Tao of Poker

48 Hours to Mayhem

"Sitting at a table with a bunch of bloggers is kinda like playing a game of chess, in a comedy club, while getting interviewed by a reporter, with the soundtrack to Oceans 11's being played by a Mariachi coverband. Oh yeah it's for your hard earned cash too." - UWannaBet

How about a little light poker reading on hump day?

5 Random Things I'm Going to Do in Las Vegas...
1. Win the betting pool... "Who's the poker blogger to puke first?" (My pick: Otis)
2. Beer bowling at 4 AM
3. Do all my Christmas shopping at the Elvis Museum
4. Bluff with The Hammer at least five times
5. Try to get a Bellagio hooker to give me a "poker bloggers" discount


Elvis is the fuckin' King!

Everyone recalls my infamous post called Grublog Classic Prep where I told everyone how I was trying to pump myself up for the first ever blogger event. Well, here's the follow up...

Holiday Classic Prep

I've gotten rid of all my clocks so I have forgotten the concept of time. I tried to fill my brother's apartment with pure oxygen to resemble the casino effect. Instead of getting high, I got a wicked headache. I have been limiting myself to two hours a sleep a night, sleeping in my clothes, and with my bankroll rolled up in my underwear. I have been giving away nearly a hundred dollars in the past two weeks to homeless people on the subway in a desperate attempt to improve my poker karma. I have been playing various ambient noises (slot machines in particular) instead of the usual poker playing music that I listen to while online at Party Poker. I've been practicing my poker faces in various elevators throughout the city and even dared to stare down passengers on the subway. That's the type of thing that can get you shot in my town... just the wrong glance could sent some freakazoid off on a shooting spree. But shit, if I can out menace a fellow New Yorker on the subway, then I'm confident I can successfully mask any of my emotions at a table with Charlie Shoten and Ron Rose. I refused to cut my hair because of that Samson effect. However, I did shave because sometimes one of my tells is when I rub my beard with my left hand.

To be able to compete with heavy hitting alcoholics like Al Cant Hang and Big Mike, I asked Victor Conte to set up a training regimen for me. Every other day I've been spreading the Cream all over my body in addition to injecting The Clear into my buttocks. We've also set up a steady IV drip of Southern Comfort so I can build up a vast tolerance to the nectar of the Gods. Although I'm somewhere in between Albert Finney and Dudley Moore on the alkie scale, I definitely feel I can pull a Pedro Martinez fastball down the right field line at Yankee Stadium for a home run.

In order to fit in with the South Carolina crew, I started listening to Jeff Foxworthy albums and have been watching Nascar races nonstop. I picked up dipping again and I even bought a pickup truck with a gunrack, complete with a Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun bumper sticker.

In order to get into the minds of my fellow bloggers I have been picking up their habits in an attempt to figure out how they think. My meals have been strictly Wendy's in homage to The Poker Grub. I have been listening to heavy metal for weeks now to get into Bad Blood's head. My ears hurt and I have this compulsive reaction to slam my head up against random walls. Also, I have the sudden urge to body slam the people standing next to me on the subway.

To get inside of BG's head I have been smoking American Spirit Organic Lights and decided that I too would admit on my blog that the worst looking celebrity who I would sleep with is Caroline Rhea. I've been listening to pre-hippie, beatnik music like Peter, Paul, and Mary to get a feel for Maudie's personality. I always giggle when I sing the lyrics to Puff the Magic Dragon.

Are you a pothead, Focker?

To impress Otis and CJ I have been practicing my newscaster voice. "I'm Kent Brockman with Eye on Springfield." I realized I sound more like Jeff Spicoli than Edward R. Murrow. To figure out what it's like to be Bill Rini I tried to do some scuba diving. There's not much of that in the big city so I resorted to holding my head underwater in the bathtub for several minutes on end. All have to show for that is a nasty swimmer's ear, but some of the ladies in my life (one blonde in particular) would love to know that I can now hold my breath for up to four and a half minutes. Oh yeah!

Oh and I've been playing 3 table SNGs on Party Poker with poor results. I've been getting whooped. Just call me 12th place. I cashed in just one out of ten. That's not very promising. That's my prediction for me on Saturday. 12th place. I could go on and on, but I don't have any more time. I'll be ready for Vegas. Will you be ready for me?

Bloggers $250, Superfish 0

Last night was another blogger convention. I played with Casino Gosain for the first time on Party Poker. This session was unlike any of the other sessions. Why? Because of some guy from Boston that we'll refer to as Superfish showed up. He's a poker blogger's wet dream. Deep pockets and willing to push all in with bottom pair. I was lurking around in the shadows and watching the table of bloggers. I patiently waited over an hour to get on the table. In that time, -EV owned Superfish. This guy was easily one of the top 5 biggest ATMs I had ever seen on Party Poker. He's up there with that niblet I busted over and over one Saturday morning several months ago with Al Cant Hang. Remember that clown Al?

Anyway, last night I mentioned something in the chat to the effect... he's the yardstick that we'll measure all future fish against. I also had never seen that much bleeding since I watched a morbid documentary on female genital mutilation in Africa. It was ugly. The guy kept reloading and reloading. I even asked him a question, "Does your wife know you're pissing your money to drunk hooligans?"

I kept praying that he'd stay at the table by the time I sat down. I was able to play for almost and hour with Superfish and I got his last $2 before he left. He was giving away his money to bloggers. Every one was taking turns busting his stack. I dunno if he knew that we were all friends. He floated some bullshit story about how he retired at 26 as a dot.com millionare and that he was up $450 for the session before he sat down with us. We all offered to fly him out to Vegas for the bloggers tourney. I hope to fleece him for some more money. Maybe Superfish can pay for all my Christmas presents!

The Players:
Seat 1: The Fat Guy then Bad Blood
Seat 2: SirFWalgman
Seat 3: SUPERFISH then CJ then HDouble then Casino Gosain
Seat 4: UWannaBet
Seat 5: - EV
Seat 6: Otis then Glyphic
Seat 8: Jimi (a reader)
Seat 9: Iggy McBoobs
Seat 10: Rants of a Young Mind then Pauly

Notable Hands

I had one hand where I limped in with AKs. HDouble raised on the button. I put him a marginal hand and reraised all-in. I think he put me on a small or middle pair and called with KJ! I won the heads up pot. I realized that I had to mix up my play with bloggers just like I had to shake things up with my play at the Blue Parrot. I was doing fairly well, sniffing out a few Iggy bluffs until I ran into a reader, Jimi from PA. He's been to the Boathouse but never met ACH! Anyway, I was heads up with Jimi. He raised preflop and I called with 10-9s. I flopped a straight: Q-8-J. He checked, I bet $6, he raised $6, I reraised $6. I put him on QJ or a set. The turn was a J and he pushed out a $25 bet. I thought about it and folded. If he had QQ or 88, I was doomed. Same goes for QJ or even JJ. A few bloggers said I should have called especially when he didn't show his cards. Luckily he was cool enough to email me the hand history. He had quad jacks. Wow. What a laydown! A few hands later he bluffed me out of a pot with the Hammer. I had a weak ace and with an ace on the board I figured I was outkicked. I folded on the river and that's when he showed his Hammer! Jimi 2, Pauly 0.

That's for now. Get well soon Felicia! Hope to see you in Vegas.