Saturday, August 28, 2010

Cocaine Cowgirl: Paris Hilton Arrested in Las Vegas for Cocaine Possession and Overall Stupidity

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA

The ultimate party girl, Paris Hilton, got caught in Sin City with nose candy. Why? Because the guy she was banging, Cy Waits (real name, not made up), is a raging pothead and he couldn't wait to get back to their hotel room to blaze up.

If you get pulled over by a law enforcement type and he/she smells any hint of marijuana or sees plumes of smoke billowing out of your vehicle -- you're essentially fucked. Well, that's what happened to Paris and her boy toy shortly before Midnight on Friday. Las Vegas Metro Police pulled over his SUV because the officer suspected a session of heavy weed smoking going on in the car. Upon further investigation, he found Paris Hilton in the passenger seat and in possession of cocaine. I dunno if the officer checked her "secret hiding place" or if the blow was out in plain view.

Yep, that's the big story of the day that will no doubt attract a shitload of undeserved attention, even though more vital matters should be the scope of your concern. Alas, everyone loves a train wreck, especially reading about Paris Hilton getting arrested for cocaine possession. I'm only writing about it to scoop up some juicy SEO and mainly because I happened to be up late (I might be one of the few people in the City of Angels who is NOT doing cocaine) and near my laptop when the story broke.

Paris Hilton made yet another rookie mistake. I dunno if she can get out of this doozy. Getting busted for a DUI or marijuana possession is one thing -- cocaine is a different beast. And let's be honest, you really have to fuck up big time in Vegas to get thrown in jail. Then again, rich people and celebrities get off a lot easier than the average schlub.

Sure, there's no law against being a coke slut, in fact a city like Las Vegas encourages that type of aberrant behavior. The Strip is currently cluttered with thousands of those SoCal stereotypes ripping rails in bathroom stalls all over Vegas as I write this. They are easy to spot -- fake boobs, bleach blonde hair, and red runny noses. Vegas is a permissive city when it comes to vices and the police tend to allow adults to make their own decisions when it comes to personal/recreational drug use. However, it's not beyond them to round up the stupid criminals because when you act like a moron in plain sight, they have no choice but to lock you up with all of the tweakers.

The bottom line -- Paris Hilton is spending the evening in Clark County lock up for being an unintelligent coke slut.

Basic pothead paranoia 101 suggests that you never drive and smoke because you will get pulled over the moment you fire up a doobie. Someone should tell Paris that bit of advice that we learned when we were still in high school while driving around listening to She's Crafty by the Beastie Boys, and sipping Old English 800 out of paper bags while passing around a blunt.

This latest incident with Paris reminded me of all of those members of the Portland Jailblazers back in the late 1990s who kept getting busted for smoking weed in their luxury cars. Shit, Nevada is a medicinal marijuana state -- all you had to do was keep it on the down low and smoke it behind closed doors. When you race down the Strip with smoke rushing out like it's a scene from a Cheech and Chong movie, then you're going to arouse the wrong type of attention.

Hat tip to for informing me on the latest chapter in the Paris Hilton saga. Rest assured, she'll be back to her partying ways as soon as her lawyer bails her scrawny ass out of jail.

In the meantime, it's only fair to dedicate the next session of inebriation to Paris. So keep her in mind the next time you rip a biker rail, smoke a joint, hoist a pint, chase the dragon, drown a shot, pop an Adderall, or read a passage from the Bible.

Update: Paris' mugshot has been released. Even in police custody, Paris still give off that pouty look in her mugshot.


  1. gr8fulmouse8:47 AM

    Here's to Paris! [insert bong bubbling sound here] Excellent writing Pauly and love that you got it out on time (420)...

  2. Broseph12:08 PM

    Stupid rich people; they think they can get away with anything.  Reminds me of a drug use rule we had back in the day: once you get complacent, you get caught.

  3. Wolfshead2:43 PM

    Do they still rip rails in bathroom stalls?  After all, that is so 80s

  4. Poker3:35 PM

    "In the meantime, it's only fair to dedicate the next session of inebriation to Paris. So keep her in mind the next time you rip a biker rail, smoke a joint, hoist a pint, chase the dragon, drown a shot, pop an Adderall, or read a passage from the Bible."

    enough said....ha!

  5. change1003:43 PM

    Jesus Christ. Even I don't smoke pot in my car (while it's moving) anymore.

  6. Anonymous8:24 PM

    Nice writing, enjoyed the article :)