Friday, May 19, 2006

Tao of Keno: The Answers

TripJax asked but I'm not one for structure. Here are my answers:

1. What is the biggest mistake people make at a NL Keno table?

Not playing enough cards.

2. Why do you play Keno?

Keno offers up everything that's great about America. For a very small investment, you can get lucky and without any skill or intelligence you can win millions of dollars and get your own reality TV series. In addition, I hate my country's leaders and rather sit on my ass and play online Keno to buck the system and screw Uncle Sam out of his potential tax revenue.

3. If you weren't playing Keno, what would you be doing?

I'd be trying to pick up pothead sorority girls off of MySpace by playing Satellite by the Dave Matthews Band on guitar for them in Central Park.

4. What is your favorite Keno book and why?

Play Keno Like the Pros by my good buddy and professional Keno player Neil Fontenot. Neil is nihilist. He believes in nothing. That's why he plays all the numbers. His Top 10 Keno numbers should be memorized by anyone who wants to become a better Keno player. My other favorite Keno book is the Theory of Keno by David Sklansky.

6. Who is your favorite Keno player and why?

Without a doubt my buddy Neil. He's the most successful Keno pro that I know. He's not a degenerate and fuck up like the average Keno pro. He's got his shit together. He's engaged to a JC Penny model. They live in a two bedroom starter house in Glendale, but he just purchased a jetski. He's also using his earnings on the World Keno Tour to buy a new condo in Del Bocca Vista in Florida.

7. Which Keno player do you dislike the most and why?

That dumbass Dutch Boyd. I hate it when he does tricks with Keno crayons. So rude.

8. Do your coworkers know about your blog?

Hell no. They'd never let me hang out with them. Admitting that you are a blogger is the most embarrassing thing you can tell someone you have to see five days a week. Seriously, the next time you meet a hot chick (or guy or donkey) in a bar, the first thing out of your mouth is NOT going to be, "I spend all of my free time blogging about my hobby and playing online in my underwear with my malcontent online friends." The only thing more embarrassing is having a MySpace account.

9. What is the most you have won in a KENO cash game or tournament (both live and online)?

I won $420 once when I went for Abdul's bunching strategy and took four numbers close together.

10. What is the most you have lost in a Keno cash game or in one day total (both live and online)?

I lost my dignity online during a dark night when I spiraled to that evil and hellacious place that we don't like to talk about. That's the tipping point where you take one of three paths...
1. You go suicidal and kill yourself.
2. You go pyschopathic and kill other people, then yourself.
3. You get your shit together and finally realize that the fat fuck Buddha was right all these years... that life is all about suffering. So suck it up. Smoke a joint. Fuck a stranger. And stop taking yourself so seriously.

11. Who was your first Keno blog read?

I found Guinness and Keno and was hooked ever since. Iggy would get drunk and repost excerpts from hilarious Keno trip reports on RGK. I also found the Keno Grub at the same time. Grubby got me hooked on online Keno. He'd show me how to Keno-whore in Las Vegas and get free stuff like windbreakers and tickets to see Kool & the Gang at the Klondike. One of the first blogs I read was Professional Keno Player Chris Halverson. My favorite all time is The Crayon Speaks. HDouble's musings are sensational. His series "HDouble and Keno at the Movies" is some of the best writing you'll find on the internet. My favorite post all time is Brokeback Mountain and Keno: Why Vaseline Is Your Friend.

13. Why do you blog about Keno?

I read on 2+2 that if you have a popular Keno blog, then hot and horny women come out of the wood work to have sex with you and give you blowjobs in the Bellagio's parking deck. Because you know, there's some really intelligent and super hot Brazilian lingerie model out there who's addicted to online Keno and loves my Keno blog. She's been reading me for three years and holding back her infatuated crush that have bubbled over into a sea of volcanic lust that is ready to burst after she stalks me at the World Series of Keno. Plus, If you have a popular Keno blog, online Keno sites pay you ten dollars a month to put up their banners and shill their sites. I also heard that Keno tournament writers make $17,000 a year! If I did that for a living, then I can quit my job writing about poker and make a real living. I won't have to stay at the Castle anymore. I'll be able to afford the Luxor.

14. Do you read blogs from an RSS reader like bloglines or do you visit each blog?

I have all 347 Keno blogs on Bloglines. And I skim them all except SirFKenoman. I re-read his post at least three times a day. When I try to pick up old hookers in poorly lit casino bars in Atlantic City, I often quote stuff I read from my fellow Keno bloggers.

15. Would you rather play Keno for a living than do what you currently do for a living?

Yeah. I think if I work hard enough, I can become a world class Keno player, like my buddy Neil Fontenot. He used to work at Dairy Queen and drove a Geo Metro. He had a pregnant girlfriend, who already had two kids from two previous marriages. Now he's got a Ford Tarus and he broke up with the pregnant chick. Now he's going to marry a model and recently signed an four figure endorsement deal with Crayola. He's the new spokesman for Crayola the official Keno crayon on the World Keno Tour.

16. Do you wear a tin foil hat on occasion?

No. But I wrap my penis in foil because I heard that's what Bobby Bracelet, the 23rd Greatest Keno Player in the World does for good luck.

17. If you had to pin it down to one specific trait, what does a great Keno player have (or do) that separates them from an average player?

Balls. A pair of testicles. Enough guts to say, "Fuck it. Working at Dairy Queen is for sheep. And sheep get slaughtered. I'm good enough to be a professional Keno player. All I have to do is read every Keno book, watch Keno on TV, and play forty Keno cards at once. Then I'll win the World Series of Keno and go on the Jimmy Kimmel show. Then and only then will all the guys who hang out on the Keno message boards will respect me and stop sending me soiled condoms in the mail."

18. Is Drizz the coolest person on the planet for naming his baby Vegas?

The Keno Nerd is cooler for naming his new kid Keno.

19. What is your primary Keno goal and are you close to accomplishing it?

To get invited to the Playboy Mansion and sell my screenplay. It's not just about Keno, it's about life and the frailty of friendships. An up and coming Keno player loses all his money to an Albanian Mafia boss in an underground Keno club in Hilljack, Indiana, then solves an enigmatic riddle to discover that it leads to a trail of clues hidden in the works of Andy Wharhol, clues visible for all to see, and yet ingeniously disguised by the painter. I don't want to ruin it for you, but Lou Reed is really Jesus' kid. He speaks the truth in the Velvet Underground's song Heroin:
I don't know just where I'm going
But I'm gonna try for the kingdom, if I can
'Cause it makes me feel like I'm a man
When I put a spike into my vein
And I'll tell ya, things aren't quite the same
When I'm rushing on my run
And I feel just like Jesus' son

20. What is your primary online site and why?

The fish play on Party Keno so that's where I play. I also shill for a few other sites. I earned enough points to get a free oil change at Jiffy Lube. I gave it to my ex-girlfriend for Valentine's Day. I also like playing online at Keno Stars because former child actor Claire Danes hosts weekly tournaments called My So Called Keno.

21. What site do you dislike and why?

I hate Noble Keno and Titan Keno. The worst software in the industry. I should be shot for shilling for them, but I was running bad at Keno that month and was starving. They offered me $25 and a pecan roll.

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