Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Prison Tips for Online Poker Players

I've been watching Rounders all morning long specifically the scenes when Worm was in the joint. I'm trying to pick up some prison tips to offer up to my readers and fellow bloggers just in case they get pinched. Like 95% of all my knowledge, I learned everything there is to know about prison life from watching classic Hollywood flicks like Jailhouse Rock, Cool Hand Luke, Green Mile, Out of Sight, Bad Boys (with Sean Penn), Midnight Express, The Shawshank Redemption, Down by Law, Escape from Alcatraz, My Cousin Vinny, Rounders, and the HBO series OZ.

There are few common themes in prison flicks like rapes and riots but I also know that you have a lot of time in prison to write, work out, and play dominos and cards. Yeah I did some digging and I found out that there's a lesser known circuit event called The World Series of Prison Poker. Last year's winner won a carton of menthol cigarettes and a month of rape-free showers.

Richard Nixon once said, "A good lie will keep you out of prison." I'm from the school of thought that a good lawyer will keep you out of prison. Instead of trying to use your winnings to buy a flat screen TV or Christmas gifts for your kids, I might suggest you squirrel away some of your bankroll for future legal fees.

If you do get pinched, the good news is that you will most likely end up in a low security federal facility or a country club prison. Federal prisons are much cleaner and have better food than state penitentiaries.

Here are some tips on surviving prison:
1. They don't have internet access, so you won't be able to keep up a prison blog. Start practicing your longhand because you should take as many notes as possible. When you return from the joint, your prison stories will help boost your languishing traffic. And if you are one of the more literate bloggers... there hasn't been a well written prison book in a long time and Hollyweird loves prison-themed screenplays.

2. Don't talk about your case to anyone especially to other prisoners. If they persist on knowing why you are there, tell them you stabbed a person for asking too many personal questions.

3. Keep your mouth shut, avoid eye contact at all costs, and never rat on anyone.

4. On your first day, find the biggest and baddest mother fucker and beat the shit out of them. There are no rules to prison fights so nut grabbing and biting are not frowned upon. If you survive the fight, you'll get tossed in the hole for a few weeks but at least you'll avoid the cell invasion gang rape welcoming parties.

5. Cigarettes are your friend. The more you have, the more power you wield.

6. Don't trust anyone. You have no friends in prison just like at the poker table.

7. Confront bullies as soon as possible. Either join a gang (initiation is a tough coinflip -- you'll either have to kill another prisoner or have unlubricated sex with everyone in the gang) or you will have to "strap up" which means find a shank to use to hunt down your predators and stick them before they steal all your cigarettes.

8. Don't argue with the guards and just like Worm did in Rounders, dump pots to them in games so they'll owe you favors.

9. Most prisons allow you to have five books in your cell. Not only would Super System be purposeful due to it's sheer size, but it also makes a great weapon during a riot.

10. It's always better to be a pitcher than a catcher.

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