The Vicodin Diaries, Vol. 2: It's a Tough Job, But Someone's Gotta Do It

By Pauly
Mar del Plata, Argentina

Covering poker tournaments in foreign lands can be quite problematic. Take for example the early obstacles that I had to overcome in order to reach this lovely beach resort on the coast of Argentina. It took almost 24 hours to travel from the slums of Beverly Hills across the equator to Mar Del Plata on a journey that included two taxis, three different flights (each one delayed), five different airports (including two in Buenos Aires) and a shuttle branded in PokerStars just to arrive at my intended destination.

I was lucky. I didn't have to ride a bus from BA to MDP for 5.5 hours. And unlike a couple of my colleagues at Poker News, my luggage arrived safely. I'm a veteran and always carry-on my gear whenever possible. Unfortunately, the wizards at Delta Airlines lost Melissa and Randy's luggage. Melissa was the on air talent and did not have any clothes. Randy? His video equipment and cameras were also lost. They showed up at the Casio de Central in odd-colored fluorescent t-shirts purchased from a local souvenir shop. Reminded me of that scene in Pulp Fiction.

Then there was the mix up with the credentials. When I showed up at the media check in ready to pick up my press pass on Wednesday afternoon, the woman in charge said in broken English... "What is this Poker News? Is it online site?"

Are you fuckin' kidding me? How can you legitimately work in the poker industry and not know what Poker News is? They have a Spanish version of the site in addition to translations into over a dozen languages. I saved her life and withheld the information from Tony G. Otherwise, she'd be sleeping with the fishes.

I asked her to check her list again. She blew me off and went to talk to her friends instead of trying to sort out the mix. I assumed that she purposely blew me off because I'm an American. After whiffing a third time to secure a badge on Wednesday, I contacted a couple of higher ups in the organization for assistance. They were more than willing to help out.

My crew did not officially get credentials until mid-way through Level 3 on Day 1a of the PokerStars.net LAPT Mar del Plata. Better late than never, right? Oh and for the record, I never got my creds despite applying online two weeks ago and filling out paperwork four different times inside of a 18 hour period. I simply gave up and used my old credentials from the LAPT Mexico. I have so many badges from previous assignments that I don't know what to do with them. I tried not to take it as a sign of disrespect, just incompetence. There's a lot of that going around in the poker industry. Par for the course.

Adapt and overcome. That's why I get paid a paycheck to fly all over the world and tackle on difficult assignments. And sometimes there are surreal moments like Boris Becker wandering over and asking me, "Where's the toilet?"

And then things got really difficult when the models sat down at the tables. South American models playing poker? Yes. It was a horrendous task to undertake but I rolled up my sleeves and accepted the assignment even though I knew it might kill me. and by killing me, I mean the tiny daggers that shot out of my girlfriend's eyes as a stalagmite of drool encrusted off my chin.

Sometimes, you have to make sacrifices.

I noticed that South American models have a penchant for not wearing under garments. That included bras and underwear. There were a couple of Brazilian models/actresses (Vanessa Machado and Angelita Feijo) and an Argentinian model/actress who was not even the best looking model in her family. Geraldine Neumann was Jan Brady to Marcia Brady and her older sister Nicole Neumann.

A quick scan of Google images nearly gave me a heart attack and a hard on. Like this extremely NSFW image of Aneglita. I'm gonna submit that to GuessHerMuff.


Vanessa


Angelita


Geraldine
Yes, those women played in the LAPT. Why the hell are you wasting your money on the WSOP, when you can head down to South America and snort the best drugs in the world*** and play poker with women that have a shot at appearing on Wicked Chops Poker's Friday parting shot?

You can imagine the pain and misery that went through our entire bodies as we had to type up their tournament obituaries. One by one the models slowly disappeared after their eliminations. First to go was Geraldine. And a little piece of me died when the blonde vixen sauntered to the rail. Next up was Angelita. I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Just when we thought we saw the last of Angelita, she re-appeared. What do Brazilian models do after they bust out of the LAPT? They head to the bar and return with draft beers for their other model friends and sweat them. The security guards held back the surging crowd on the rail, but they allowed Angelita to stand behind Vanessa as she continued to play.

And then... Vanessa became a casualty. She busted out and MeanGene was in near tears. I had to pop a couple of Vicodin just to calm myself down from the utter misery.

Day 1A came to a close and not one single model advance to Day 2. Alas, Day 1B is on Friday and we're hoping that more leggy and top-heavy models are in the field.

*** Disclaimer: Cocaine is a dangerous narcotic and should only be taken under the supervision of a physician. Readers are advised that the Tao of Poker does not purport to tell or suggest that readers snort white powdery substances that are sold to them on street corners from guys in soccer jerseys with messenger bags. Tao of Poker will not be liable for any loss or damage caused by robberies from said cocaine merchants. Readers are solely responsible for their own incarceration, legal fees, and bribes to local officials.

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