Friday, April 06, 2007

Guest Post: Fatty McLiarson's Friday Thunder

Editor's Note: Time for another guest post while I'm taking a few days off from writing and blogging. Say hello to... Fatty McLiarson.

Friday Thunder by Fatty McLiarson

Dr. Pauly, everyone's favorite primary care physician is in Amsterdam on vacation, has kindly recruited me to bring the "Friday Thunder" here at the Tao of Poker. It's a deal that should result in an additive effect. Like that time in high school where I figured if two fingers was good, then four must be better. Only this will probably result in less blood and/or screaming.

Hi, I'm Dr. Pauly's Physician Assistant. You can call me Fatty McLiarson.

I live near Derek, hardly ever play poker, probably will never talk about poker, stand 6'2", sit about 3'7", stay away from the hard stuff but put down alcohol as if on some sort of mission, miss having Tang for breakfast, have never been to Bangladesh, needed spell check to spell Bangladesh for me, love pizza, hate shitty sitcoms, and have what you would call "strong" opinions on things.

I've known Pauly for many years, dating back to when he had a head of hair reminiscent of a young John Stamos. The deal is quite simple. I'm supposed to post something every other Friday at first, possibly moving to a weekly post sometime soon after. I post, he buys McDonalds. It's that simple. Double Cheeseburger meal, plain with extra cheese. Super-sized, because that's how I roll.

Speaking of super-sized things...

I have what you'd call, "a way with the ladies." It isn't so much any sort of theory on how to interact with women. No, it's more the fact that I'm not terrible looking and I have a large penis. Yep. As it turns out, bigger is better.

As a kid I remember going on some dates that were particularly painful to look back on. Being 16 or 17 years old with a hard-on that knows not the boner etiquette that a seasoned penis owner recognizes, means many an embarrassing evening. From a bumpy car ride with our chaperones, to an unfortunate incident involving Moon Pies, the young McLiarson was no stranger to the completely random appearance of his boner. Add to the mix a large and girth-tastic member and you've got a recipe for many a mortifying evening.

It was those times and recent dating disasters that led me to just cut right to the point and post this on Craigslist:
WANTED: Cavernous vagina for my enormous junk.

(Tiny vagina's need not appy! )

Do you find yourself bundling multiple tampons together with twine in a futile attempt to find something that fits? Were you laughing and joking with the nurses while painlessly giving birth? Have you ever lost anything in your tunnel of love? Well, if any of these scenarios leave you nodding your head in agreement, my penis might be for you! This month (and this month only) I'll be accepting applications for lucky Giganti-ginas (Medical term) which are in desperate need of junk that fits.

Qualifications? But of course.

My junk has been confirmed many times by smoking hot ladies as, "Huge!" My penis has seen action in some of the most alarming conditions known to man. In fact, the machete only exists because I once chatted up an entrepreneurial pharmacist on the subject of the best way to slay a seemingly impenetrable woman's bush. Applying the same principals that led him to design the tiny sword with which I hacked my way to Vaginaville that day, a larger scale version was produced to critical acclaim from drug lords everywhere! I've jarred things loose before. I drive a stretch limo because I'd risk shattering the windshield of a normal car if, for instance, a stretch of particularly bumpy road tricked my penis into thinking it was "Go Time!" I use empty Wonder Bread bags as condoms. I once found myself the unfortunate victim of a mugging. I didn't have any weapons, and when the mugger told me to give him everything I had in my pants, I pulled out the ol' Alabama blacksnake and clubbed him to death with it.

But enough about me.

Are you embarrassed by the constant echo's? During especially cold winter months do you offer homeless people a spot in your vagina to sleep for the night? Are you able to carry three watermelons out of a grocery store without any assistance?

Would you be willing to participate in a one person study involving my penis and your vagina?

If any of this sounds like music to your ears, and of course to your ginormous vagina, then email me. But hurry. My penis can't wait forever!
Related Link: Do You Have What It Takes?

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