"Who's the fucking nihilist here?! What are you, a bunch of fuckin' crybabies?" - Walter Sobchak, The Big LebowskiAn hour ago I got nailed by a L.A. motorcycle cop for jaywalking. He gave me a ticket. Change100 got one too. She was super pissed and went on ticket tilt. She doesn't deal with law enforcement types too well. Here's what went down... We were going to walk to the diner two blocks away. As soon as Change100 stepped outside her apartment she said, "It's too cold. Let's drive."
It was 58 degrees.
That's freezing by LA standards. Bastards. Alas, we drove and found parking on the opposite side of Pico Blvd. We jaywalked to the other side and as soon as we reached the sidewalk, a motorcycle cop drove up and told us to stop.
"Can I see some identification," he said as he took off his mirrored sunglasses at 8:10pm. "And sir, your zipper is down."
He pointed to my crotch. He was correct. My fly was down. The pair of jeans I wore had a zipper flaw. I liked them too much to throw them out, so I accepted the fact that my zipper would be down a majority of the time.
Change100 launched into a rant and I gave her a look like, "Calm down."
She was so angry she couldn't look at the cop. She turned her back as he slowly wrote us out citations.
"Ma'am," he said to Change100, "200 pedestrians die on Pico Blvd. every year. And over a thousand go to the hospital. You have to cross at designated cross walks."
I heard her mutter "Total bullshit," as she signed the ticket.
When the cop asked me to sign I asked, "No slack for tourists?"
"Nope. Same thing I told her. Do you want me to repeat my speech?"
I signed my name and put a smiley face next to it. That was my first autograph since I arrived in LA.
The cop who pinched us had an Irish last name. If that went down in NYC, the cop would have let my McCatholic ass off with a warning. Wait.... NYC cops are too busy chasing after terrorists to give pedestrian tickets for jaywalking. You would think that an internet celebrity like myself would be able to get off with a warning... but in LA the cops love arresting celebrities, especially ones that try to pick up tranny hookers on Sunset Blvd.
Change100 stormed off towards the diner. She flung the doors open and sat down in a booth. She slammed her fists on the table and screamed, "I'm too angry to even talk about this."
Her tilt lasted about ten minutes. Take a peek of her account of the events. Here's what she had to say:
"I couldn't fucking believe it. Do I have like, some fucking overdraft on my karmic account? Isn't getting unceremoniously sacked from my job bad enough for one month? And now this fucking bullshit. Fucking JAYWALKING! IN LA!! Unbelievable. I was steaming so hard I couldn't even LOOK at the douchebag fuckface cop as he scribbled away on his little cop notepad so I turned and leaned against a parking meter, facing the complete opposite direction. My blood pressure rose and my heart pounded as I tried to keep myself from screaming obscenities and finding the closest sharp object available and stabbing him in the testicles. Fucking cops."The most fucked up thing about the situation... the same cop who gave us jaywalking tickets had just eaten at the diner. The owner's daughter said she gave the cop 50% off his tab too.
I kept laughing the entire time at the diner, while Change100 steamed over it during our meal. I was supposed to leave California today and fly back to NYC. I decided to stick around for two more days to play poker, take photos, and work on a freelance assignment.
I guess I could be upset about the situation. The way I see it, after all the debauchery I endured in L.A., jaywalking was by far the least illegal thing I did within the city limits. I avoided a feline homicide charge and I'm more than thrilled to be able to leave this town without a venereal disease or a B class felony.
I found myself at the brink of degeneracy in media row after partaking in nonstop prop bets with BJ during the LA Poker Classic and the WPT Invitational. BJ finally settled the score after a horrendous 2005 WSOP where he didn't win one pop bet during the first month. BJ finally came through when he picked Doyle Brunson on the night he picked up his 10th WSOP bracelet. He even got Texas Dolly to sign the $1 bill that he won from me. I took it on the chin in a few prop bets last week, especially the last one we did. I picked Jesse Jones a last longer against BJ's pick Allen Kessler and promptly lost.
