Tao of Poker

Full Tilt Bloggers Shootout #1, Strip Club Advice, and Fear and Loathing at Vegoose

Let's start off with some pimpage of my personal writing. You can head over to the Tao of Pauly to read about my Vegoose Day 2 recap called Fear and Loathing at Vegoose. Here's a bit:

I also found myself walking up to slutty nurses and fondling them. Only at a musical festival in Las Vegas can I get away with groping women, especially when they are in skimpy outfits and have been rolling on ecstasy for two straight days. For a brief moment, I knew what Frank Sinatra must have felt like.

It's the third installment in a series of four covering the insane music festival I attended in Las Vegas last weekend. I also included a ton of pictures from the Flaming Lips show. I hope to have my Halloween write up posted later today. Oh... I have a lead on an extra Trey Anastasio Band ticket for this Tuesday at Roseland Ballroom here in NYC. My friend has an extra. Anyone Phisheads interested in buying her ticket? Shoot me an email.

*****

Well my Full Tilt WPBT Shootout recap is short and sweet. I had to gut through some connection issues and kept timing out. I finished 28 out of 31 when CJ flopped trips with the Jack Hammer against my J-10. Oh well. At least I got to drop the Hammer on my brother. This reminded me of the early days of the first blogger events, when we used to host them on a different site every month, and we could barley fill 3 tables worth of bloggers! Anyway, here's who was at my starting table:

Seat 1: -EV
Seat 2: Maudie
Seat 3: Bad Blood
Seat 4: Derek
Seat 5: Pauly
Seat 6: CJ
Seat 7: BG
Seat 8: Alan

Thanks to Bill who set it up and to Full Tilt, who hosted this for us. Congrats to CJ and -EV who advanced to the final table! Next Sunday, I am driving to Rhode Island and staying there while I cover the World Poker Finals and a WPT event at Foxwoods Casino in Connecticut, so I don't know if I'll be able to play in the next event.

Moving on...

I've been getting a ton of emails from people asking me advice about Las Vegas strip clubs. My posts covering random existentialist conversations that I've had with strippers attracted a lot of attention and now all of a sudden I'm considered a stripper guru.

When I attend college over a decade ago, I used to frequent the greater Atlanta strip clubs like Cheetah, the Gold Club, 24K, and even the infamous Claremont Lounge. Anyone could go to a chic strip club with women that resembled models and the dancers fulfilled every one of your erotic fantasies. It takes courage and imagination to show up at titty bar on the other side of the tracks. The first time I went to the Claremont Lounge, I killed a bottle of Jagermiester with a couple of my fraternity brothers inside of an hour. We rolled up and parked next to a pickup truck with a gun rack and a shot out back window. The repugnant strippers all had C-section scars and they served you cans of beer that were a good five or six years old. The smoke-filled club was poorly lit and smelled like spoiled lettuce and a used tampon, with cum stains splattered all over the walls and chairs. As I sheepishly made my way up to the stage to sit down in front of a pregnant stripper humping a wiffle ball bat, I realized that I had accidentily wandered into the doleful place where strippers go to die.

I grew out of my stripper phase when college ended. Sure I've had random moments in the late 1990s when I've hit up a bunch in Mexico, LA, Las Vegas, NYC, Dallas, and Portland. I even had an excursion in Iceland with Senor and some of those hijinks I'm saving for a future book. I mean one second the champagne bottle was in my hands, and the next moment the entire thing was inside of her. Talk about talent. She didn't even use her hands.

Anyway, I got an email from a reader named Ben earlier this week. Here's a bit of what he wrote:

Dear Dr. Pauly,

Some friends and I are spending 3 days in Vegas on our way home from a work conference at the end of next week. None of us are 1st timers to Vegas, but none of us have ever been to a strip club there either. We're going to on the strip all 3 nights. Do you have a suggestion for the strip club destination we'll want to hit while we're there? We're looking for the best place we can find not far from the strip, specificially the Luxor end.

Thanks, Ben

And here's my response.

Hey Ben,

OK here's the deal on strip clubs... taxi drivers and limo guys get paid a commission on where they take you, so if you ask them to recommend a place... it will be the one that pays the best referrals. So try to get an idea where you want to go before you get in a cab. I do not have a favorite place. As my buddy Senor explains, your strip club experience all depends on the girls... if you meet one special one all night, it makes it worth your time and money.

Olympic Gardens has women all over the place. It's $30 to get in though but there is some good talent there. They actually spend time with you chatting which I like. It's close to the Stratosphere.

Spearmint Rhino is one of the best in Las Vegas and will be super crowded. $20 cover the last time I went. The girls are amazing there but they definitely churn out the lap dances. You don't get extra special attention like at other places. Get there early to get a good spot.

I like Crazy Horse Too.... the girls are OK and some are out right skanky. $20 cover when I went.

Cheetah costs $10 to get in. It's a dump but the chicks there are super skanky.

Sapphire is huge, the biggest in Vegas. The girls there were hot but again it was very professional. No chit chat... all business... they grind for one song and bail, then onto the next guy.

Sin is free if you provide your own transportation.

I was shocked to find out that Olympic Garden raised their cover/door price to $30 from $20. I think that the others are also $20 as well, but you never know. Sometimes they jack up the prices on the weekends.

Some Las Vegas strip club tips:
1. Offer to buy a girl a drink, she might stay longer and sit on your lap.
2. Try to get a deal like 3 lap dances for the price of 2.
3. Never under any circumstances go to the VIP room.
4. Never call her a stripper. Use the term "dancer."
5. Only take enough money with you that you are willing to spend.
6. Don't fall in love. You cannot and will not rescue a stripper from a life of pole dancing. She has to do that herself.

And then there's my infamous... Top 5 Lines I Say to Strippers:
1. "You're a true artist."
2. "I love your shoes."
3. "You have amazing skin. So smooth and so silky."
4. "You're the most beautiful dancer here."
5. "You're a deadly combination: smart and hot."

You can't say more than 2 at a time to a stripper, er dancer. And never use a line more than once every thirty minutes.

HAVE FUN! One last thing, make sure you drink a ton before you go to a strip club. Drinks can be pricey there.

Ok that's it for now. I have a shitload of freelance assignments due this week and I'm going to be writing all day. Later tonight, I'll be playing in the $150 Super Monday at 9pm EST on Party Poker. So stop by and say hello if you ain't busy.