Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Phil Hellmuth... Hollywood Star?

I dunno what compelled me to check out: What's Up with Phil Hellmuth... (actually after seeing that hilarious video of Phil bashing Iggy's $30,000 call with K-Qo! I was slightly interested in his latest antics)... anyway here's the monster news everyone's been waiting for:

"A major studio has just optioned Phil's life story (until age 24 anyway), currently called, The Madison Kid."

Good lord. No wonder I have a difficult time getting my screenplays read in Hollyweird! How can I compete with kick ass film ideas like that? I think that a film about Hellmuth's early days in Cheeseland (when he only played TOP 10 hands) might be as interesting as Mona Lisa Smile which Haley dragged me to go see... and what my friend from Miami, Shappy, refers to as: Mona Lisa Bush. You gotta love chick flicks! Actually, I'm eagerly awaiting: Stuey... the film about Stu Ungar who is played by Michael Imperioli from The Sopranos. I loved Imperioli's performance as Spider in Goodfellas.

Here's my version of The Madison Kid:


INT: U. of Wisconsin Student Center - DAY

A young man wearing a Wisconsin sweatshirt is sitting at a table with four other people. He has warts on his hands and acne peppers his face. This is Phil Hellmuth, age 19.

CUT TO: His hole cards. Kd-Qc

Phil ponders for a second and scratches his head. We catch a glimpse at the community cards: Ks-7c-Jh-Qd-Qh.

PHIL: I'm all in!

The rest of the table mutters. The camera focuses in on Phil's trembling hands. One person calls. We see the chips splash the pot. Phil reluctantly turns over his hole cards. His K and Q are good enough to win, beating out a pair of Aces and Someone with A-K. He wins the pot and sheepishly stacks his chips. The camera pans back and we catch a glimpse at the rest of the players... all angry, young, pretty sorority girls.

Sorority Poker Player 1: What kind of bullshit is that? I can't believe I got my pocket Aces cracked with that crapola! Who calls a pre-flop raise with K-Q off suit?

Sorority Poker Player 2: I'm sick of your bullshit! A-K suited losing to a lame K-Q?!

Sorority Poker Player 3: That's the last time you catch anything on the river!

All three girls jump up from the table and lunge at Phil, who awkwardly attempts to shove all the chips into his pocket. The lanky, uncoordinated Phil trips over a chair. The girls catch up to him, and like an angry mob, they surround the helpless Phil.

CUT TO: One of the girl's fists attacking Phil's head.

Sorority Poker Player 1: This will teach you to only play premium hands!!

As the camera FADES TO BLACK, we hearing crying and whining from Phil, as the faint sound of broken bones can be heard in the background, muffled by the giggles of the sorority girls.


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