Monday, September 26, 2005

Bash at the Boathouse 2005
"Put that coffee down! Coffee is for closers." - Blake, Glengarry Glen Ross
Call it an omen. Or foreshadowing. Or a gut feeling. After a handful of us polished off three bottles of the Nectar of the Gods on Friday night, I sensed it was going to be a long weekend bender of wickedness and depravity. Perhaps it was hearing Derek violently puke in the parking lot outside the diner at 1am late Friday night that reminded me of the seriousness of partying with professional alcoholics. Kids don't try this at home. AlCantHang and BigMike are machines that run efficiently on heavy quantities of Southern Comfort. To try to keep up with them is liquid suicide. However, once a year people come from all over the world to make a valiant effort to hang with AlCantHang. Shit, no one even comes close to hanging with EvaCanHang. Everyone always fails miserably and in the wee hours after the Bash at the Boathouse is over, you could see the carnage spilled out all over the vicinity of the Boathouse. Bodies are randomly passed out in cars, in ditches, and on bathroom floors.

One of the side affects of attending the Bash is amnesia. After the 13th shot and your brain pickled in SoCo, you begin to lose time. Huge blotches of your memory are a blank and that's when you slip into the depths of utter helplessness and stupidity. Just ask Otis.


Before we headed to the Boathouse, Derek, StB, Bobby Bracelet, and myself played a quick SNG in my suite. We used Good & Plenty as chips. I busted out first followed by Bobby Bracelet. Derek went heads up with StB, and StB ended up winning the Good & Plenty Championships. Congrats!

The afternoon at the Boathouse began with poker. There were two tables going on the deck. One table was spreading 2-4 Horse (Featuring Otis, Bad Blood, Joaquin, Mike, Helix, and Bobby Bracelet) while I started up a NL table. I ended up dropping $80 or two buy ins.
My table:
Seat 1: Spaceman
Seat 2: F Train
Seat 3: Pauly
Seat 4: Carter
Seat 5: Stephanie
Seat 6: StB (and later... Mike)
Seat 7: Landow
Seat 8: Derek
Seat 9: Mrs. Spaceman
3:50pm... Derek defend his blind to my preflop raise and flopped wo pair with 3-6. Ughhh.

3:54pm... Derek and Mrs. Spaceman were involved in a ahuge hand. Derek raise, Mrs. Spaceman re-raised. Derek moved all in and she called. He had A-K and she flipped over the Hilton Sisters! The flop was Q-J-8. She flopped a set but Derek flopped a gutshot Broadway straight draw. The turn was a 10, and Derek hit his gutshot. The river paired the board, to give Mrs. Spaceman a full house. Wow! What a hand.

4:00pm... Bar officially opens and I start to lose most of my stack right around the same time. Coincidence?

4:05pm... Deek rebuys.

4:20pm... Spaceman rebuys.

4:27pm.. StB drops the Hammer.

4:34pm... StB rebuys when his 10-10 loses to Landow's set of 3s.

4:37pm.. Landow drops the Hammer.

4:445pm... I rebuy.

5:07pm... I went on a drink run upstairs. You gotta love Pennsyl-tucky. What would have cost me over $100, only ran around 1/3 the price. For the rest of th enight, I'd be drinking on AlCantHang's tab. I would love to see that bill.

5:26pm... I won the only hand of the night when my Q-Q held up against Landow's 505.

6:20pm... I busted out against F Train when my Hammer is no good against his 4-7o. I flopped a open ended staright draw and he flopped the straight!

6:21pm... I stopped recording poker and started drinking heavily. Stephanie end up the big winner along with Carter and Mrs. Spaceman. I think F Train and Landow both finished up.


Derek went to school in central Pennsylvania and calls pretty much everything outside of Philly and Pittsburgh... Pennsyl-tucky. There are a lot of rednecks scattered all over the state and the crowd at the Boathouse was a nice mixture of people from all walks of life. I'm not complaining about the skanky girls in attendance. I think skanky chicks always add flavor and zest to any social gathering. After five weeks of traveling through Las Vegas, Colorado, South Carolina, New York City, Amsterdam, Barcelona, and Atlantic City, I found myself in the middle of Pennsyl-tucky swapping cheap Mardi Gras beads for a glimpse of a random woman's breasts. I hadn't seen that much skin since Grubby and I went strip club hopping in Las Vegas. I heard that Derek even got to see someone's beaver.

The Lewey Award

This year I have to present a special award... the Lewey Award for Public Intoxication. It was a close race, but F Train edged Otis out.

If you don' know, F Train is 90 pounds soaking wet. And he was pounding drinks all afternoon. By the time the night rolled around, he was hammered. He even walked up to Derek and punched him in the ribs. It was more comical than anything else, but Derek didn't think it was funny and calmly walked away. Congrats to F Train on winning such a prestigious award. If you don't know, Lewey had a huge spill after he sprinted down a steep hill and suffered some serious road rash when he slipped and tumbled onto the concrete.


Here are some random things I overheard over the night:
"Don't you guys stop drinking for five fuckin' minutes?" - The bartender

"What's the spank bank?" - Mrs. Spaceman.

"Whiskey dick? I'm all about the whiskey dick!" - F Train

Random Girl (shunning Joaquin's advances): "My boyfriend is in the band."
Joaquin: "The band sucks. He'd never make it in New York City."

Bobby Bracelet aka the Ladies Man

Bobby gave his best to get his micro penis some action. We admire him for that. I was highly entertained watching Bobby Bracelet work his magic and spread his mojo around the Boathouse. He had been working a particular chick for two days and he finally got her to go home with him less than one hour before last call. And you call yourself a Varsity letterman, Bobby? I seriously expected better results from the 860th best poker player in America. He couldn't close the deal. As Joaquin phrased it best, "He's just like Chad Pennington. Three and out." There were a few props bets going on whether or not Bobby Bracelet could close the deal. At least Bobby got to have his junk felt up on Friday night and he got to suck face in the corner of the Boathouse with a local girl.

Otis Falls Down?

Mrs. Spaceman looked like she was having good time. And Otis stumbled around the Boathouse late night. A few of us were on Otis Watch, just to make sure he didn't fall down. He came close several times, but always managed to keep his balance. I nearly lost my shit when an incoherent Otis sat down at a table filled with people he didn't know and started talking, which was more like a form of babbling. He eventually trailed off into making hand gestures before he stood up and staggered away. At one point, Otis went from behind moderately drunk to propelling himself up to the chiplead for "drunkest guest." That's when the question on everyone's mind was not if Otis would fall down, but rather, will Otis puke?

I wish I had more time to write up a longer post. I might add more later inlcuding some pics and possibly some video clips. For now, thanks to Al, Evanne, and Big Mike for throwing another successful event. Carter didn't pass out this year. The food was great. The booze was free. BigMike raised good money for a great cause. I got to hang out and chat with Mike, who's a big fan of my blogs. And the bands were pretty good... both Petey and the Bandcampers and the AlCantHang Experience. I think one of the other bands was the same from last year, the one with the semi-chunky female lead singer with huge jugs that BG and I tried to hit on at the bar and she blew us off.

The only bad thing about the Boathouse this year was... no running of the Lewey. Maybe next year.

****** ******

Carter posted some pics of the Boathouse Bash... here.

F Train posted some pics.... here. (newly added!!)

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