Tao of Poker

The Zoo Review

I'm 58th on the WPBT leaderboard. That's about the equivalent of trying to pick up girls using the line,"Hey, I'm Vanilla Ice's second cousin." I know that I get quickly irirated when I'm rudely interrupted and forced fed chunks of trivial fodder down my throat, so I'll end this opening paragraph on a positive note... Derek is currently 13th on the WPBT leaderboard and he's only been playing poker for about 16 months.

It's been a while since I updated my overall online play. I had some good luck this week. I would like to stress the usage of the word "luck." By no means do I think I'm a good player. I'm an average player with the potential to be a consistent winning player. Fuck, I know I can be a great writer... I'm well on my way. I have the drive in me to make that happen. But on bad days, when I'm playing poker like a gorilla on three quaaludes, I always have a looming thought overhead, "Maybe I'm not as good as I think I am."

And after spending several hours bogged down in self-examination, I also eventually come to the conclusion that I'm too much of a poker junkie to walk away from the tables forever. So fuck it. I'm someone much like Forest Gump, who seems to back his stupid ass into things and come out unscathed. I get through my slumps simply because I keep playing through them.

Despite all the bad beats and bleeding my stack playing Omaha 8 at the Blue Parrot, I managed to catch some big cards this week. I flopped quads twice. Once with Jacks the other time with the Hilton Sisters.


Flopping Quads with the Bitches
Yes, I caught a nice wave of luck this week. North Carolina won and I placed in my pool. I padded my bankroll playing $3/6 on Party Poker in the morning and playing $3/6 on Full Tilt late nights. I have become a master of my domain in limit. I find myself more patient than ever, waiting for good cards and position, licking my chops when I get both. Now that I'm whoring myself out over at Empire Poker and taking advantage of a reload bonus. I haven't played on Empire Poker in months under my super-double-secret screen name. Mr. Doubtfire, I am not.

This weekend and over the next 6 days, I will be playing about 5 hours a day on Empire Poker attempting to clear my bonus. I am going to play just one table... single table action... and try to clear my bonus at the $3/6 tables. In the past when I've bonus whored on Party Poker and Empire, I'll grind it out (multi-tabling) at the $25 NL tables. Not this time. I can play 30 raked hands an hour and it will take me 35 hours over 7 days to clear 1050 raked hands.

I'm not a fan of playing multi-tables. I'm not comfortable playing like that. Other players are and that's one skill I wish I could obtain. Alas, I've been playing 3 to 4 hours a day online anyway dividing my time on Poker Stars, Party Poker, and Full Tilt... so what's another hour? I can split up the sessions into a morning one and a late night one.

Chasing the Fish and Radio Free Pauly

While playing online the other day, I listened to Lord Adrmiral Card Club radio show featuring Cinci Sean and Brent Stacks. I happened to get a shout out in the last episode (along with the Poker Prof for Poker Player Newspaper), which you can listen to by downloading the MP3. I will be appearing on the next episode, so early next week, stop by their site and listen to my awful radio voice. I told Sean that I'd smoke two packs of cowboys before the show to get my best, raspy, old-school radio voice.

So what's better than logging onto Party Poker and seeing your favorite fish swimming around? Quick answer: seeing him bump up in limits and playing with a bigger stack. Yeah, there's was one guy... let's call him... Mr. Halibut, who lost at least 150 BB at my $3/6 tables during the previous two weeks. I only took about $100 off of him and was waiting to get my shot Mr. Halibut. To see him playing $5/10 was a pleasant shocker. I did what anyone would have done in my shoes... sit down at his table and shout, "Bring it, fuck face."

That was probably a bad decision for me from a bankroll management perspective. I've played $5/10 online before but my Party Poker bankroll was not prepared for that jump in levels. My overall combined bankroll (online sites and cash) could handle it, but my Party Poker could only sustain one or two bad sessions. I knew it would be a quick hit and run. I played three sessions this week. I broke even in the first, won 1 BB in the second and lost 11 BB in the last one. I ran into a guy who slow played AA when I had AJ and flopped TPTK. Ouch. Never saw that coming.

When I was in Vegas, during one of our drives to the strip clubs, Grubby and I had an intense discussion about the difficulties of the $5/10 full tables on Party Poker. He suggested that I have at least $2500 to $3000 in my Party Poker account before I take a stab at those tables on a full time basis. I also told myself that I wouldn't bump up in levels until I was able to consistently beat $3/6 for six months under my new found system and playing style. I'm definitely ahead of schedule. I wiped out my loses in one month, something that I thought would take two or three times longer. With the Vegas gig, I'm afraid that I'll only play once a week online... if I'm lucky. I do not expect to have plenty of time to troll the waters on Party Poker. Besides, I'll be in Vegas and want to hit the tables on the Strip and clean up on all that dead money vacationing tourists are flying into Sin City every fuckin' day.

Dr. Pauly's Beatin' of the Week

One of my favorite Saturday Night Live skits was Good Morning, Brooklyn. They had two actors with really bad Brooklyn accents. I think the episode I'm referring to had Courtney Cox and Jay Mohr as hosts. Anyway, they included a segment: The Beatin' of the Week on their show. And it was hilarious. They picked one guy and told their viewers that he was Good Morning Brooklyn's Beatin' of the Week. If you found the guy and beat the crap out of him... then you'd get a free sausage and peppers dinner at Vincenzo's. Like I said, nothing tops NYC humor. Derek liked the sketch so much that he would have his own "Beatin of the Week" during the NFL season and post his big blowout on my main blog.