Spaceman and I were doing prop bets involving my ringing cell phone. Before I'd answer it, I'd let him pick the sex of the caller... male or female. He ended up coming out on top overall in those wagers. "Easiest money I made in a long time," boasted Spaceman.
The biggest win I had in the past few weeks was Wil Wheaton lasting longer than Gus Hansen at the WPT Invitational. The Norwegians Nihilists gave me 6-1 odds as they went with a fellow Scandi. I had faith in Wheaton and he proved that he was prop-bet worthy. With that clutch win, I nearly wiped out my entire Torino Olympics loses.
I came out ahead in a prop bet involving overall medals. The Americans edged out the Norwegians 25-19 in medals and my reputation has been salvaged for now. I am no longer a laughing stock in Norway.
On Monday, I played a tourney on Full Tilt with Nickerson. We had a last longer. If I won, he had to buy me In & Out Burger. If he won, I had to babysit his kids. Just kidding... he wanted In & Out Burger too. Although, I just pitched a screenplay to Revolution Films called "Daddy Daycare 2" which stars Daddy (playing himself) as a former washed up baseball player who opened up day care business out of his house. Hijinks ensue. I have to cut out the donkey scene if I want the film to have a PG-13 rating.
Over the weekend, I played Change100 a series of heads up matches. We'd play for various things including who picked up the tab for lunch or dinner. I lost a best-of-three series. She flopped the nuts on one hand and I walked right into it, trying to bluff-steal on the turn with 9-7o. I didn't mind losing dinner bets because I won the big one where she had to reveal what TV show she appeared on in the 1990s. Our favorite junkgrabber and jaywalker has a dirty secret.... she used to be a former child actor before she became a Hollyweird film exec.
We also did various Roshambo for things like lunch tabs and who had to drive. She claimed that she knew how to get inside my head. But she was wrong because I used the Annie Duke method of randomization for my Roshambo tosses. That way I can't go on tilt. I might have to change that up because it's not working.
Change100 and I had a few props regarding Joe Speaker's first marriage. We did not know any of the details and we wagered on the length of his first union. We also had a bet on how many years were in between his first and second marriage. We ended up chopping. I guessed right that the time in between marriages was longer than 4 years. And Change100 won the length of the first marriage. She had the under which was set at 30 months. We're awful and should be shot. At least we had a fun time drinking with Joe Speaker and his cousin at 14 Below in Santa Moncia. We endured a horrible Journey cover band with the lead singer who reminded me of Roseanne Barr on trucker's speed.
Last month, I made a prop bet with Change100 over whether or not her actor roommate Showcase would get a blowjob or not. You see, he met a nice Jewish girl through J-Date. He was on the verge of his second date and Change100 was convinced that the chemistry was not there. I had faith in him and bet that he would close the deal and end date two with a beejer. I was wrong. He didn't close the deal and I lost.
Showcase met a woman Sunday night during dinner. I'll be writing up the encounter over at Tao of Pauly. Take a peek at LA Stories: Getting Showcase Laid. Anyway, Change100 and I had random props over whether he was going to have sex with the drunk girl (I lost) or whether she was going to leave before sun up or spend the night. She left before sunrise. We also had a bet on the O/U on how many text messgaes/voicemail she'd leave for Showcase throughout the day.
Oh and the psycho chick that Showcase bedded, she sent him 12 text messages within 30 hours of their sexual encounter. Yikes.
Before I go, I'll mention some random poker news. I'm going to end the month of February up playing poker! My current winning streak ended the slide of three consecutive losing months. That's enough to put me in a very good mood. Plus I went up to Zuma Beach in Malibu on Tuesday afternoon and took a sassy photograph of the sunset (see above photo). I'll post more later.
Corrupt cops, pothead actors, dead cats, prop bets, and smog enhanced sunsets... L.A. is growing on me.