Tao of Poker

Paradise Lost and Gracie Shines: WPBT WSOP Satellite #1

"I had a great evening; it was like the Nuremberg Trials." - Woody Allen, Hannah and Her Sisters

Thanks to Iggy who set up the first WPBT WSOP event on Paradise Poker that featured 69 of your favorite bloggers. First place would win a seat to any $1500 WSOP event and places 2-4 would win some prize money. Congrats to Gracie who won it all. She's gonna be playing in the WSOP! It figures that a blogger hopped up on Nyquil and horse tranquilizers would end up winning the first WSOP satellite. I can't think of a cooler and finer representative of the bloggers than Gracie. Congrats again.

I was gunning to play in my third ever WSOP event by winning my seat via a blogger satellite. My day had started out bad and got worse on the gambling side of things. I lost a buy-in on Poker Stars and then lost two big bets on the March Madness games to slide to over $1K in losses during four-day massacre. I hoped that my luck would improve at the tournament tables. Of course, the gambling Gods were sending me a very clear message:

Stop gambling, you stupid fuck!

I had Donkey Puncher, Columbo, Joanne, Daddy, Crheada, SloeJax, TripJax, and StatikKling at my starting table. Linda from Poker Works, Vegaas, and Joe Speaker were all moved to my table before I busted out. Daddy kept everyone entertained with tables involving strawberries and licking out Jessica Alba's anal region. I played some Traffic and Widespread Panic in the background and ate a slice of crumb cake while I proudly wore my Snail Trax t-shirt.

At the first break Derek had chips and was in 16th place. Change100 went on a tear and busted Helixx KK to QQ and then busted the Rooster after she flopped a set. Derek got moved to Change100's table which included HDouble, Otis, DoubleAs, BadBlood, EasyCure, Drizz, Ephro, and ScurvyDog. Talk about a tough table! Derek would be short stacked late and he hung on to finish in 13th place.

Nothing of significance to report about my results aside from two bad beats. I hate blogging about bad beats, but here I am complaining that I never should have slowplayed pokcet aces. That was my first mistake. I found A-A UTG on the first hand back from the first break and I limped in. Everyone folded to the blinds who also limped. I ran into the dreaded big blind special and I promptly lost the majority of my stack. I also found A-A on the first hand of the tournament and another time just before I was busted. Both instances, they got no action. The one time I limped with A-A, I got fist fucked.

I hung on for 50 more minutes as the short stack until I made a move with T1500 and blinds at 150/75. I moved all in with K-Q. Sloejack called me with KQs, both diamonds. Instead of chopping the blinds, he flopped three diamonds and I was bounced in 47th place.

Geez that was fun, right?

I decided to listen to the message from the other world and ceased all gambling activities. I'll spend the remainder of the night masturbating to Swedish girls kissing and reading old Woody Allen scripts hoping to snag a few traits from his well-developed characters.

With that said, I'll leave you with one my favorite lines from Annie Hall:

"I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable."