Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Busto Bobby

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

Dear Bobby Bellande-

I hear that you are broke again. That's OK, it happens to everyone from one time or another. This is America, land of the bailout. Just have perseverance and you'll be back in the game before you know it.

In the meantime, here are eight viable suggestions on what you can do between now and the WSOP to build up a stake so you don't have to worry about paying off your backer during the series and you can focus on working off other debts...

* * * * *

1. Vote for DonkeyBomber in the TOC. If you don't know, former WSOP Player of the Year and two-time bracelet winner, Tom "DonkeyBomber" Schneider, is offering up pieces of himself -- provided that you can prove that you vote for him. Yes, he's selling votes!
You vote for me, Tom Schneider, and ONLY ME, and you will be part of the pool that will split half of what I win. First place pays $500,000. 50% of what I win will be split by people who have voted for me. If I win $500,000, $250,000 will be split by my voters. It's that simple, and if I get voted in, I will be competing against only 27 players.
Here's your chance -- help get him in by subcontracting the voting efforts to others. This has the potential to be extremely lucrative for you if you can get DonkeyBomber into the TOC and hope he cashes. It's free money, sort of like the Jesus Challenge.

2. Donate blood, sperm, kidneys, and any other superfluous body part. Organs are sought after these days, especially on the black market where you can easily get two or three Main Event buy-ins for a healthy kidney.

3. I know some old friends at Mitch and Murray's in Chicago. Have you ever sold real estate before? It's not very hard, you just have to be ruthless, pretend you know what you're talking about, and lie a lot. If you can so this, then my friends will hire you to pitch Glengarry Highlands to prospective buyers.

4. If you rather do something in the financial sector, I also have friends at a brokerage house called J.T. Marlin. They are printing money every single day. That's how sick their operation is. The only catch is that you have to work 18 hours a day, including Saturdays, and you must wear a suit and tie. Other than that, if you have no qualms about breaking SEC rules and scamming old ladies out of their retirement funds, then you'll fit right in.

5. America is a massive country and we rely upon the trucking industry to ship material goods that we're obsessed with buying. You can make all of the goods outside the country in Asia, but once they get here, you're gonna need someone to transport them. That's why truck driving is a lucrative business. Just ask Dennis Phillips. He owns the trucking company he used to work for. I can put in a good word for you if you want. Also, I know Bobby Boofay from his 24-hour truck driving school that will train you for next to nothing...

6. When in doubt, join the Australian army.

7. Everyone in America has at least one rabid Japanese fan club. Track yours down and get them to stake you into WSOP events. Heck, they might get you casted on your very own wacky and unpredictable game show. Have you seen Ninja Warrior?

8. All else fails... gay porn.

* * * * *

So, Bobby, I hope that some of these suggestions can help you get back on your feet. I would love to adopt you as Tao of Poker's favorite broke poker player, but Eskimo Clark currently holds that spot as our WSOP whipping boy.

Best of luck. Despite all of your unfortunate "run bad" juju in life, you always manage to get back in the game, like a cat with nine lives.

Good luck. Godspeed.

Yours in Christ,


  1. Bobby could also beg CBS to put him on a Survivor allstar show.

  2. bobby boofay5:12 AM

    Ya'll come on down to da trukin skool..i'se needun da dough :)

  3. Cougar1:02 PM

    Speaking of the Organ Black Market,  if you remove part of your liver it will grow back.  Regrowth would probably be complete by the time one were to get out of prison for selling their own organs illegally.  

    As a side note.... getting drunk in Mexican border towns is another way to give up a kidney. However, this is without financial gain and you may not even make it back.  I would call this the Organ Red Market.

  4. Why didn't you post some clips from your collection of gay porn movies? Was the content too raunchy for your audience or were you concerned about copy right violations and getting sued by a porn lawyer?

  5. Pauly7:53 PM

    I was waiting for you to submit your favorites, Adam.