Sunday, February 06, 2011

Super Bowl Picks, Super Bowl Hangovers, and Cokehead in the Bathtub

By Pauly
Los Angeles, CA


Super Bowl. Super Sunday. I hope you woke up early and prepared with a Super Breakfast.

By the way, here's my favorite quote about former President Bush 2.0 from Hunter S. Thompson after the two met for the first time when W showed up at Hunter's 1974 Super Bowl party in Houston...
"He knew who I was, at that time, because I had a reputation as a writer. I knew he was part of the Bush dynasty. But he was nothing, he offered nothing, and he promised nothing. He had no humor. He was insignificant in every way and consequently I didn't pay much attention to him. But when he passed out in my bathtub, then I noticed him. I'd been in another room, talking to the bright people. I had to have him taken away."
By the way, check out an excerpt from Thompson's article in Rollins Stone on the 1973 Super Bowl.

So the Super Bowl. AlCantHang dubbed it as the battle of the "Green Bay Flyovers" vs. "the Pittsburgh Rapists." Hey it could have easily been the New York Foot Fetishists vs. the Philly Dog Killers.

I'm not a tout. You have to be sharp to sell your picks. But, I'm not a complete self-loather who thinks he's shrouded in bad luck, so I won't tell you to fade my picks either. I've gotten a bombardment of emails, text messages, DMs, BBMs, and phonecalls asking me about my picks. The majority of these people are not sports bettors. A bunch are from the poker world, but a lot are just friends who aren't obsessed with gambling. They think that I'm the guy to go to when it comes to betting, which is a nice ego boost, but it also puts a lot of pressure on my shoulders because I don't think I'm better than the average sports bettor. I'd hate to tell people who I'm betting on, and then they piggyback those bets, only to come out on the shit end of the bet.

I'm someone who wants to help out friends when they seek out my help. I know my close friends wouldn't hold me responsible for their actions, but someones people like to pass the blame onto others, and in instances involving money, it can definitely be a pain in the ass. At best, I'm a break even player and I make sure they know that.

So here's my take... it's going to be a close game.

Someone (I forget who, my apologies for being a lazy pothead) left a comment and said that it's so close you have to take the points. That echoed my sentiments. So when the bookies released the spread, I went with the dog. Because I bet Pitt +3, I figured that if Pitt won, then it would be propelled by their tenacious defense, so I bet the UNDER at 46.

Since then, the lines fluctuated from -2.5to -3 and the UNDER dropped a slow as 44 and vaccilated between 45 and 44.5 for the last few days.

Anyway, since so many asked about my bets...
Pitt +2.5
Pitt +3
Pitt +120 (money line)
Pitt +130 (money line)
UNDER 46
UNDER 45
UNDER 44.5
National Anthem OVER 1:50 -180
National Anthem OVER 1:54 - 200
Coin Toss: Tails
Will BOTH teams kick FGs over 33 yds: YES
For 95% of you, this vernacular is standard every day speak, but I need to give an explanation to a couple of non-betting friends...
- The MONEYLINE is a bet that Pitt will win outright (no point spread). For example, +120 means I get $120 for every $100 that I bet. On the other end, if Green Bays is -130, you have to bet $130 to win $100. So yeah, if Pitt wins then I win wagers for $120 and $130 or $250

- The UNDER is a bet that the combined score will be under that total.

- Yes, you can bet on how long it takes Christina Aguilera sings the National Anthem. Listen to a podcast about it here: Exotic Betting on the Super Bowl.
If you want to bet online, you can sign up for a Sportsbook.com account here.

As you can tell, I'm wishing that Pitt wins a low-scoring affair so I can ship moneyline bets and the bets with Pitt getting. OK, that's it. I wish everyone luck today,whether they are at a party, in a bar, or watching it at home.

* * * *

P.S. Enjoy the food, booze, and other narcotics that you might be ingesting, snorting, inhaling, shooting, inserting today. Oh, by the way, time to share a little advice that I've picked up along the party circuit just in case you were wondering "How do I cure a Super Bowl hangover?"
Tips to for Curing Hangovers:

1. Be proactive and drink lots of water while drinking. Booze dehydrates you. I usually drink one glass of water for every two beers, or one water for every shot.

