"Don't piss on my back and tell me it's raining."- CoachSpeaking of urine, I dated a girl once who had a pissing fetish. After sex she always wanted me to take a leak on her. Of course all this took place in the shower. I'm not a complete pervert. Who in their right mind pisses on their girlfriend in the middle of the living room?
Oooops, I think I cut and paste a story I was working on for the website: Pissing Tales.
Where was I? Poker. Yeah, poker. Signor Ferrari hosted another game on Monday night. It was a packed house at the Blue Parrot with some familiar faces and some new ones. The bankroll was looking thinner than a strung out model from Prague. I was hoping to build on the last few winning sessions at the Monday night games. Ferrari had on the (yawn) Democratic National Convention in the background. In between hands, I would throw out crude sexual references when both Hillary and Bill spoke. The highlights? None. I dropped $178 in a little over four hours... a losing rate of over $41/hour for you math wizards. In just four hands alone, I lost over $230. You could fly roundtrip from JFK to Vegas right now on Jet Blue for the same amount. I'm lucky I only lost $178. It was one of those nights when my full house lost to quads. I didn't play too bad, even with the usual two or three bonehead plays. I ended up with second best hand most of the night. And it sucked because I was playing tighter than ever. And the only few times I won pots were in Omaha hi/lo.
The Players:7:54pm EST... +10. I took down two small pots in consecutive hands AJ and A9s in $2-4 Hold'em.
Seat 1: Asphnxma from Riding the F Train
Seat 2: Adam (late arrival)
Seat 3: Joel
Seat 4: Signor Ferrari
Seat 5: Nicholas
Seat 6: Charlie (late arrival)
Seat 7: Ugarte (late, late arrival after his stand-up gig)
Seat 8: Coach
Seat 9: Dr. Pauly
8:15pm EST... -58. Anaconda. Ana-fuckin-conda. I should have known better trying to win the low with anything less than the Wheel. My A2347 lost to Ferrari's A2456.
8:34pm EST... -75. Heads up with Nicholas in Hold'em, after I called his preflop raise with Mrs. Slick, AQ. The flop: A-10-x. And I got check raised on the turn when another ace hit. I had the bad feeling that Nicholas flopped two pair and hit his full boat. Like a fish flopping around Party Poker, I called all the way down to the river with a lousy set, losing to a full boat Aces over 10s.
8:41pm EST... -60. AKs in the BB. I raised and got Adam to call. The flop: QQ7. The turn: Q. The river: Q. Adam raised on the turn and I called. I had to put him on a 7. He would have checked quads. When the case Queen hit the river, I knew I had the best hand, and at worst would chop the pot. I beat out Adam's 5-7s. Four Qs on the flop? We were getting Party Poker flops all night.
8:50pm EST... -100. My KK lost to Adam's 22 when he flopped a set. At the last home game, my AA were cracked by Ferrari's 22. Not even playing for an hour, I sheepishly dug into my wallet to pull out a $50 bill. A rebuy in the first hour meant that I'd have to play flawless if I wanted to break even at the end of the night.
9:03pm EST... Razz was called for the first time in months. Coach had A2/3 and lost to Joel after he caught running Kings on fifth and sixth street.
9:20pm EST.. -110. Joel was on a rush, winning pots left and right. I raised with AJ in LP. Asphnmxa, on the button, joked around that I only did that because everyone folded. I ended up winning a heads up pot with Joel, who made a loose call with K2 in the BB.
9:36pm EST... -51. A round of Omaha hi/lo saved me when I scooped the entire pot with A-2-4-10. The board was A37J7. Another win and in less than an hour since the rebuy, I won $100 back.
10:01pm EST... -60. Mo Rivera blew a save against the Blue Jays, but the Yanks win in extra innings. The guys make fun of Hillary as she speaks. By the time Slick Willy hits the stage, I'm down 75.
Monica flopped my nuts a few times.
10:28pm EST... -30. Another round of Omaha hi/lo. I limped in LP with KdKsJs7d. The board: 2h3h10c. Coach jammed the pot on the flop, so I had to be careful. He almost always has all four cards working for him. Low draw? Flush draw? Both? I called his raise (I put him on the A4 with the ace of hearts). I felt confident that KK was the best hand at that point despite a few others who called. The turn: 9. I had more outs with an inside straight draw. The pot was raised at some point and that didn't scare out any people drawing for the low. The river: 8. Booo-ya! I hit my straight and was confident I had the winner. Sure QJ would beat me, but I put everyone on low cards. Coach bet and I raised. Everyone folded and Coach hesitated. He reluctantly called and showed his set of twos. He had 2235 with some suited cards in there. Huge pot. I love scooping monster pots in Omaha hi/lo, especially when there's no qualifying low and at least two or three people called three bets all the way to the river.