Anyway... hypothetically speaking... I'd love to have a real life Beatin' of the Week where I would hypothetically tell you about some dorkenheimer who's on my shit list and if you hypothetically see him and then hypothetically promptly beat the shit out of him... I'll buy you a round trip ticket to Las Vegas.... hypothetically of course. Too bad that I can't get away with that sort of hijinks here. If I could, a lot of folks would be flying to Vegas on my tab after sending a handful of ingrates to the Emergency Room.

I'll channel my violent outburts into vicious bad beats to unsuspecting players online. Without further ado, here's the first incident. If you don't like hand histories.... tough shit.

The victim: A poor dude on Full Tilt at the $1/$2 NL tables.
The crime: Cracking pocket Aces with KJs

Dealer: bwong posts the small blind of $1
Dealer: bizarroQ posts the big blind of $2
Dealer: You have been dealt [Kh Jh]
Dealer: CrackofmyACE calls $2
Dealer: SilverA calls $2
Dealer: DrPauly calls $2
Dealer: bwong calls $1
Dealer: bizarroQ checks
Dealer: The flop is [Ah 2h 5d]
Dealer: bwong checks
Dealer: bizarroQ checks
Dealer: CrackofmyACE checks
Dealer: SilverAudi checks
Dealer: DrPauly bets $10
Dealer: bwong folds
Dealer: bizarroQ folds
Dealer: CrackofmyACE calls $10
Dealer: SilverAudi folds
Dealer: The turn is [Tc]
Dealer: CrackofmyACE checks
Dealer: DrPauly bets $175, and is all in
Dealer: CrackofmyACE call $175
Dealer: CrackofmyACE shows [As Ac]
Dealer: DrPauly shows [Kh Jh]
Dealer: The river is [4h]
Dealer: CrackofmyACE shows three of a kind, Aces
Dealer: DrPauly shows a flush, Ace high
Dealer: DrPauly wins the pot ($376) with a flush, Ace high
bizarroQ: brutal

Brutal indeed. I had no business over betting that pot with a gutshot and a nut flush draw. I was pumped when one of my outs hit. By the way, do not bother leaving me a comment telling me how stupid my move was and how much smarter you are than me because you would have done it different. Blah. Blah. Blah. It was a bad move. I know it. So no need to waste my comments space with your extensive poker acumen. And if any wiseasses do leave remarks, I will quickly erase them. Consider this a disclaimer. Take out your emotional (e.g. small penis) issues on RGP or 2+2, not here.

Anyway, that guy was super pissed. As I told him in the chat... "That's why you don't slowplay aces." Let that be a lesson to all you kids out there. And that concludes Dr. Pauly's Beatin' of the Week. Now, if you want a free flight to Las Vegas, just drop me an email...

The WPT Bellagio Freeroll

I logged onto Poker Stars last night and played in a freeroll for the WPT Championship at the Bellagio which cost me only 100 FPPs. There were 311 players including Maudie and Joanne. I had Glyph and Derek on the rail which was nice. My first table was the "all in" table. In the first orbit at least someone at my table went all in preflop. One guy did it 6 times before he got picked off. In the fifth hand of the entire tournament, I had 88 in the LB and folded. Three other players were all in. AQs vs. 99 vs. KQo. I would have flopped a set, but then lose on the river to KQ who hit a straight.


Joanne was KOd in 241st place when her KK lost to AA. I was moved to a new table and found myself sitting next to Jerry Garcia (the player had Jerry as his av). I took that as an omen. Damn, it's been ten years since he died and I still miss him.

In Level 3, Maudie was crippled when her J9s lost to KJ. They both flopped trips and Aunt Maudie was outkicked. She was out a few hands later in 153rd place. I was the only blogger left and had a very small stack. Johnny Cash joined my table after Jerry Garcia was knocked out and I typed: He's gone into the chat. I found the Hiltons and won a small pot.

I was moved to another table feature Brad Pitt, Ricky "Bong Water" Williams, and Ronald Reagan. I was 80th out of 114. I slowplayed KK against Ron Reagan. He had Q4s and flopped two pair. I had a better two pair and doubled up. I typed in the chat: Pauly 1, Gipper 0. Fuck Notre Dame. I wanted to go to the Bellagio and drop the Hammer on Marcel Luske. By the break I am 44th out of 85.

In level 6, I went in for a steal and got caught with my "hand in the cookie jar." Mike Sexton's drawl echoed in my head as I found myself somewhere in between "totally fucked" and "royally screwed." A5 heads up against 77. I river'd the poor dude too. If I didn't crack those aces earlier in the week, he'd be the Beatin' of the Week". So I doubled up and had T7400+... 31st place and looking strong.

I was moved to another table and fate was smiling at me. Paris Hilton was at my table. It was meant to be. Paris was bluffing at pots, showing her hands (and bluffs), and pushing all in on the flop with top pair, weak kickers. My plan was to wait for a good hand and trap Ms. Hilton. The tourney chipleader was at my table too with four tables remaining, I made it up to 30th place. I slowplayed AK by limping in and flopped top two pair. No callers. Damn. A few hands later I find KK in the BB. With six players in the pot, I make a big raise. One guy comes over the top and everyone folds. I push all and and he flips over AA. No Bellagio for Pauly.

Payback in poker via karmic form sucks donkey balls. What are you gonna do? KK lost to AA. It's not the end of the world. 387 people were maliciously slaughtered, tortured, and gang raped in Darfur yesterday so who gives a rats ass about my pocket Hellmuths in the bigger scheme of things? I was sent packing in 39th place out of 310 and humbled in the process knowing that in the long run, I've been a lucky person my entire life.

If I have some time I might play in one last WPT Bellagio satellite this weekend if I am ahead of schedule clearing my Empire reload bonus. Good luck to everyone at the tables this weekend. See you Monday when I'll return with Part II of my gripping series: Existentialist Conversations with Strippers.