Monday, May 22, 2006

Bloggers on TV and Gapped Toothed Hookers

My Type A personality sinks to a B- whenever I'm on the West Coast for more than two days. I kept putting off writing two freelance articles and found myself having to crank them out in less than 30 hours. I had to write a concert review of Friday night's Knit Ball for a German music magazine. Knit Ball was one of the best parties I've ever been to in Hollyweird, featuring two of my favorite bands Lotus and Particle in an event that the promoters described as "A mix of '70s space rock ala Pink Floyd, the swinging wah wah sass of a '70s porno soundtrack, and the speed, grandeur, inspired soloing and dexterity of '70s fusion." Along with my tournament column at Poker Pro Magazine, I had about 2000 words to write by Monday at 6am and I was unmotivated. The sun, smog, music, and medicinal marijuana tweaked my brain.

On Saturday afternoon, I sat at Change100's dining room table desperately trying to write about the Mirage Poker Showdown when my cell phone rang.

"Dude, are you in front of a TV?" Derek said without saying hello.

My initial thought was "What the fuck just blew up?"

"Put on the Game Show Network. Joe Speaker is on."

Derek was right. I flipped on GSN and Joe Speaker's episode of Greed was being aired. It was awesome to see Mr. Speaker on the boob tube. He was even dressed better than host Chuck Woolery.

"He looks so young!" commented Change100.

The other night I caught an old episode of The Weakest Link featuring Star Trek actors including Wil Wheaton. The chick host was tooling on Wil for only having one "L" in his name. I was waiting for him to ask her to remove the trout out of her twat that John Bonham shoved up there in a drunken stupor back in 1969.

I've been begging, tricking, and prop betting my way to get Change100 to show me episodes of the TV show she worked on as a former child actor. No such luck.

* * * * *

partypokerad.gifI dropped about $150 playing 5-10 on Party Poker this weekend. I made a call that makes me a 10 on the Fish Scale. With four aces on a board, I called a river bet with Queen high. I raised preflop with Q-9o on the button. Daddy calls Q-9 the "Gapped Toothed Hooker." The BB called and three aces flopped. We checked the flop and the turn. The case ace fell on the river and he bet out. I called. He had a King and I got properly fucked by The Gapped Toothed Hooker.

I watched the final episode of the Heads-Up Championship. Gabe Kaplan is hilarious. I almost pissed my pants when he made the Linda Tripp joke. The first televised poker I ever saw was almost ten years ago on ESPN2 at 4am. I was sitting on Senor's couch in Murray Hill and we were coming down after a night of partying with liquid sunshine. His roommate's girlfriend (who's now a suburban soccer mom) had too much to drink. She was passed out and rolled up in the fetal position on the floor of the bathroom. We couldn't find anything to watch when we stumbled upon televised poker. Kaplan hosted an old WSOP main event (I'm not 100% positive but it might have been the year that Stu Ungar won) and we thought it was the strangest thing in the world to see a poker tournament on ESPN.

I was bummed out that ESPN replaced Kaplan. The last WSOP that Kaplan announced was the year that Robert Fishkonyi won. For the past three years, I had to listen to those other two douchebags. OK, that's harsh. One douchebag and one stiff. I never met Lon but talking to a doorknob seems more exciting. Norman Chad was a complete dick to me at last year's WSOP. Gabe Kaplan never would have barked, "Get the fuck out of my way!!"

If I could have my dream poker broadcasting team, it would be Gabe Kaplan and Otis.

* * * * *

By the way, my buddy Senor wants to name his son Kain. I'd take a bullet for Senor. I'd donate a kidney to him if I had to. And I wouldn't be a good friend if I allowed him to ruin his son's life by giving him an awful name of negative biblical proportions. It's the only name that he and his Thai wife agree on. If he names him Kain, I'll refuse to call him that. Since he's Senor's second kid, I'll be calling him "Dos."

Do you have any name suggestions? I'll send them to Senor.

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