Phil Hellmuth and Tony G - White Man's Burden

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

Tony G and Phil Hellmuth both remind me of a clever, yet sullen poem from Rudyard Kipling...

Take up the White Man's burden—
Send forth the best ye breed—
Go, bind your sons to exile
To serve your captives' need;
To wait, in heavy harness,
On fluttered folk and wild—
Your new-caught sullen peoples,
Half devil and half child.

The dramatic last line stands out. Half devil. Half child. Draw your own vigorous conclusions.

Last week or so, The G penned an ornate rant on his blog, where he attempted to goad Phil Hellmuth with a a flurry of back-handed compliments. I love The G because he's affable, yet fearless and has no qualms about walking up to a bee hive and calmly kicking it over. Check out... Tony G's Open Letter to Phil Hellmuth.

I found it funny when Roland and Daniel gave you a retirement card at the Premier League and nothing satisfies me more than making you cry and wail. I will send you back to Madison, or Russia – or wherever... More

Let's be honest here... The G has admittedly acted like a flatulent jagoff on many occasions. His relentless verbal thrashing of Ralph Perry is both cringe-worthy and outright hilarious. I have one of those brute videos marked as a favorite on YouTube. I heard that CIA interrogators utilize similar tactics when acquainting themselves with suspected terrorists in Gitmo.

I can't recall how many times I've heard friends launch into a ludicrous Tony G impersonation and infecting an entire room with rambunctious laughter with the infamous "get on your bike" speech. Ironically, no one imitates Phil Hellmuth or delivers a Hellmuthesque soliloquy on his opponents' inability to spell words pedestrian like P-O-K-E-R.

Anyway, Hellmuth advanced to the WPT final table at the Bay 101 Shooting Star last week, but he fizzled out and got busted in 6th place. The morning of that final table, The G had a few supercilious things to say about the positive developments in Hellmuth's game...

By making the final table at this WPT event you have proved you are great Phil. You have been running worse than you could possibly run and this final table is the start of a mega, mega comeback.

It’s clear to me that the younger players are making a huge amount of ground but you are a real legend in my book. I hope this final table doesn’t leave lasting psychological damage – you are on your way back. Trust me when Tony G says this... More

The G taunted Hellmuth at a vulnerable moment, hoping to draw a reaction, which is not a bad thing because I would love to see those villains go at it in an old fashioned arm wrestling match like in the Sly Stallone flick Over the Top. I posed the question about a potential tete-a-tete to The G.

Pauly: If you were to get into an arm wrestling match with Phil Hellmuth, we all know you will win -- but how long do you think it would take for you to beat Hellmuth? (15 seconds? 3 minutes?) I’m curious. Thanks.

The G was quick to answer...

10 seconds max and bring it on I say. I am worried about Phil’s mental strength but I will not be so forgiving with physical power. Let’s get it on Phil – how much do you want to play for? I have been working out a lot recently and looking after my health. Feel my power baby – I will take everything!

My grandiose idea of an arm wrestling extravaganza flew right out the friggin' window because The G was obviously blessed by the gods with superhuman strength and could crush Hellmuth's hands, fingers, and snap off his wrist. Hellmuth obviously ducked The G... at that moment.

Because poker is not regulated and the major tournament circuits do not test players for narcotics or performance enhancing drugs, Hellmuth resorted to injecting himself with nandrolone, HGH, HBT, synthetic hemoglobin, and some sort of protein extracted from Rhinoceros semen. Within a few weeks, Hellmuth pumped himself up and has been training with a couple of MMA fighters for an impending cage fight with The G.

The cage match is being set up somewhere in Costa Rica. One of my colleagues who works in one of the sports books down in San Jose tipped me off to the match where the rules are simple; each combatant is allow to take one item inside the cage that would normally be found in a kitchen with the exception of utensils such as forks and knives. The G is taking cast-iron skillet in order to inflict heavy damage to Hellmuth's juiced up square-jaw and humongous head. No word on what Hellmuth is taking, but he's rumored to be sneaking a Slap Chop into the ring.

What the fuck is a Slap Chop? Here's a version of the infamous commercial...


I'm sure you've seen the infomercials for the Slap Chop at 3am when you're at the tail end of your online poker session. Anyway, Hellmuth intends on inserting The G's fingers and toes into the Slap Chop -- one by one. Who wants to see The G's minced finger tips?

Not to be outdone, The G hired Mike Tyson to help him train. We all know that The G is from the streets, but Tyson is well versed in prison-brawling (from his short stint inside the joint) and street-fighting from back in his Brooklyn Bed-Stuy days. Plus, Tyson is a habitual biter and he's teaching The G all sorts of advanced biting techniques.

Stay tuned for more details on this impending battle of the half devil and the half child.