10:39pm EST... +10. What? Yes, I stormed back. Down $130 at one point, a fortunate swing put me up for the first time since the initial round of Hold'em. I flopped a set in Omaha hi/lo with 5536 in the BB and luckily got the low too, to scoop the entire pot. Joel was still on his rush and was the chip leader with Coach. Charlie won a few pots after he arrived a little late. Ferrari was quiet most of the night.
10:50pm EST... -50. Anaconda again. I had 9s full of 8s and Like a idiot, I tired to bluff my way to the declare showing a possible four of a kind. I showed 9989. Ferrari had 5554. And Joel had AQAQ. I should have folded on fourth street but called all the way to the river. I thought Ferrari was bluffing his quads, but Joel wasn't going to fold and no way I could beat his full house. I was fucked and bailed out. Poor decision making cost me almost $60 in that one hand. After the hand, Asphnxma told me he could have passed me the case 9 or a J... and passed me the J. D'oh!
Bluffing a Hammer Bluff with the Hammer
10:59pm EST... Huh? It was a wicked hand. I had the Hammer in the BB. Asphnxma limped in UTG. Adam raised and we both called. The flop: Q-8-10. I checked, Asphnxma bet, Adam called, and I folded. I dunno what hit on the turn, but Adam quickly folded as Asphnxma went for his chips. He flipped over... the Hammer! Astonished, shocked, and in a state of disbelief, I dug into the muck and showed him my Hammer. Ouch. Out bluffed with the Hammer... when I had the Hammer. Only at a table with poker bloggers will you find that nonsense. Somewhere out there, Grubby silently rejoiced. Ugarte wandered in after a not-so-positive stand-up performance and at that point, we had a full table.
11:10pm EST... -150. Stud hi/lo. By fifth street, Joel has xx/22J. I got 8dQd/Kc-Ad-8h. I put Joel on a set and called his raise. I got another Ace on sixth street. Joel raised again and I continued to call. On seventh street I caught a full house with another 8. Joel jammed the pot. OK, maybe he had a full boat, but did he have Jacks over 2s, or 2s over Jacks? I called and expected to see a pair of Jacks, instead he turned over 22 for his quads. He got dealt 2-2/2-2. Unreal. I should have folded on fourth street. That bonehead move cost me over $90. My second rebuy of the night ensued. Another $50 bill escaped from my wallet.
11:31pm EST... -197. I lost a big pot. My low hand was not as good as Nicholas' in Stud hi/lo. I had to rebuy $20 from Ugarte.
11:43pm EST... -175. I won a nice sized pot with Mrs. Slick, AQ in LP against Ferrari who raised then reraised preflop. The flop: AKQ. I liked my chances. I caught my full boat on the river when another Q fell.
11:52pm EST... Asphnxma slowplayed AK against Joel's KQs. The flop: KQ3. Asphnxma caught an ace on the river.
The game ended shortly just after Midnight. And I didn't get a chance to win my money back late night. Normally we play until past 3am. One night I didn't get home to way past 4:20am. But Ferrari had to close the Blue Parrot a little early. Coach was the big winner.
The Final Tally:Bad calls, losing to quads, and making fun of Hillary. Just another Monday night at the Blue Parrot. And because Ugarte won, the poker gods blessed him with clear skies. The last eight times I played at Ferrari's, it rained. Cats and dogs kinda rain. Sure it sucked dropping $178, but I was glad I didn't have to walk to the subway station in a downpour, with my head down, replaying and rewinding all the losing hands in my head.
Coach +108
Joel +93
Charlie +38
Ugarte +35
Asphnxma +20
Ferrari +50 cents
Nicholas -27
Adam -75
Dr. Pauly -178
I gave $1 to a bum telling bad jokes on the uptown subway. The clincher was this gem: What did the mother say to Michael Jackson at the beach? Get out of my son.
Ugarte and Asphnxma both have mini write ups of the game. I would have written this up sooner, but I misplaced my notes. Obviously I found them. Here's what Asphnxma blogged about my chicken scratch note taking during the game:
Ugarte has challenged me to do a write-up of Monday night's Blue Parrot game. Normally, I would leave that to Pauly, but he can't seem to find his notes. Frankly, I looked at his notes before the game broke Monday night, and I'm not sure how much help they would be even if he DID find them.My madness, there is a method to it. Sometimes. Just think from a small sliver of paper with obscure symbols and markings, I created this write up.
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