Las Vegas, NV
"Fuck him. Like the great philosopher Sun Tzu said... 'when you’re done fucking your enemies, fuck 'em some more.'" - Ari GoldGood news folks. I have finally made the jump from the media to the big time. I started my own talent and management company called T.A.O. Management. I partnered with the 24th richest man in Sweden. He's going to be focusing on teenage online poker pros and biatheles in the Nordic countries. I'm developing a player management company for poker players and competitive eaters. This new business venture is going to be bigger than the British Crown's stranglehold on opium in the 18th century.
It all started with a guy named Cliff from Dallas. He's one of Michalski's Pokerati boys and Michalski had been exploiting Cliff's by making him wear a Pokerati patch for an appalling low sum of money. I stepped in and negotiated a much better deal. After Cliff went deep in the Donkulous, I saw potential in his poker ability and knew he'd be a perfect person to help build upon a new budding player management empire.
On just a 285th place finish out of 6,000+ runners, I worked out a sweat deal for Cliff on one of the new Latin American poker circuits. I scored him juicy sponsorship with an gaming company called GoombaSportsbook.com. They gave him a house, maid, driver, security detail, and access to other extracurricular activities.
And two days earlier, I signed another former Team Pokerati player, the Big Randy, who was another one of Michalski's boys from Dallas. The Big Randy was a legend on the strip club poker circuit and he even went deep in the 2005 Main Event. He advanced to Day 2 of this year's Main Event, and we worked out a deal with an Icelandic sports book that launched a new poker site called ScandiDonk.com.
The Icelanders loved the idea of adding a hotshot Texan on their team of sponsored players, which includes 13-year old online phenom Lars 'Sn00p_420' Liqöör from Helsinki and former Norwegian adult film star Karl Hungus, who might know from such films as Logjammin'.
The heart and soul of T.A.O. Management are the Dallas boys... Cliff and the Big Randy. The DonkeyBomber is next on my list along with his lovely wife, AngryJulie. They are not my clients... yet. I have grandiose plans for the former WSOP Player of the Year and two-time bracelet holder along with his wife, AngryJulie, who made the final table of Triple Draw.
I also signed a controversial French poker pro named Pierre Fromage. He had a shady past including an alleged incident involving sexual misconduct with a poodle. Despite the fact that it was never proven (the pictures were way too blurry) that Pierre routinely felated canines, the major French online poker sites did not want to sponsor him. That's where I came in and introduced him to some special people. The Nevada sex industry greeted Pierre with open arms. We inked a deal with Glitter Gulch and Asian Delights Massage (not the one on MLK Blvd., but the one on Warm Springs behind the Jiffy Jube... look for the pink neon sign). Pierre is expected to crush the French Poker League against all of those Francodonks and he's going to take a shot at EPT Siberia and WPT Slovakia.
I also have one non-poker client, and his name is Hiroshi Nagai. Remember that name. He's going to be a huge star on the competitive eating circuit.
Hiroshi is currently living in Boulder, Colorado and training for his debut on the World Eating Tour at the next Krystal Square Off. He's expected to upset the world champion Kobiyashi in a few weeks. GoombaSportsbook.com has him listed at 420-1. Lock him in now before the line moves after he destroys the field next weekend in Fort Collins, CO's annual flapjack eating content.
Lucky for us at T.A.O. Management, Hiroshi is being courted by Abe Frauman, the Sausage King of Chicago. I have a multi-year sponsorship deal on the table including free frozen sausage biscuits for life.
Back to poker... as the Main Event rolls along, I'm keeping tabs on players who have the potential to go deep so I can sign them and exploit their marginal talent, overbearing egos, and severe psychological personality flaws to generate millions of dollars in revenue.
For my team, I want to represent very intelligent individuals who have a deep passion for the game and a firm grasp of reality. I'm looking for versatile players who can speak multiple languages, handle themselves eloquently at the table and in front of the cameras. I'm seeking out grounded, family-oriented and environmentally conscious people.
And if that doesn't work, I'll find the hottest chick with the biggest tits still left in the tournament and slap a patch on her mountainous regions.
With a mobbed up sports book in Costa Rica and a sports betting exchange in Iceland, I have plenty of options to place potential clients. Oh, and let's not forget about the local adult entertainment industry. The future is more than bright... it's blazing with the November Nine around the corner and the newly formed PokerStars Arctic/Antarctic Poker Tour. I'm gonna be like Sham-Wow rich. I can almost count the millions.
And my newest client? Dan Michalski. Stay tuned for a special announcement involving sponsorship of his new eye patch.
What Does Benjo Think, Vol. 4
Real questions by degenerate gamblers. Real answers from an angry Frenchman. Here's the latest installment of What Does Benjo Think? It's a game that Otis and I play in the press box to keep things loose. We wager on what we think Benjo would answer a series of random questions...
1. What is weight (in pounds) of a whale's vagina?Otis won this round and has taken a slight lead. He has 6 correct answers to my 5. We also pushed 14 times when we could incorrectly predict Benjo's answers. Stay tuned for a new installment of What Does Benjo Think? Only at the WSOP can we gamble on angry chain-smoking Frenchmen!
Otis: 120 lbs
Pauly: 500 lbs.
Benjo said, "Fish have proper sex organs? Whales have vaginas? Someone actually weighed one?"
Otis said, "Yes. Whales are mammals so they have vaginas."
Benjo said "I have to say 50 lbs."
Result: Push 0-0-1
2. If the WSOP gets a new sponsor in 2010, what industry will it be in?
Pauly: Feminine Hygiene
Benjo said, "Well, the WSOP have taken a step down from Mr. Peanut to beef jerky. I have to say that a new sponsor will be something like diapers for incontinent old people. At the Seniors event instead of free beef jerky, you get free diapers. Smaller lines at the bathrooms on the break."
Result: Push (0-0-2)
3. If you could date one female pro for one month... Isabelle Mercier, Kathy Liebert, Erica Schoenberg, and Vanessa Rousso... who would it be?
Benjo said, "That is tough, but Erica. I'm interested in everything that David Benyamine does. Although my second choice is Isabelle."
One random European media rep passing through the press box piped in, "Oh Isabelle? I'd pick her. Everyone that I know who slept with her says she's crazy in bed."
Result: Otis wins (0-1-2)
4. How many tricks does an Amsterdam window hooker turn in an average day?
Benjo said, "Let me see, if they work 8 hour shifts and each guy is twenty minutes, but maybe five minutes if he cums fast, so I'd say 25."
Result: Push (0-1-3)
5. In a 100 yard dash... which writer from Poker Stars Blog would win? Otis, Bartley, Howard, or Lina?
Benjo said, "Otis? Out of the question. No offense. He could beat me in a race though. Lina? She smokes, so no. Howard is slim and is a non-smoker. Bartley is a ginger. No way. So, I have to say Howard."
Result: Push (0-1-4)
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