2. Before you crash, drink a glass of water and take 2 Advil (ibuprofen) before you go to sleep -- if you don't pass out in a bathtub first!

3. If you wake up and have "Montezuma's Revenge", pop an Imodium to help your pipes stop leaking.

4. If you wake up with a pounding headache, take 2 more advil and drink some sort of fizzy water.

5. If you have an upset stomach, drink ginger ale.

6. If you feel like total ass, then I suggest one of two things: 1) bring in the heavy artillery and eat some painkillers -- 7.5mg of Hydrocodone (Vicodin, Lortabs) or 5mg of Oxycodone (Percoset), or 2) avoid hangovers... stay drunk.
That's it. My unsolicited medical advice.

* * * * *

UPDATE... Sunday night... 7:20pm PT

That's it. The football season is over after Green Bay triumphed over Pittsburgh 31-25.

The bookies got the best of it this year because of chumpstains like me bet Pitt and took the points. Most of my wagers shit the bed, but even though Christina Aguilera fucked up the national anthem (doesn't that get her tossed into Gitmo?) she kept it on the long side to win a much-needed prop. I also saved some face with a hedge (parlay GB -3 and the OVER), 2nd half bets (Pitt -3 and +23.5), and exotic props (C. Aguilera's long anthem, A. Rodgers +175 MVP). Alas, after a fugly day...I was in the hole.

At least the game came down to the final possession giving me a fun sweat. Plus the food was great. Change100 is quite the amateur gourmet chef. I decided to not let Joe Buck tilt me this year and I muted the game whenever it was on (and listened to my buddy Jonas' Background Beats mix instead). I only cranked up the sound for commercials.

Kudos to Green Bay and all the Cheeseheads scattered about this great country of ours. The Packers opted out of the Brett Favre circus and they brought the Vince Lombardi trophy back to the hinterland of Wisconsin. In that same time frame, Favre fanned the flames of the sporting world's freak show, while he donned two jerseys representing Gang Green and Purple People Easters, got embroiled Penis Gate (be careful who you send pictures of your pecker to) and had his personal life pecked away by the media vultures. But that didn't compare to the harsh realization that it was finally over on the fateful day when a battered, fragile, wounded warrior limped onto the battlefield only to have his soul and legacy ripped out of his body on national TV.

The epilogue on the Brett Favre era in Green Bay has come to an end.

* * *

UPDATE.... Monday morning... 2/7/10 at 10:10am PT...

The online sports books are in a tizzy over the OVER/UNDER payouts because Christina Aguilera fucked up the lyrics to the National Anthem. You can watch Aguilera's Super Bowl video here.

But who won exactly? Check out this article... National Anthem Prop – Who Won?

Also... the Vegas sportsbooks had a rough day. It wasn't like the ass-kicking after the Giants upset the Patriots a few years ago, but it seems as though the bookies got killed having to payout parlays with Green Bay (minus points) and the OVER. I put in that exact parlay as a hedge -- and it prevented me from losing even more money.

And Flipchip snapped some photos at sports books on the Las Vegas Strip yesterday.

5 comments:

  1. A 30mg Roxy will cure any hangover.

    Great writing lately btw.

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  2. Agreed, but I assume my hungover readers have to actually go to work! But 30 Roxy is for the Big Dogs, otherwise anything that strong will have them sunk into their couches watching a marathon of Jesse Ventura's Conspiracy Theories.

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  3. Pauly you really shouldnt be promoting a site such as Sportsbook.com, they have a history of slow-paying people. i assume alot of your readers arent familar with SBR or Covers and to lead them blindly to such a site is irresponsible on your part.....

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  4. The fix was in. Aguilera shaved words! Glad you still won the bet....

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  5. @bhurst1231 - Never had a problem with SB. They've always taken care of me. But just like online poker sites, the responsibility is upon the gambler/investor to do their own due diligence.

    ReplyDelete