends with other poker blogs and I found out I'm not the only one you contacted. So I don't feel special... if you were trying to make me feel that way.

I have a widely read poker blog out there with several new visitors stopping by every day. I'm expecting more hits every week in the future since I'm moving to Vegas to cover the World Series of Poker. You really have to make me a nice offer, because I am currently negotiating with a popular French-Canadian porn site about advertising on my blog. The Church of Scientology have been sweating me heavily. They see this opportunity and want in.

What can u offer me? Besides free porn, the short answers to this complicated universe, and John Travolta's cell phone number?

By the way, this click through stuff is horseshit in my eyes. You guys get all the money and I get dick. Make me a legit offer and you'll see how well my blog(s) will do for you.

Honestly, I'll get someone to pay me what an ad is really worth on my blog. I'm just giving you a chance to outbid any porn-happy Quebes or L. Ron Hubbard-heads, or anyone else out there.

Again, feel free to get back to me with a real offer or feel free to tell me to fuck off. Either way, thanks for taking the time out of your busy day to see if you can use me and exploit my readers to make money for the suits that you work for.

Have a good day,

***** *****
Dear Doc,

It's Timmy again. I should have taken your advice and bet on North Carolina. Next time I will. I have a question that's not really poker related. Sometimes when I am in class I get boners. I cannot control them. No one has caught me yet. Is there anything you can do to stop these things? Am I a freak because I walk around school with a boner?

Timmy (Pensacola, FL)
Dear Timmy,

The medical tern for your problem is spontaneous erections. I used to get them too. Shit I still get them... usually when I'm at stripclubs or when I'm watching any Katie Holmes' scenes from Dawson's Creek. Don't worry, it's natural for a boy of your age to be undergoing changes. My advice to you is to take plenty of cold showers and wear baggy pants. And if any aging rock stars want to give you $100 bills to play the "tickle game", then I strongly suggest you kick them in the gonads. You should start your own version of the "tickle game" with some of the cuter Brownies in your class.

And lastly, kid, you're a not a freak for experiencing boners. Believe me, it's the first sign of normalcy I have seen from you. Let's put it this way... you are a freak for writing me for sexual, gambling, and other miscellaneous advice. But I'll do what I can to help.

Hang tough and avoid spandex,

And that's it for this version of reader mail. See ya at the tables on Empire Poker.

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