Playa Conchal, Costa Rica
Real readers. Real questions.
I was going to leave this in the comments section of Waffles' recent blog post, but I figured that I would post it here. The information provided might be of help to some of you some day.
Dear Dr. Pauly,
I need your advice desperately. If I stay at the Hooters Hotel in Las Vegas will I have any of the following problems:
1. Catch weird disease from the sheets
2. Get eaten by mutant cockroaches
3. Get Shot to death in the parking lot
4. Get Gang raped by a bunch of tweakers
5. Anything my lilly white Ass would not like.
Any advice would be appreciated.
You Bestest Fan Ever,
And without further ado, here are my answers...
Thanks for taking the time out of busy schedule to write me. I'm pleased to hear that the Psychiatric Ward at St. Eligius allows in-patients unfettered access to email. By the way, if you can swipe any extra Klonapin or other anti-psychotic drugs for me I will be gratefully indebted to you. Those suckers sell at a premium in the parking lot of Phish concerts.
Anyway, I can tell by the tone of your email that you are concerned about many bad things happening to you in Las Vegas. Let me set the record straight... only bad things happen to bad people. Which is an Eastern way of saying, "You're totally fucked." Maybe you would rather spend the weekend at Foxwoods instead?
So let's start from the top with question #1 about staying at Hooters. You wrote, "Will I Catch weird disease from the sheets?"
Of course you will. Hooters is an off-the strip property which means they actually clean the sheets once a month. My advice is to sleep in your clothes. And never, for the love of god, never ever touch the bedspreads. That's where hookers fuck their johns and those NEVER GET WASHED.
Onto question #2. You wrote "Will I get eaten by mutant cockroaches?"
Vegas does not have mutant roaches. I'd be more worried about the mutant scorpions. They only attack smaller humans, so you're pretty much screwed.
Onto Question #3, "Will I get Shot to death in the parking lot?"
This has a 6% probability only because most of the gangs conduct drive-bys in North Las Vegas. They rarely target tourists on the Strip. However, you might want to purchase a side arm. If someone starts a ruckus, light 'em up.
Onto Question #4, "Will I get Gang raped by a bunch of tweakers?"
Tweakers don't gang rape. Addicts in the middle of hits of crystal meth are less interested in deviant sexual acts and more interested in finding a way to get more drugs. Tweakers might steal all of your clothes, but I'm pretty sure that you will not be violated as long as you comply with their wishes and hand over all of your drugs and money. Most of them will leave you alone. If you do get gang raped it will be by a gang of angry gangbangers because you said something completely retarded to them. Remember that Las Vegas is real life and nothing like the intertubes, blog posts, social media networks, or online poker chat boxes where you can act like a total jackoff and get away with it. In real life, no one likes an asshole. You will get beat down if you act like a punk.
And lastly, question #5, "Anything my lilly white Ass would not like?"
I don't think you will like the cowboys in town for the rodeo finals. There will be hundreds, if not thousands of them, roaming around like lost cattle. Cowboys don't like Northerners especially flaming liberals from Ted Kennedy's home state. Just tell them you're from Idaho and you'll fit in nicely.
I also think that you might be freaked out by the porn slappers on the Strip. Don't be intimated by the illegal Mexicans handing out business cards of prostitutes. They should be considered your friends and can totally introduce you to some nice women who like to eat Italian food, watch reality TV shows, and will do naughty things similar some of your favorite scenes from She Male Samba Mania Vol. 7. By the way, ask the local tranny prostitutes if you can get rake back. They'll give you a freebie if you find them steady work.
OK, I think that's it for now. Did I answer all of your questions properly? See you in Vegas.
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