Dear Full Tilt Poker,
I've been sifting through the fodder/gossip/fear mongering on the forums, and reading my favorite blogs about the recent news of the United States of America's Department of Justice is hot on your trail, sort of like Elliot Ness and Al Capone in The Untouchables, except you're Al Capone who isn't portrayed by a sinister and plump Bobby DeNiro. This might be time to break out the Louisville Slugger and weed out those (former) red pros who were "not part of the team" and ratted you out to the DOJ.
Seriously, with the exception of the IRS, you don't want to mess with the DOJ who are the most underrated of the three-letter government agencies. They are pinnacle of law enforcement in the Northern Hemisphere -- pitbulls that can release a swarm of killer bees by simply barking. You need to wear Kevlar at all times and prepare for postmodern warfare -- paperwork and lawyers. During the bleak Medieval times, if you didn't already raise an army, then all you had to do was hire a team of professional soldiers to settle a dispute. The term "freelance" derived from rogue French and Italian knights who offered up their services (lances) to battle against any foe. The cause didn't matter -- they just did it for the money. I'm too lazy to look it up, but if my Jesuit education serves me correctly, Sir Walter Scott first coined the term "freelance" in Ivanhoe.
In 2010, Blackwater is close as you're gonna get to mercenaries and professional thugs, but in this case, you don't need armed soldiers, rather, a well-equipped army of lawyers. Look outside the box and seek out attorneys who spent most of their life on the fringe as outlaws and outsiders. That will be your secret weapon in winning this case.
Just in case you're a little perplexed on who to hire, here are a couple of suggestions...
1. Lionel Hutz
The shyster lawyer from Springfield appeared in over 40 episodes of The Simpsons, which makes him more than qualified. At first glance, the guy set up his law office in a shopping mall, is not your typical ambulance chaser. Sure, he first assisted The Simpsons when Bart got hit by a car and he's represented the clan in numerous cases since then including the time Bart sued Krusty the Klown for eating a piece of shrapnel in Krusty's cereal. Hutz got his client $100,000 in damages. His downside is his obvious and rampant alcoholism, but since when did a substance abuse problem or mental disorder prevent anyone from being a member of the poker industry? And if you sign up with him now, you'll get one of those smoking monkey dolls!
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2. Jackie Chiles
If the glove does not fit, you must acquit! Jackie Chiles handled cases for Cosmo Kramer, in addition to the cast of Seinfeld on the final episode. Chiles loves a challenge including taking on Big Tobacco. Chiles is used to fighting for the little man against THE MAN. He'd be the perfect lead counsel for Full Tilt vs. the DOJ.
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3. Oscar Zeta Acosta (aka Dr. Gonzo)
Otherwise known as Hunter S. Thompson's attorney, Dr. Gonzo knows Las Vegas as well as any attorney. He's dove down the rabbit hole too many times to count, which means he brings an unorthodox and fresh angle to any case. He's defended plenty of dope fiends in the past and was rumored to have run guns in Mexico. Plus, you know he's holding some psychedelic goodies in his briefcase.
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4. Greg Raymer
Oh wait a second, that's a bad idea because Raymer works for those other guys. I doubt he'd be available to represent you, besides Fossilman's forte was patent law. You guys need a top notch criminal attorney and if that doesn't work, hire a facilitator or fixer. Or just write a check for $105 million. That seemed to work for Party Poker.
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5. Michael Craig
Shit, you guys already have Craig on your payroll as one of the highest paid bloggers on Earth. Time to tap his legal expertise. Many moons before Craig surfaced in the poker world, he was a mild-mannered attorney. I'm sure he can shake off the rust and bombard the DOJ with thousands and thousands of pages of paperwork, and at the worst, he'd keep them occupied reading about the time Ted Forrest lost the tip of his ring finger after a stabbing incident with a leper at a train station in India.
Best of luck, Full Tilt. Those sharks at the DOJ are the Phil Ivey of law enforcement. Don't fuck around and bring a knife to a gun fight.
Maybe you guys should throw a charity tournament for yourself with all proceeds donated to your legal defense fund?
P.S. Please introduce a Razz format to Rush Poker. I want to feel an extended burning sensation in my groin for prolonged periods of time.