Tao of Poker

Cities of Gold

"Ooooh. There's a New Mexico!" - Homer Simpson

I woke up hungover and with Haley's mother's dog barking in my ear. I called ahead to find out the tournament schedule at Cities of Gold. On Tuesdays they had a Crazy Pineapple tourney. Not my game, so we decided to head up to the casino after lunch at the Pink Adobe. I was on a mission to report back something about Santa Fe that didn't mention anything about the yummy food, or the adobes, or the artsy fartsy stuff. I hit a few bars the night before and now it was finally time to sample poker, New Mexico style. That's another state I can add to my long list of places I've played poker. Haley was shocked to find out there was a casino so close to where her mother lived. I was pumped. There was a small poker room with six tables, but only one game was going on when I got there.

The Players:
Seat 1: Trucker
Seat 2: Dr. Pauly
Seat 3: Mona from Who's the Boss
Seat 4: Haley
Seat 5: WWII Vet
Seat 6: Middle-aged Guy with beer gut
Seat 7: Moses
Seat 8: Vietnam Vet
Seat 9: Grandma Walton
Seat 10: Cool guy toughster 19 yr old

What a scene for a $2-6 spread game. It's just like the Excalibur 2-6 game except there's a big and little blind. The ability to bet $6 anytime is appealing for me, who normally hates playing low limits. Alas, the $2-6 game was the only game they were spreading so I had no choice.

I took a page out of Iggy's Guide to Playing and Acting Like a Fish in Casinos. I asked the dealer a newbie question, loud enough so everyone could hear me, then told her to bare with me if I make any mistakes since I just started playing on Yahoo. That's when I took a huge swig of my beer. Under my breath I muttered, "Thanky you, Iggy!!"

Then I proceeded to lose $200 in ninety minutes.

2:03 MST... I raised a pot with six limpers on the button with A-10s. I got six callers, including Haley. The flop: A48 rainbow. Haley in the BB checked, WWII vet called $2, Vietnam vet raised to $5, I reraised to $11 and Haley called all of us. The turn: 6. Haley, the WWII and Vietnam vets all checked to me. I flipped out $6 and they all called. The river was a 9. Haley bet $6, the vets called and I raised to $12. Everyone called and Haley scooped the pot with AJ. The WWII vet had A2s and the Vietnam vet had 87s. Ouch that hurt.

2:17 MST... -72. I raised a pot with AK on the button again. The WWII vet and the 19 yr old kid both called. The flop: 652. WWII vet bet $2, the kid called, and I raised to $8. WWII vet called and the kid folded. The turn: 9. The vet bet $2 and I raised to $8. He called. The river: 7. He bet $6 and I called. Of course he had A7o and caught his pair on the river.

2:28 MST... Haley flopped her first of five flopped full houses with 88.

2:41 MST... -93. I early position I had 99 and raised to $6. Haley in LP reraised. I folded and she got two callers. With JJ she flopped: AJA. She had both grandma's call her to the river with a little ace. She was up over $100.

3:11 MST... -105. I raised two consecutive pots to $6 with AQs and KK. No action.

3:24 MST... -167. I found the Hilton Sisters in the LB. I reraised to $12 in a five person multi-way pot that the kid raised. The flop was rainbow rags. I bet, he raised, I reraised, he reraised, and it was capped out. One of the grandmas was still in the pot. The turn: another rag. Same situation. The betting was capped. The river: 10. I checked, Grandma checked, the kid bet and I called. For some reason I put him on 10-10 and guess what? He caught his set on the river. Grandma had JJ.

3:43 MST... -191. The kid in the corner watches too much poker on TV. I assumed he stayed at home and practiced his chip tricks because he was trying to either scare the table or impress Haley. Can I do chip tricks? Yeah, I can shuffle a bunch with both hands. Do I do it? Rarely... with the exception of at the Blue Parrot... mainly because it's a smoke free room and I need something to do in between hands. With Haley at the table, most if not all of the attention was directed at her. She has that star quality sometimes and it was never more evident then at the Cities of Gold. The kid could have been a good player but he was too busy showing off and playing too many hands. His dick set him on tilt. Haley could have cleaned up if she wasn't so addicted to playing any two suited cards and any ace. All the older women treated Haley like the granddaughter they never had. All the old guys were dirty old men and showered her with sweet talk. Haley soaked up the attention and used it to her advantage as much as she could. But her looseness was her downfall. Her stack took plenty of big swings back and forth all afternoon. That sounded like a line from a dirty romance novel...

Esmerelda's loose ways was her downfall after her heavy stack took plenty of thrusting swings back and forth from Horatio's swollen member.

If you didn't know I also write trashy smutty novels under the pen name: Ira Sweatycrotch.

3:49 PM MST... -152. I won a nice size pot when I caught a nut flush on the turn and had both a King high (Vietnam vet) and a Queen high (Haley) call me to the river.

4:20 PM MST... -110. I flopped a Broadway Straight with KQs in the little blind. I beat Mona with two pair. While I stacked up her chips she whispered to Haley, "I liked him better when he was losing." Or at least, that's what Haley told me she said.

4:33 PM MST... -108. Haley flopped a full house with the Hilton Sisters. She lost to a bigger boat on the river to the truck driver with KQo. She never recovered from that bad beat and poor Haley was on tilt the rest of the session.

Although down as much as $191, I rallied back to only loose $100 for the session. Haley won around $24. She's hooked and wanted to go back today! This morning she woke up and said she had a dream about poker, specifically playing in LA with me and Arlo Guthrie and I kept stealing pots from everyone at my table with drew the ire of Mr. Guthrie. I can't make this wacky stuff up. Even in Haley's dreams I'm a loose player. Haley got off to a great start but played too many hands. She admitted, "I wanted to have a good time and I don't care about pot odds, smacking the Hilton Sisters, ins, and whatever you poker geeks blog about."

"It's called 'outs'," I replied.

"Ins. Outs. It's all the same. I betcha you're gonna blog that. Ditzy actress doesn't know what an out is."

"Since your dreaming about poker, you should start your own blog; Haley's Poker Dreams: The gambling ramblings of a neurotic actress. Better start one quick before Reese Witherspoon steals my idea and makes a million bucks and gets her own reality show."

"Or better yet, can I take over the Tao of Poker when you retire from blogging?"

I smiled and sarcastically quipped, "Yeah, maybe."