Beef Jerky and the WSOP

By Pauly
Malibu, CA

I'm interrupting my vacation on Zuma Beach to address a bit of breaking news in the poker world. Apparently, the WSOP has a new sponsor. Milwaukee's Beast is no longer the big dog in Las Vegas. Those swill merchants are still a sponsor as the WSOP's official adult beverage, however, Jack Link's, a Wisconsin-based company best known for their beef jerky production, has snagged top billing. Jack Link's is the now the biggest swinging dick at the Rio.

Welcome to the 40th annual World Series of Poker presented by... Jack Link's Beef Jerky.

Are you fuckin' kidding me?

I thought that the Beast was bad, but at least the Beast was a beer. But hey, on the good side, this company pimps "steak nuggets." According to their LinkedIn Profile...

Link Snacks, Inc. distributes and markets meat products. The company offers steak nuggets, beef steaks and sticks, and deli and tender cuts. It markets its products under Deli Cuts, X-Sticks, and Lil Chub brand names. Link Snacks, Inc. was founded in 1985 and is headquartered in Minong, Wisconsin.

I went to the Jack Link's website and they have Chaka from Land of the Lost pimping their jerky. How bad can that be?

Sadly, the Beast Lounge is no longer and will be replaced by the Wild Card Cafe where you will be able to sample many different beef sticks during the WSOP. What can be better in life than poker and beef sticks?

Nothing.

At first, I thought that the union of beef jerky and the most prestigious event in poker was pathetic. I had not seen a sponsorship deal that shitty since Coach Buttermaker whiffed in a half-baked attempt to secure the Bears sponsorship in the 1976 North Valley Little League season. The washed-up former baseball pro turned alkie pool cleaner somehow convinced Chico Esquandoles from Chico's Bail Bonds to sponsor the little league team made up of misfits.




However, the global economy is in the shitter and the casinos in Las Vegas have been taking it on the chin. The fact that anyone wanted to sponsor the WSOP during a financial meltdown is a sincere blessing. Manna from the heavens. Well, let me correct that... beef sticks from the heavens.

God bless Ty Stewart for saving the WSOP. I mean, this guy should get Salesman of the Century Award for finding someone stupid enough to shell out millions of dollars to sponsor a stagnant product in an industry with a murky future.

Pope Benedict should make Ty a saint for providing the WSOP a secure financial future and also giving me and the rest of the derelicts in the poker media an endless amount of material to work with this year. As one of my Canadian colleagues noted, "Premium meat snacks at this year's WSOP. The jokes, they write themselves."

I haven't seen a deal that bad since the Ruskies signed away Alaska in 1867 to Secretary of State William Seward for $7.2 million. If that Seward's deal never happened, Sarah Palin would be speaking Russian.

Anyway, I want to know... will Jack Link's be sending out a team of scantily clad models to hand out Lil Chub samples? Nothing gets me more excited than models fondling beef jerky. Hey, maybe they're onto something? Hmmmm....

Come to Las Vegas... home of the WSOP, cheap beer, the Hooker Bar, and now... beef jerky.


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