Thursday, May 19, 2005

Reader Mail: Camp, Books, Donkey Fuckers, Time, and Elisha Cuthbert

It's been a long time since I opened up my mail bag and shared some gems that I discovered in the last few weeks. Thanks for everyone for taking the time out to email me. I get a huge volume of email and do my best to read everything that comes my way. When I go out of town for a few days, my inbox clogs up and it takes me a week just to catch up. I seriously need an intern. I'm going to post an ad on Craiglist in the fall. And now let's start off with one of my favorite readers... Timmy.

Dear Dr. Pauly,

It's me Timmy again. I'm almost done with school. I was supposed to go to sleepaway camp but my dad wants me to go to baseball camp. The poker games at my old camp are soft. Thanks to all your advice and from reading Boy Genius's columns on Poker Player Newspaper I know I am a better player this year. I can crush the camp games! They also have girls there. Baseball camp is boys only and everyone plays poker. What should I do?

Timmy, Pensacola, Florida

Hey Timmy,

What's up homey slice? Let's get to the point. You are a mere pawn in your parents game of real world chess. Your dad is reliving old sports glory days through you. Tell him to fuck off and take up golf or something. The sooner you stand up to your old man, the faster you'll be able to live a childhood unfettered from PFDS... Parental Failed Dreams Syndrome. Reason with your old man too. Tell him you want to chase the muff around all summer and try to get Little Timmy some action that doesn't involve your mom's hand cream and an episode if What I Like About You.

Thanks for reading. Crush the games this summer,



That shot of Elisha Cuthbert you used in your blog (last week) hangs in one of the main boardrooms at my office. It's from a movie (Lucky Girl) that was made by the tv network I work for. I didn't work on that movie but I know the people who did.

So it's not too amazing of a coincidence. But our worlds just crossed.

Stacks, Toronto, Canada

Yo Stacks,

How about that, eh? I'm still hoping you can get Canadian Celebrity Poker off the ground. I'm sure if Elisha doesn't know how to play poker, we can teach her. I never saw that show she used to be on in Canada... Popular Mechanics. Was it good? Who knows, maybe she'll want to be a celebrity guest on a future podcast of Lord Admiral Radio? By the way, if you have the chance, please put a good word in for me if you happen to cross paths with Caitlin from Degrassi Jr. High.

Thanks for reading, Pauly


Dear Dr. Pauly,

Could you recommend some good books to read this summer while I'm on vacation?

Jacob, Alpine, NJ

Hey Jacob,

Man I love to read. I devoured some Marshall McLuhan recently. Go read Wil's book Just a Geek. If you like poker literature, check out The Biggest Game in Town written by A. Alvarez. That guy can write circles around me. Daddy loaned me Money Ball by Michael Lewis. That's pretty good stuff there if you like baseball and especially if you are a stat geek.

Thanks for reading,


Hey Doc,

I've noticed that you've been using "donkey fucker" a lot in your posts. What's the deal with that?

Josh, Brooklyn, NY

Hey Josh,

First of all, thanks for noticing. Not to beat a dead donkey to death, but in order to be a pain in the ass to anyone posting feeds of my blog on their sites for their own profit, I decided to use the term "donkey fucker" in every single blog entry from here on out. It will be tough, but for fuck's sake, I'm going to do it. Hey, my sensitive readers are lucky. I haven't dropped any C-bombs yet or posted pictures of frat boys from Akron fucking goats. Stay tuned.

Thanks for reading and not getting upset that I hit on your sister,


Pauly, Pauly, Pauly--

One quick question: How in the hell do you do all that you have to do, and still find time to play poker? Was it you that mentioned sticking to a strict daily schedule? I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to go about getting shit done, and still stay up to snuff on my cards, and right now, I'm clueless, and you're the one person with the most on their plate, yet seems to do it with ease. Have you found a wormhole that allows you to stop time? If so, I'd like a little piece of it.

Chad, Minneapolis, Minnesota

Well Hey Chad,

Sorry it took so long to answer your question. Let's start off with the simple fact that I am an insomniac. One early morning a couple of years ago when I used to work on Wall Street, I complained about my inability to sleep to the cleaning lady of all people. In her thick Guyanese accent she told me that God blessed me with the ability to function on four hours of sleep. "It's a blessing, son," she kept insisting. I finally accepted insomnia as a part of who I am.

Yes, I sleep at least 3 hours less than the majority of Americans and even 4 hours less than some of you. That all adds up to almost an extra day a week that I have to do stuff. That's why I read and write so much more than the average blogger and that allows squeeze in so much other crap. Over a full year I have an extra 50 days all because I don't sleep well.

Also, I try to curb my TV watching. Sure I'll watch sports but I try to avoid TV as much as possible. It's a huge distraction. TV is a blackhole for time. Throw your TV out the window and cut down on your internet time, both are contributing factors towards the dumbification of America.

Time management is essential. One of my managers on Wall Street used to scream at the top of his lungs, no less than four times a day, "Gentlemen, you're burning day light. Get to work!" I feel like that a lot. I hate to waste my time. It's the only thing I truly own.

Writing and playing poker are two extremely selfish activities. I am able to get away with doing both because I'm not married and I don't have kids. I don't want to spark a debate on whether or not married life can create stability in the life of an artist or whether it's a hindrance towards reaching one's creative peak. However, my close friends who are married with kids tell me every day about how fortunate I am to still be single.

The people in your life have to be cool. Derek knows I'm a little weird when it comes to writing and has been very generous with giving me my space. Fortunately for me, despite all the jokes I make about her, the woman who I last dated was highly independent (being an elevator button heiress certainly helped) and she didn't suck up all my emotional energy. I cherish the freedom to create, freedom to travel on a whim, and having unstructured chunks of time where I can lock myself in a room for a couple of weeks straight and crank out a novel. She allowed me to do that and never complained.

Hope that helps. Sleep less, stay single, and put a higher value on your time.

See you in Vegas,


That's it for now. See ya soon.

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