Tao of Poker

LLT and Gracie Wins the Spice Girls Essasy Contest

Thanks for everyone who particpated in the first ever Tao of Poker Essay Contest. There were some great submissions and my lovely assistant Jessica and I had a lot of fun reading them all. We had a tough time figuring out who was the best. We narrowed it down to three choices:

Gracie's If I Were a Spice Girl
Change100's Which Do You Wannabe?
Iakaris' In late, but hopefully In Time

In the end, Gracie's essay stood out from the rest of the pack. She won first place and will get $25 and her essay will be published in the November issue of Truckin'. Here's her winning piece:

If I Were a Spice Girl by Gracie

"Dear God, you made many, many poor people.
I realize, of course, that it's no shame to be poor.
But it's no great honor either!
So, what would have been so terrible if I had a small fortune?"
- Zero Mostel, If I Were a Rich Man

If I were a spice girl,
ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd shake me little bum.
If I were a wee spice girl.

I wouldn't have to work hard.
I'd get my agent to sign a leedle weedle wee contract.
If I had a record company,
They could sign me up-a real-a quick.

I'd build a big story 'bout myself getting hit by
a taxi driving Miss Posh Spice.
A fine tale that will get media going
that will create grand gossip just going up,
and one reputation coming down.
With all those poor girls going nowhere, oh so fast.

I'd fill my yard with Posh and Ginger, and Scary,
and Baby for the world to see and hear.
Squawking Brit Pop as shrilly as they can.
And each loud, "I'll tell ya!" "What I want!" "What I really!" "Really want!"
would land like a trumpet on the ear,
as if to say, "Here lives the wee Spice Girls!"

Oy.

If I were a Spice Girl,
ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd shake me little bum.
If I were smarter than those girls.

A modicum of talent.
Instead I'd make my very own small record company.
If I were a little clever, yes,
I'd show them all what could I really do.

I see my life, my fame, looking like a rich man's life
without scandal from within.
Supervising press unlike a soccer wife.
I see them putting on airs and strutting like a peacock
posing for some nudie magazine.
Posh and Ginger, Scary, Baby, yay not me!

The most important men in town would come to fawn on me!
They would ask me to fellate them,
as if I were Ginger Spice.
"If you please, Mel C...
"Pardon me, Mel C..."
Suggesting favors that would cross a Spice Girl's eyes!
And it won't make one bit of difference if I answer yes or no.
When you're rich, they think you'll swallow!

If I were rich, I'd have the time that I lack
to create and run Red Girl Records.
And maybe even release "Beautiful Intentions".
And I'd discuss the "Next Best Superstar" for several hours every day.
That would be the sweetest thing of all.

If I were a Spice Girl,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd shake me little bum.
If I were a wealthy girl.

I'd kinda have to work hard.
Cause the leedle weedle, other girlies are so fucking dumb.
Lord who made the media machine
you decreed what it is I should become.
Would it spoil some vast eternal plan
if Sporty were the one who has the fun

There was a tie for second place, so that means Daddy will be calling both Change100 and Iakaris sometime in the upcoming months, when Daddy will recite a Bible passage or read excerpts from my novel Jack Tripper Stole My Dog.

I was surprised to discover that so many of you wanted to be Sporty Spice. I guess it's the typical male fantasy of being a lesbian so you get to make out with other chicks.

Thanks again to everyone who submitted something. Here were some of the best of the best... Gracie, Iakaris, Change100, Daddy, TripJax, Bobby Bracelet, Donkey Puncher, SirWaffle, Chilly, Sit On Your Head, Joepro, Nick the Prophecy, Kajagugu, Dr. Chako, and Doog.

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I didn't forget that it was Liz Lieu Tuesdays! I know it's a repeat, but here's one of my favorite pics of Liz lounging at the pool.